He Can't Have Her
by onlychair
Summary: He could feel the tears filling up his eyes, but he wouldn’t let one shed onto his cheek. He was Chuck Bass after all. He didn’t cry. And if he did cry it sure as hell wouldn’t be over a girl. But she wasn’t just any girl. She was Blair Waldorf....CB...
1. Chapter 1

He stood there, unable to move. His eyes were fixed on them across the street. His heart was breaking a little more as each second past. He could feel the tears filling up his eyes, but he wouldn't let one shed onto his cheek. He was Chuck Bass after all. He didn't cry. And if he did cry it sure as hell wouldn't be over a girl.

But she wasn't just any girl. She was Blair Waldorf. She was his girl. HIS girl who was kissing HIS best friend. HIS best friend was kissing HIS girl. He felt sick to his stomach. He couldn't bear to watch this any longer, but he couldn't look away. His eyes were glued on them. He wondered when, or _if_, they would ever notice him. Just staring at them.

Chuck couldn't tell which emotion was stronger, anger or sadness. He wanted to go right over there and crush Nate to bits and pieces, but at the same time he felt like going home and drinking this horrible memory away.

Chuck regretted almost everything that had happened in the past year just then. He regretted calling Blair his wife. He regretted not going to Tuscany with her the past summer. He regretted leaving her and fleeing the country after his father had died. He regretted not telling her what she wanted to hear from him…those three words.

The things he regretted were pretty much all the mistakes he had made involving Blair.

Because he loved her.

She was the only one he had ever loved. Well, besides his dad. But she was the only who had ever loved him back. So she said anyways. He wasn't so sure of her love now, while he was standing on this street.

His blood boiled. He couldn't stand watching Nate kiss her. He couldn't stand any other man kissing her. But Nate was the worst. It felt like déjà vu. This scene had happened too many times before. He felt his fists clench. Knuckles turning white. He took a step forward, but he stopped himself.

He wouldn't do this. For her. He wouldn't do this.

She was his whole world. And he couldn't hurt her anymore. Because he feared if he did she might never forgive him. He had hurt her enough. He couldn't bring it upon himself to do it again.

But she had hurt him too. She had hurt him so many times. But she never thought about it! Because she was a conceded bitch. Blair didn't think about anyone, but herself. She didn't dwell over all the times she had hurt him like he was doing now! Sleeping with him then going back to Nathaniel like it never happened! Bringing home a guy from Tuscany, France, or where ever the hell she was! This! Now! This moment right now!

He finally turned to walk home. At last he had brought himself to look away. To stop staring. But as he heard his shoes click against the side walk he felt one of the built up tears hit his check. It rolled down his face and slid across his lip. He brushed it away furiously with the back of his hand. He couldn't believe what Blair had done to him. This was all her fault! For making him feel this way! Chuck didn't want to feel like this. It wasn't a good feeling. He felt sick. Not sick like the flu. But sick like you're scared of the bullies and don't want to go to school kind of sick. Not that Chuck knew anything about being bullied at school. He practically was the bully.

He kept walking towards the direction of the Van der Woodsen penthouse that he had moved back into only a few weeks earlier. He wished he hadn't decided he needed fresh air when he was leaving school. He could've just gotten in his limo like he did every day. But today he just _had_ to walk. He just _had_ to go down this street.

As he walked home he couldn't get the images of Nate and Blair out of his head. How could they do this to him when the both claimed to care about him? Well, Nate hadn't been much of a friend lately. So he could see how easy it would be for Nate to hurt him like this. And Blair had told Chuck that she was done with him. But really done? Like she would never forgive? They would never be together? He hated thinking about a life without Blair. He could only imagine what his future would be like without her. It certainly wasn't a good one.

He had no one left. Not one person left on this earth that truly loved him and cared about him. He guessed there never really was. Nothing had actually changed, he realized.

He wasn't surprised about this fact. He couldn't see how anyone could love him. He didn't even love himself. In fact, he hated himself. But this is just the way he was. He was Chuck Bass. He hadn't been raised with any love so how could someone expect him to show it? He really didn't even know what love felt like until that night Blair had come to him after she had broken up with Nate. The night Chuck realized he loved her. He had been in love with her this whole time and had never seen it. But nobody really saw her. Least of all Nate. How could she go back to him after all he has done to her? He doesn't love her. He never did! Chuck could feel his heart beat faster and he quickened his pace.

Nate always saw the ever lovely and amazing Serena. When Nate saw her and Blair stand next to each other he had always looked towards Serena. Serena did have a certain way about her, but Chuck had always found Blair to be more interesting. Even when they were little kids.

That night at Victrola was when Chuck finally saw how brightly Blair could glow when she was being herself. When she was free. And she had always been free when she was with Chuck…or so he thought.

Nate only dragged her down with his boring self. She didn't belong with him.

But he saw that maybe he didn't belong with her either. That they would never be what he hoped one day they could be. Because Blair had said it herself…Chuck didn't belong with anyone.

He couldn't have her.

Chuck didn't really notice when he had reached home. He was basically on auto-pilot thinking of Blair and Nate and himself the whole time he was walking. He rode the elevator up to the penthouse. He threw his bag that was slung over his shoulder on the ground by the kitchen and strolled over to his room. No one was home yet. Eric was probably out with Jenny and his boyfriend. Serena was probably…well actually he had no idea where she could be since she had just broken up with Humphrey, _again._ And Lily was of course out with her mistress, Rufus.

He opened the door to his room and slammed it behind him. The force of his door caused the art work that was hanging on his walls to shake. He wanted to scream. He wanted to break stuff. He couldn't handle all this hatred and anger. He had never been this mad before. He slowly walked over to the mirror that was across the room by his bed. He stared at himself in it for a brief moment until he brought his fist straight into it. It cracked a bit. Right where the mirror image of his face had been. He continued to punch it and kick at it like mad until practically all the reflective glass had shattered and was scattered across the floor. Chuck picked up the lamp that was on his bed side table and threw at the door. It quickly broke from the impact.

He tore through his room like crazy. Smashing anything that was in his line of sight.

After he had run out of energy, Chuck slid down the side of his bed. He rested his head against the mattress and breathed heavily. He was still thinking of her though. Still seeing her beautiful face that he hated so much. He hated what she did to him. Hated the way she made him feel when she touched him. Even just looking at him made his heart beat a little bit faster. He hated it, but loved it too. He loved nothing more than touching her, kissing her, being with her. Just being in close proximity to Blair made him feel whole. But when he wasn't with her he felt an emptiness inside himself. An emptiness that had been there his whole life, but then he had fallen for her. And for the first time in his life he knew how it felt to be whole.

His mouth became dry as he thought his next thought.

He would never have her.

She would never be his.

Never.

She was Blair Waldorf.

The poised and perfect Blair Waldorf.

And he was Chuck Bass.

The broken and untrustworthy Chuck Bass.

He wasn't good enough for her.

He never would be.

Because he could never change who he was. No matter how hard he tried. He would never be able to change fate. It was in his blood to sleep with as many women as possible and say horrible things to the ones he was supposed to love. His father had done. Hell, his uncle did it! It was just the way Chuck was.

He couldn't change.

Not even for Blair.

Chuck lifted his head and looked around his destroyed room. It was as if it had been ransacked by a thief.

His eyes swept over the mirror and down where the glass had fallen to the floor. He picked up a big piece that was just within reaching distance. He twirled it in his fingers. Watching the sun hit it and shine a blinding light into his cool brown eyes for a second. His index finger felt the sharp tip. Images of Blair shot through his mind. Their first kiss in the limo…their first time in the limo, when he had told her about his butterflies, the way her soft skin felt on his, the time she said she loved him. The images wouldn't stop. They turned into bad times. Her kissing Nate at her cotillion ball, her telling him he disgusts her, her kissing Marcus…the moment today…with Nate.

Chuck set the piece of glass down on the floor beside him.

He snatched a piece of paper from the table by his bed and a pen. He scribbled some words down quickly, folded the paper in half, and tossed it on his bed.

He slid to the floor again. He picked the same piece of glass up with his right hand and slowly drew it to his left wrist. He held it right above his skin for a moment. Hesitating.

He wasn't worth anything. No one cared about him. He wouldn't be missed.

Morbid thoughts ran through Chucks mind as he held the glass there.

And with a swift motion he dug the sharp end of the glass horizontally down his wrist. He had to put a lot of pressure on it since the glass couldn't easily break the skin. It was easily the worst physical pain he had ever gone through. But he thought, this pain now will prevent a lot of emotional pain he would go through in the future.

Blood began to flow out of the gash now on his arm. He didn't look at it for a long time because he moved to his right wrist.

The pain was almost unbearable. He grunted and squeezed his eyes shut as he sliced his other wrist. He shouted out in pain. The pain was killing him. He couldn't believe how bad it hurt. He thought it would be over so quickly that he wouldn't even feel the pain. But he felt it. He felt his heart beat in his arms and wrists as the blood oozed from it.

And slowly Chuck slipped into darkness, like he was falling asleep.


	2. Chapter 2

He opened his eyes slowly and groggily. He didn't know where he was. The bed beneath his back didn't feel the same as it usually did. It was too small to be his own. He squinted his eyes open more.

"Well, good morning, Mr. Bass." A perky blonde woman with a pony tail that was too high to look natural smiled at him.

"What the hell?" Chuck managed to slur out.

"Don't worry. The doctor will come in and explain everything to you shortly. Do you need anything?" Her voice was extremely annoying. He couldn't take it right after waking up.

"Umm no." He muttered.

He was extremely confused. He didn't know where he was or who this strange woman was standing next to him. He felt the barely cushioned bed that was under him. And the itchy pillow his head rested on.

His eyes, still not fully opened, scanned the room.

There was one large window to his right. That was the first thing he noticed because of the mind boggling bright light that was coming from it. The walls were painted a dull beige color. There were a few tables with magazines on them and uncomfortable looking chairs. The room had no personal touch what so ever, except for a few vases of flowers that sat on a table to his left. His eyes turned to the right again, despite the window. He noticed the beeping machine that stood next to the top of the bed.

Chuck finally realized where he was.

A hospital.

He quickly sat up in the cot-like bed. He looked at his wrists for the first time and saw the white bandages wrapped around them. He wished he hadn't noticed them because they started throbbing instantly. He let a small whimper slip out of his mouth then shut it tightly.

"Whoa Whoa Whoa. You need to lie down. "The nurse told him seriously. She put her hand on his chest and tried to push him back down gently, "Just lie down. It's okay."

"No! Get off of me!" Chuck tried to shove her away.

"Listen, Mr. Bass, you need to lie down now." She said firmly and applied more pressure to his chest.

Chuck was sure they had given him some sort of drug because he did not have his usual strength. The skinny blonde was actually almost pushing him back onto the bed.

But he refused to go. He mustered up all the strength he had to stay sitting up right. She starting using both hands to push back down. But Chuck, being Chuck, had to be difficult and disobey what she was telling him to do.

Another nurse came in to help her. He didn't stand a chance against both of them with his weakened state. He was forced back down into a laying position.

The nurses reached for the restraints that were attached to the hospital bed.

"What the hell?! You can't restrain me right after I slit my wrists! What kind of nurses are you?!" Chuck yelled at them in disbelief. He was scared of the pressure that the restraints would put on the injured part of his body. He didn't want more pain. There was enough pain already.

"We don't want to do this, sir. So will you stay lying down?" A tall, brunette one asked.

"Why do I have to stay in this bed? It's not like I've just had some massive surgery!"

"Yes, we know but you still lost a lot of blood and have been asleep for almost a day and a half." The brown-haired girl explained to him. Chuck thought she was more suited to be a nurse than blondie.

"We have to check you out and make sure you're okay." The pony-tailed blonde told him as if he was five and patted his shoulder.

The shrill of her voice disgusted him. Chuck glared at her.

"And your mother would like to see you now that you are awake." The other one told him.

"My mother? I don't have a mother."

Chuck felt his wrists throb beneath the cloth that was covering them. He wondered why they hurt so bad. He thought he was rich enough where they would put him in an excellent hospital and supply him with a steady stream of pain killers.

But apparently not.

Because he was sure feeling pain.

"Okay…Your adoptive mother? Step-mother?"

He rolled his eyes in response. Of course Lily was calling herself his mom now. Just because she had officially adopted him and he had moved back in didn't make him her son.

The brunette nurse left the room while the blonde continued with what she had been writing on her clip board. Chuck rubbed his eyes and pushed his hair out of his face. He still felt tired and wanted to drift back to sleep, but he managed to keep himself awake.

Lily stopped in the doorway of Chuck's room before stepping all the way in. She walked over to the side of the bed where the nurse was standing. Lily looked at her for a moment and she then took the cue to leave.

"Thank you." Chuck's self-acclaimed mother told her right as the annoying nurse walked completely out of the door.

She pulled up one of the chairs to his bed and sat down, grabbing his hand.

He didn't pull it away. He found it oddly comforting to have someone holding his hand. His real mother had never held his hand.

Well, that was because she never had the chance to. Chuck had gone through his whole life with not one loving, parental figure.

From a very young age until he was about eleven his father had paid numerous people to keep an eye on him. Since he more than often worked all day. Not one of them, though, stuck around for very long. Probably because Chuck was just as scheming then as he was now.

When he had gotten to the age where his father didn't think it was necessary for him to be watched all the time Chuck was pretty much on his own. He tried to hang out with Nate, Blair, and Serena as much as he could so he wouldn't be alone all the time. But there reached a time everyday when he had to go home. He couldn't stay with them forever. They had dinner to go to with their families and chats to have over dessert…but Chuck never had anyone.

Although, when he became a few years older he discovered that there was something that made him feel a little less lonely and useless…Sex.

Lily had a worried expression on her face as she studied his eyes then looked down at his wrists.

"Why'd you do it, Chuck?" She asked him in a very hurt voice. He saw her lip start to quiver as tears escaped from her eyes.

He hadn't thought about it once since he had woken up. What he had done.

He remembered everything in a flash.

Breaking the mirror, feeling the ragged piece of glass, watching his skin tear open, the blood rushing out.

What was wrong with him? Chuck thought.

He couldn't even be successful at killing himself?!

He tried to stop memories of Blair from rushing through his head, but they came. Tons of them ran through his brain as if he was remembering every moment he had ever spent with her.

And one stuck.

Blair and Nate.

His muscles tensed.

These flashing images would never stop.

Not until the day he died.

And Chuck was sure that Blair would somehow find a way to haunt him, even after his death.

Lily was staring at him waiting for his answer.

"I don't know why." Chuck lied. Of course he knew why he'd done it. He just didn't want to tell her.

"I'm sorry, if I had anything to do with it…" She was sobbing now, "I would have tried to do something for you if I had known anything was wrong…"

Chuck squeezed her hand trying to comfort her. She had been very motherly to him lately and he didn't want to see her cry.

He also thought of Eric and how he had tried to kill himself too. He imagined how awful she must have felt. And now it was the same situation with him.

"No. You had nothing to do with this. Your actually one of the reasons I didn't want to do it." He thought the best thing right now was telling her something that would make her feel better, "Because you're the closest thing I've had to a mom."

Lily's eyes filled with more tears. How could you blame her? Chuck rarely said anything nice. And she had wanted him to feel that way about her.

She stood up from her chair and enveloped Chuck in a hug.

Chuck never got hugs. Ever.

He was extremely uncomfortable at first. He didn't quite like her being this close to him. But after a minute or so he found it endearing and hugged back a bit.

She let him go and sat back down in her chair. She wiped at the wet spots on her cheek where the tears had run down and sniffled. She smiled at him and laughed a little. Chuck managed to smile back.

"The doctor said you were very lucky to have lived. He said…that if you would have cut your wrists vertically instead of horizontally the way you did, you would've surly bled out within minutes…because of how deep you cut them." She had the worried look on her face again.

Of course! How could he have been so stupid?!

Everyone knew you cut your wrists vertically when you were serious about committing suicide! That way the vain would slice open more and you would bleed out faster.

Well, now he knew how he'd messed up.

Chuck wanted to change the subject. Take his mind off of this.

He wanted Lily to stop looking so damn worried.

"Can I ask you a couple things?" He asked her.

"Of course." She wrested her hand on his fore arm.

"Can you see if the doctor would up my dosage of meds?" He felt exactly where his skin was torn underneath the bandages. It was awful.

"Oh yes of course I can. Are you in a lot of pain?"

"Aw, not really. I can handle it. Just when I get an opportunity to get high off any kind of drugs I take it."

Lily knew he was lying of course. So she didn't bother him about it. "You wanted to ask me something else?"

"Yes…does this gown make me look completely stupid?" Chuck asked seriously.

She giggled, but shook her head.

"For some reason I don't believe you."

She laughed harder.

And for the first time in months, Chuck smiled a real smile.


	3. Chapter 3

After Chuck and Lily finished talking she went to find the doctor to see if he could give her _son_ more pain medication. But Chuck didn't stay awake long enough to see if she succeeded.

His eyelids had become so heavy he couldn't lift them up anymore. He closed his eyes and rested. He was sure he appeared to be asleep, but he wasn't. He remained aware of what was going on around him for quite some time.

Someone came into the room and scribbled some things down on a clipboard again. Probably the nurse that was taking care of him. He was glad she thought he was asleep so he didn't have to listen to her.

Eric and Serena came in once. They stood by his bed. Not saying a word.

Chuck found that to be sadder than actually saying something. He didn't want to open his eyes to see the look on their faces. He had seen Lily's; he didn't need to see theirs too.

He felt their hands brush against his. He flinched a bit and they quickly pulled away.

"Don't wake him up. Mom told us not to wake him." Serena whispered softly.

"Yeah I know!" Eric replied sharply, but his voice was a whisper too.

Okay. Chuck was wishing now that they would stop talking again, He heard the sadness in Serena's and the anger in Eric's. He hadn't meant to hurt either of them by doing this.

Truthfully, he hadn't thought they would care much. They weren't actually related. Serena and him had grown apart since they were kids. At times it seemed that she hated him now. And he had been quite the asshole to Eric, lately.

Maybe he had under estimated how much they cared about him.

Shortly after that they left. He was relieved, you could have cut the tension between his two step-siblings with a knife.

That was when Chuck fell into a deep sleep. He thought it would be peaceful and less sad in his sleep.

But images of Blair plagued him in his dreams.

Her gorgeous face.

Those eyes. Those deep brown eyes that he could stare into forever.

Her lips and the way they curved around his so perfectly.

Her soft touch. No one ever touched him like Blair. She could be gentle and soothing when she wanted to be. But that wasn't very often when she was around Chuck.

Her voice. He loved her voice. He would say almost anything just to get her to say something back. Whether she said it sweetly or in her icy tone, he didn't care. Just as long as he heard her voice.

He dreamt of her standing next to Nate, laughing and smiling at him. He was walking towards them, but stopped about 10 feet away. Blair turned to look at Chuck and a bigger smile spread across her face.

She skipped gracefully in Chuck's direction. Quickly closing the gap between them.

The beautiful girl stopped in front of him. He was breathing heavily from

nervousness.

She took his face in her hands. Chuck looked into her eyes. He had no idea what she was doing.

Blair then planted her lips onto his.

She kissed him fiercely. As if she had been waiting for this moment forever.

Chuck opened his eyes and glanced at Nate, his mouth was hanging wide open and his eyes were fixed in a confused stare.

Ha! Take that Nathaniel! Chuck thought and turned back Blair.

He grabbed her waist and pulled her close to him so he could feel every part of her body. She pulled away from their fiery kiss and stroked his cheek.

"I love you." She whispered onto his lips so he could feel her breath.

"I love you too." He whispered back and pushed his lips back onto hers.

He held on to her so tightly. He didn't ever want to let her go.

A loud crashing noise woke him suddenly and he practically jumped out of the bed.

Dream on Bass.

He couldn't have her.

Never did. And never would.

"Oh! I'm sorry Mr. Bass! I didn't mean to wake you! I was trying to-" The less annoying brown-haired nurse rambled on.

Chuck looked to his left and peered over the side of his bed to see one of the flower vases shattered.

He grunted and shrugged it off. He didn't give a damn about a broken flower vase. He just wished she hadn't woken him from his dream.

He crossed his arms over his chest and watched the nurse clean up the glass.

When she was done she rolled a metal cart over to the side of the bed.

"Can I see your wrists? I need to change your bandages." She asked politely and held out her hand.

Chuck was unsure. He glanced down at his wrists and back to the lady. She nodded as if to say it was okay.

He slowly uncrossed his arms and brought his left wrist to her hand.

The nurse carefully unwrapped the white bandage. Once she got to the end she pulled it away from his skin and his wrists began to throb again. He winced.

Where he had cut his skin it was pink and puffy. There were many dark stitches holding the flayed skin together.

He squeezed his eyes shut while the brunette woman took clean gauze from the cart and re-covered his wrists tightly.

She did his other arm next. Same procedure. He didn't open his eyes again until she was finished with both.

"Are they feeling any better than they were earlier? Your mom said you were in pain."

"Yeah they're fine. Thanks." Chuck didn't like sounding weak so he didn't tell her they still hurt. Although they did hurt less than they had been that morning. He must have gotten more meds like he wanted.

He looked at the clock that was on the wall opposite the one with his bed.

8:26

And by the absence of light from outside the window he guessed it was P.M.

"Can I get up?" He asked her lazily.

"Ummmm." It seemed as if she didn't know whether it was okay or not.

"Look lady, I seriously need to take a piss."

"Oh. Yes of course." She put the gauze back onto the cart and rolled it to the side so it was out of his way.

His legs were kind of sore and hard to move. But that was reasonable since he had been laying in a bed for two days without getting up once.

He wondered how long you had to be lying down for blood clots to start forming.

Well he was just becoming paranoid now, wasn't he?

He slid off the bed and onto his feet. He was wearing socks, but he could still tell the floor was cold.

The gown he was wearing was hideous. He hated wearing it. But only he would care about something so miniscule as that.

He felt the cool breeze against his back and legs. Fortunately he still had his boxers on so that part of his body wasn't bare.

Hey, at least they let me keep two articles of my own clothing. He thought as he walked towards the door that led to the bathroom in his room.

"Mr. Bass?" She said quickly like she had remembered something.

"Yeah?" Chuck turned around to look at her.

"You have some visitors that would really like to see you. They've been here all day. They were actually here yesterday too. Is it okay if I let them in?"

"Yeah sure." He told her as if he didn't care and made his way into the bathroom. He guessed it was just Serena and Eric. And he had to talk to them sometime.

Once in the bathroom, he slowly walked over to the mirror. He stared at his reflection for a long time.

He looked like shit.

His hair was completely out of place and there were bags under his eyes.

He splashed water on his face and tried to make his hair better. He hated it when his hair was messed up.

He still looked awful. But not like shit he supposed.

Chuck kept looking at himself for awhile.

He thought of the last time he had been looking at himself in a mirror. And how he had shattered every piece of glass.

He tried to laugh of the memory.

He relieved himself of his full bladder. God, he hadn't peed in two days!

He flushed and washed his hands. But before he left the bathroom he paused to look at himself in the mirror one last time.

He thought about everything that made him who he was. Why he was such a dick sometimes. And why he was even mean to the people that he loved. Like Blair.

All his life he had blamed his dad for the way he was. But, maybe in reality he wasn't the reason for it at all.

Maybe that was just how he was.

Maybe no one could have prevented.

Even if he was raised in a house filled with love and belonging.

Chuck thought of what it would have been like to be brought up in a family with a mother who had survived giving birth to him and a father who didn't blame him for it.

It didn't really matter. He couldn't change it. But he thought of what he might have grown up to be if that had been the situation.

_Maybe. _Just maybe. He would've been…different.

Different enough not be a raging asshole.

Different enough to let people see the real him.

And maybe being different would have made him good enough for her.

But maybe not.

He would never know.

He only knew what it was like now. And now he wasn't good enough for Blair.

He couldn't have her.

He tried to shake this out of his mind before he left the bathroom. But he couldn't fully destroy the thought.

He opened the bathroom door to see the nurse was no longer there.

He was instead accompanied by two other guests.

Nate and Blair.

Chuck slammed the door closed behind him.

Blair was closest to him. Standing only a few feet away. He saw how red and puffy her eyes were. He guessed she had been crying.

He tried not to look at her. He didn't like to know she'd cried over this after what she had done to him.

After all this was there fault! He was in this hospital because of them!

He saw Nate standing near the foot of the hospital bed.

The images of them kissing on the street two days earlier ran through his mind. He was full of anger now.

How dare they come see me?! And together?! Chuck couldn't believe it.

Nate was the first to speak, "Man, are you okay?" He solemnly asked him.

"Get out." Chuck gritted though his teeth.

"What?" Nate looked so perplexed like he didn't know what else to say.

"Get out of here, you fucking bastard!"


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter four! Please review because that's what really keeps me going on this story.

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Chuck yelled it so loud he was sure everyone in the hallway had heard. Even people five doors down from his room had probably heard him.

Nate was appalled by the words that came out of Chuck's mouth. Chuck never yelled at him. Nate couldn't remember the last time Chuck had been mad at him. But he could see he was certainly pissed about something so Nate left the room quickly, without another word.

Chuck climbed back into the bed. He felt exposed standing there in the hospital gown.

He turned his head towards Blair. He was expression-less. But he saw the confused look on her face.

She took a step towards him, "Chuck."

"You too, bitch." He snapped at her.

Her face turned from confused to hurt. But she stood where she was, not moving.

"No. I'm not leaving. Not until you explain this to me." She told him stubbornly.

"I don't have to explain anything to you!" He wanted her to leave. She was hurting him by being here. He just wanted to forget her.

"Don't you know how worried I was!?" Fresh tears started dripping from her eyes.

Chuck didn't like seeing her cry. It pained him inside, but he couldn't show any sign of caring if he wanted her to leave and never come back.

"Frankly, I don't care how worried you were. Now leave." He turned away from her so he didn't have to see her beautifully sad face.

"No, Chuck. You can say anything you want to me, but I'm not leaving." She came to the side of his bed and took his hand and held it in both of hers.

He simply couldn't pull his hand away. He didn't want to face her, but he turned back in her direction so she would be able to tell that he was serious.

"You've basically said that before, but you didn't stick around for long did you?"

"What do you mean?" She held onto his hand tighter and drew it closer to her body so she was holding it against her stomach.

It was hard being this close to Blair and not reach up to kiss her. But he had to remain in control of himself.

"I mean that you told me you would stand by me through anything, no matter how bad it was. Remember that?" His voice was getting louder, "It was also when you said you loved me. But you couldn't keep your promise to stick by me, because not that much later you told me you were done! You couldn't stand by me any longer!"

Chuck remembered how wounded he had been when he went to apologize to her, but she threw his apology right back in his face. Pretty much literally since she did throw the flowers he had brought her back at him.

"I'm sorry. I was just so hurt. Chuck please…" He watched tears run down her face and wanted to wipe them away but he was to mad to just forgive her.

"But now you're back with Nate, so you don't really need me." He said it so nonchalantly that it really did sound like he couldn't care less about the fact.

A look of realization spread across Blair's face as she finally understood why he was so mad. "Chuck, please let me explain." She said desperately.

"You're nothing but a lying whore. That needs no explaining." He yanked his hand out of her grasp.

She gulped and her lips slowly parted like she wanted to say something else but she couldn't get the words to come out. The tears stopped rolling down her face but she brushed her wet cheeks to try to dry them.

He turned away from her again. She stood there silently next to the bed for a few moments. Hurt and not knowing what to do.

She slowly put her back to him and walked out of the room.

He twisted his head in her direction and watched her leave.

He hoped that his heart rate would slow down, but it didn't. He threw his head violently against the pillow.

She disgusted him right now. But mostly, Chuck was disgusted with himself.

How can I still feel like this about her after she's hurt me so much? Chuck asked himself.

He looked over to the table with the flowers vases on them. For the first time he saw who they were from.

One from Lily, Serena, and Eric of course.

But there was also one from Blair and one from Nate.

He picked up the one from Nate and without reading what the note said, threw it at the wall with the clock. It shattered into a million pieces instantly. The water splashed onto the floor and the flowers gently fell on top of it.

He proceeded to pick up the flowers from Blair. Peonies.

What a bitch. He thought and shook his head. Giving him the same flowers he had given her? Did she think that was some grand romantic gesture?

He twisted the vase in his hands so he could read the note.

_Chuck-_

_Please get well soon._

_Love,_

_Blair_

Wow. That was one hell of a note. Really heart felt.

Without a moments notice Chuck threw that vase at the wall too.

Glass shattered. Water splashed. Flowers fell.

Now there was a mess for the less than capable nurses to clean up.

He tried to unclench his fists and calm down. He was breathy very heavily, trying to catch his breath. He threw his hands up to his face, like he was trying to rub off the anger.

Only a few seconds had passed since he crushed the vases on the wall and some nurses rushed in to see what had happened.

"Mr. Bass, are you alright?!" the tall brunette one asked him. I really need to learn their names, Chuck thought.

"Yeah I'm fine. See?" He held up his wrists," I didn't try to kill myself." He said almost sarcastically.

Some of the nurses left when they saw he was okay, but the brown-haired one stayed to clean up the broken vases while the happy blonde came over to talk to him.

"I really think you need to get control of yourself, Mr. Bass." She said very seriously, "You really disturbed some of the other patients with your out-burst when you were with your friends. Now this?"

"I'm sorry, it won't happen again." Chuck reassured her, but he was having a hard time convincing even himself so he wasn't sure if she would believe him or not.

"Okay then. Now, are you up to seeing your family?"

"Yeah. Sure. Whatever." he knew it was inevitable. He had to talk to Serena and Eric sometime.

"Alrighty, I'll go get them." The pony-tailed blonde scurried from the room.

The other nurse continued to clean up the glass. He hoped she would hurry so she wouldn't hear the conversation they were all about to have.

"I'll have someone come in and mop up the water later, okay?" She barely made eye contact with him.

He found it kind of funny that she wouldn't look at him. Maybe he was scaring off all the nurses. He chuckled to himself and nodded at her.

She left the room just as Serena, Eric, and Lily came in. Eric and Serena quickly strode over to the sides of his bed. Serena on the left. Eric on the right. They buried him in a group hug.

Chuck found it extremely hard to keep tears from falling out of his eyes.

He had definitely under estimated how much they cared about him.

"Okay okay. What's with all the family love and stuff?" He sort of gently nudged them both off of him so he could breath again.

They both pulled up chairs next to the hospital bed so they could remain close to him.

They tag teamed him with the regular questions. _What happened? How are you? Do you need anything?_

And he answered the same way he did before. _I don't know what happened. I'm fine, really. No._

They tried to pry some answers from him by asking what had happened the day he cut himself. He tried to vaguely answer them by just saying it was any other day, "I went to school. Came home. The end." He really didn't want to talk about it anymore, but he did have one question for them.

"Hey, who found me anyways?" Chuck looked at all three of them when he asked.

"I did." Eric answered weakly then stared down at the floor. He obviously didn't want to go into detail about it.

"Oh. Okay." He just nodded.

After a few minutes of silence Chuck had to say something, "You know I'm really starving. Do they have anything good to eat around here?"

"Something to eat? Yes. Good? No." Eric answered him.

"Oh shut up. We'll go get you something." Serena smiled at him and grabbed Eric's arm. Lily took Eric's seat next to Chuck's bed and held his hand again. He smiled at her.

Serena and Eric left the room swiftly, but Eric stopped his sister once they were outside of the room.

"Serena, wait." He held her arm.

"What? What's wrong?" She looked at him confused.

"Nothing. I just think I should show this to you." He pulled a folded piece of paper from his pant pocket and handed it to her.

"What is this?"

"I found that on Chuck's bed after the paramedics took him away."

Serena studied the crumpled paper. It had what she guessed were Eric's finger prints covered in Chuck's blood all over it. She opened it.

It read…

_Blair-_

_I love you._

_Always have._

_I'm sorry I never told you. It's one of my biggest regrets._

_But I've realized I can't have you._

_And I can't take it anymore._

_-Chuck_

Serena folded it up and looked at Eric, "Why didn't you show this to me sooner? Did you show it to mom?"

"No I didn't. I don't know why I didn't show you guys. But I thought we should give to Blair."

"What? Why would we give it to Blair?" Serena didn't give the note back to Eric, instead she put it in her own pocket.

"Well, it is to her you know?!"

"Did you not hear that fight between the two of them earlier?! Chuck wouldn't want us to give this to her now. These were his dying thoughts. But he's alive so it doesn't really matter anymore."

"Yes it does matter! Blair deserves to know what he had to say to her!" He argued with her. Eric tried to remain as quite as possible so he wouldn't gain the attention of the people passing by them.

"Well I have it now and I'm not giving it to her. Now come on we're supposed to be getting food for him." Serena told her younger brother firmly and walked in the direction of the cafeteria. He slowly tagged along behind her.


	5. Chapter 5

Kind of a short chapter. It was hard for me to think of what happened around this part of the story. But I've already planned out what's happening later, so more exciting things will start happening soon.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Chuck ate all the food Serena and Eric had brought him, that filled up two trays, in under ten minutes. It was probably the most revolting food he had ever tasted, but how food tastes doesn't really matter when you haven't eaten in two days.

When he was through eating his appetite was fully satisfied, but he realized what he really wanted was a smoke and a drink. But as long as he was in this hospital he wasn't gonna get it.

Lily left to go call Rufus. She told Chuck that he had been worried about him. He thought she said that hoping he would start liking Rufus more. Serena had also left, for reasons unknown. 

So him and Eric were left by themselves. They were making small talk, chatting about unimportant things until Eric changed the subject to a more serious matter.

"I know how it feels, Chuck. To be in your position."

He just nodded in response because he didn't really know what else to say.

"But maybe you had a better reason to do it than I did." Eric shuffled his hands uncomfortably, "Do you want to talk about it? I mean, why you did it?"

Chuck paused for a second before he said anything, "Not really." He looked down at his wrists and touched one with the opposite hand. Yep, it still hurt.

"I found the note you wrote to Blair."

He had almost forgotten about writing that. It seemed as if none of it was actually real. Like he'd written the note in a dream.

"Oh. I see." Was all he could say in reply.

"You can talk to me about. Please?" Eric's face looked like it was set in a permanent frown. "What happened?"

Chuck couldn't keep saying that it was nothing. It was building up inside him. The sadness. He knew he could trust Eric. He was always understanding. He didn't judge him.

"I saw her and Nate kissing." He wasn't sure if that would be explanation enough for Eric, but he guessed it wasn't so he continued, "I saw them kissing and I just couldn't take it anymore. Everything sucks in my life. The one good thing was Blair. And he took her away from me."

"But you and Blair weren't even together were you?" Eric's eyes were fixated on his.

"No. But still, I love her and Nate knew that. I told him." Chuck didn't look at him.

"I'm sorry. So what happened after you saw them?"

"I went home. And I just couldn't get her out of my damn head!" He raised his voice, but not enough for anyone outside of the room to hear him. "I just kept thinking about her!"

"Well, that's how it is when you love someone. You can't forget about them, Chuck." Eric explained to him. He knew Chuck had never loved anyone before Blair.

"And that's precisely why I did this." He lifted his arms up an inch or two, "I knew I would ever be able to forget about her. And I'd never be able to have her."

"But she came to see you. Doesn't that say something?"

"Yeah she came to see me, with Nate. So no. It doesn't say something. Nothing good at least."

"I'm really sorry, Chuck. But your life isn't over just because you don't have her." Eric tried to reassure him.

"You don't understand! You don't understand what it's like to be me! I have no one! Blair's the first person to ever tell me they loved me!" His heart rate increased as he thought of when she had said 'I love you.' And how he hadn't been man enough to say it back.

But he knew he loved her. It wasn't just infatuation.

He had been infatuated before. Completely astounded by a woman.

But Blair was different.

He didn't have to be having sex with her to feel something.

He actually cared about what she had to say and how everything in her life was going.

If she had let him, he would've been with her all the time.

He would've wiped away all her tears.

Heard all of her wonderful laughs.

But she didn't think he was that type of guy. The type of guy who wanted to stick around. And be with her. She thought he only wanted sex.

"I'm sorry." Eric meekly said.

"Stop apologizing! This isn't your fucking fault!" Chuck yelled at him.

Eric eyes grew big and Chuck regretted it.

He hoped the nurses hadn't heard too.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to do that." He said to him sincerely.

"It's okay. I just don't want you to hurt yourself again, Chuck." He grabbed onto his hand, "I love you."

Chuck gulped. He was shocked by his words. He wanted to say it back to him. He did love Eric, like his own brother. But he couldn't get the words to come out. So instead he sat up in the bed and pulled Eric into a hug.


	6. Chapter 6

Chuck stared at the ceiling of the hospital room. It was completely dark. The door was closed and he couldn't see anything. He just looked up into the darkness.

It was somewhere around midnight to one in the morning.

He couldn't see the clock but he knew how much time had passed since he'd last seen it.

He had been in the hospital for a week now and he was leaving in the morning.

He had thrown some more fits, broken things, yelled at some nurses. He had really scared them off. Only the annoying blonde came to check on him now. He completely petrified the brunette one.

Blair had come to see him again. But there had definitely not been any reconciliation between the two of them.

"_Please just let me see him! I want to see him!"_

"_But he doesn't want to see _you, _Ms. Waldorf."_

"_I don't care! Let me in!" He imagined small Blair trying to push past the nurse._

"_Chuck! Chuck! I know you can hear me!" And he did hear her even though the door was closed but he didn't say anything._

"_Please, I just want to see him." She said softer because she had started crying._

"_I'm sorry but you need to leave."_

_And then there was silence._

That had been two days ago. He remembered every second as he laid there in silence.

But he was leaving when morning came.

And he wasn't looking forward to it. He would much rather stay there than go to the place where he would be locked up in tomorrow afternoon.

The Ostroff Center.

"_Charles, you are doing great, recovering extremely well. There is no reason you shouldn't be able to leave soon."_

"_Just tell me when and I'm outta here." He'd been so relieved to hear he wouldn't be staying in that hell hole much longer. Cigarettes and scotch ran through his mind. God, he couldn't wait._

"_Well, I talked about it with Lily, and…" He quickly glanced at Chuck's step-mom who was standing at the side of his bed. The doctor paused for a moment before going on, "I recommended that you go to the Ostroff Center and she agreed."_

"_What?!" His mouth dropped open and he looked at both the doctor and Lily, "That place is for drug addicts and alcoholics! I'm not going there!" He couldn't believe that Lily had agreed to this. No cigarettes and scotch any time soon._

"_It's also for depressed people, Charles. And my boy, you can deny it all you want but you are clinically depressed. You do recall slitting your wrists?" He said smugly._

"_I don't give a fuck if I'm clinically depressed!" He screamed at the old, balding doctor who was also extremely round. Chuck betted he hadn't gotten laid in three years. Maybe five._

"_It's not your choice. Lily is your legal guardian and she believes it's what's best for you. You're not going to get better just by being out in the real world. I'm sure she's afraid you might hurt yourself again. And the Ostroff Center really did help your brother Eric."_

"_Well I don't see him here supporting this idea! I'm sure he didn't like that place!"_

"_Like I said it's not your choice. Whether you like it or not, you're going." _

_Chuck flipped him off, the doctor just shook his head and left._

_Lily put her hand on his shoulder apologetically, he gave her an evil stare in response. She left the room knowing he would most likely want to be alone._

That had happened at 2:48 yesterday afternoon.

He hadn't slept a wink. And he didn't expect to.

He tried to picture himself sleeping in a bed at the Ostroff Center in 24 hours. But he couldn't. It just didn't seem real to him.

The Ostroff Center? People like me don't go to places like that. I can take care of myself. Always have been. Chuck told himself.

He kept trying to imagine himself being surrounded by people who he thought to be weak, since they couldn't handle their own messes.

Unimaginable.

He thought about his wrists and how they had begun to ache a little less each day. Now they just felt like really bad paper cuts underneath the bandages.

His mind began to wander.

"_Chuck, come look at this!" Blair squealed._

"_What?" He slumped over her shoulder to look at the computer screen she was giggling at._

_He studied it, "What is this?" He asked in an interested voice._

"_It's called Gossip Girl. Kati and Is discovered it a few days ago. It's some girl from our school that posts like everything about everyone!" She smiled at the screen evilly._

"_Well, I'm sure it's heaven for you." He slid into the seat next to her. They were in the computer lab at school, alone._

"_Actually I don't enjoy it that much," She lied, "I just wanted to tell you that I know you had sex with Jillian Matthews two days ago." She smirked at him._

"_What?! It says that on there?! No way! Let me see!" He was now very intrigued._

"_I knew you'd like it." Blair laughed as Chuck turned the screen so he could look at it._

"_That's very interesting." He sat back down, "I wonder what it says about you."_

_She scoffed, "Nothing! I wouldn't allow anything about me to be put on this site."_

"_Mmm hmm…I can't wait for someone to find out who you've had sex with and post it on here."_

"_We're in 7__th__ grade, Chuck. I haven't had sex with anyone. You know that."_

"_Well I could change that right now." He leaned closer to her._

"_Oh, please." She ignored his closeness._

"_You know you'll do it with me someday. It's unavoidable. I'm just simply irresistible." He blew on his fingers and shined them on his navy blue blazer. _

"_I will not have a relationship, whether it being sexual or not, with anyone one but Nate."_

"_Oh I see. So you're gonna be with Nathaniel forever, huh?"_

"_Yes." She nodded once and kept skimming through the site._

"_Want to make a bet?"_

"_What? No!" Disgustedly shocked._

"_Fine. Then I guess you don't really believe you'll be with him for the rest of your life."_

"_Shut up, Chuck! Yes I do!" _

"_Whatever, you won't make the bet so I don't believe you."_

"_You're just doing this to annoy me and trick me into making the bet!"_

"_Maybe." He shrugged._

"_Ugh! You know what? You'll probably die from aids when you reach the age of eighteen!"_

"_And you'll probably die in a horrible plastic surgery accident!"_

"_What?!" Blair grabbed her face, "You think I need plastic surgery?!"_

"_No," Chuck shook his head and smiled. "Just saying."_

_Blair pushed him out of the chair he was sitting in._

"_Ow! What was that for?!" He asked her from the ground._

"_For being a jerk. I'm just preparing you for all the pain you'll endure later in life." She turned back to the computer._

"_What?"_

"_I mean with all your numerous STDs and everything."_

"_Whatever, I will not get an STD." He helped himself back up and onto the chair._

"_Really? Wanna bet on that?" Blair turned to him again._

"_Yeah, I do."_

"_Ok." She held out her small hand to shake on it. _

"_What do I get? If I win." He didn't take her hand._

"_If you're STD free by your eighteenth birthday…then," She paused contemplating a good prize. "Then you get to kiss me." She smiled at him like that was the greatest gift he could ever receive._

"_That's it? Fine. But even if you're with Nate or some other guy by that time you still have to do it. On the lips. With tongue. For at least a minute."_

"_Ugh. Gross." She made a face at him._

"_Do we have a deal?" He held out his boyish hand._

_She scowled at him for a moment then took his hand, "Deal."_

Chuck blinked his eyes open and shielded them from the light coming through the window. He hadn't remembered falling asleep or even being close to falling asleep last night.

He climbed out of bed and walked to the window and quickly pulled the curtains shut. He hated that damn window.

He was about to climb back in bed when he saw a small stack of folded clothes on the table across from the bed. There was a not left on top of them. He snatched it up.

_Sweetie-_

Wait. Sweetie? Chuck stopped and thought to himself. He shuddered. No matter how close him and Lily had been growing, it did not give her permission to call him sweetie or even right it on a note.

He went back to reading it.

_Here's some clothes for you. I packed the rest of them and brought it to the center along with some of your other stuff. Everything is set up. We'll leave at 8:00. Maybe stop to get breakfast on our way there so you can have some real food. I'm sorry again, but I really think this is what's best._

_Love,_

_Lily_

He crumpled the paper and threw it at the trash. Miss.

He then looked at the clothes she had brought him. Two things he wouldn't have paired together, but it was way better than the gown. He quickly ripped the gown from his body and put on his own clothes. Much better.

He sat back on the bed since there was nothing else to do. He glanced at the clock.

7:36


	7. Chapter 7

He sat there on the bed staring at the clock. Chuck wasn't one to get nervous very often, but he was getting antsy.

7:38

Only twenty-two more minutes of so called freedom.

The hospital wasn't so great but he thought it would be better than the Ostroff Center.

The minute hand changed.

7:39

Look on the bright side. No annoying nurses, he reassured himself.

He hated Lily for agreeing to this. Just when she had been growing on him, she had to go screw it all up.

7:40

Chuck tried to calm himself by thinking of other things.

"_Hurry up guys!" Serena ran through the park, the way they always walked to school. She was being her regular happy self._

"_Um why?" Blair kept walking at a normal pace next to Chuck and Nate._

"_We don't have to be at school for another," Chuck checked his watch, "Twenty-five minutes. Why the hell are you running?"_

_There was freshly fallen snow everywhere, but that didn't stop Serena. She was jumping and skipping every which way. Nate jogged to catch her._

_Chuck blew out long breaths so he could see the fog like clouds come from his mouth._

_Blair started chattering her teeth and pulled her knee length coat closer to her body. _

_He looked her up and down, pitying the girl. Her asshole of a boyfriend should have been holding her closely, trying to keep her warm instead of running around with her blonde and bouncy friend._

"_Here you want my scarf? It's fucking freezing." He pulled his scarf off his neck and offered it to her._

"_What? You won't die if you're away from your precious scarf?" She asked sarcastically shocked._

"_Oh shut up." And with that he wrapped it around her neck._

_She held it tightly to her and smelled it for a second. She wrinkled her nose._

"_What?" He looked at her grossed out face._

"_It smells like weed. And you." She stated, disgusted by the smell of it._

"_Well of course it smells like me! Sorry about the weed smell, though." The snow crunched underneath their feet._

_She giggled at looked at him," It's okay. Thanks. And the you smell isn't so bad. It's quite nice, actually." Before he could say anything she sprinted away with his scarf to catch up with Nate and Serena._

_Chuck stood there for a bit, dumfounded by what Blair had said. Then he chuckled to himself and quickened his pace so he wasn't walking alone._

He sighed, wondering why old memories like that kept popping into his brain randomly.

7:46

He traced his fingers over the bandages that were still wound tightly around his wrists. He pushed on one to see how much pressure he had to put on it to make the throbbing come.

Not very much.

He wanted the take the gauze off to see how swollen his wrists still were. Maybe they weren't so pinkish.

The doctor and nurses had told him it would take awhile for the cuts to fully heal and he just had to be patient.

The stitches were going to be removed in a couple weeks if they were as healed as the doctor thought that would be by that time.

Chuck wasn't particularly excited about it. It was just something that was going to happen in the near future. Like a dentist appointment or a test. It couldn't really be avoided.

7:50

Ten more minutes.

Blair.

He could only remember being this anxious one time before. And that had been when he was going to take Blair to Tuscany. It was a more excited than anxious than this but it was the closest thing he could think of.

He had been so excited to go with her. To see her face. And hold her. They would've been completely alone. Even if he didn't tell Nate or anyone else about his enthusiasm, he couldn't wait.

But, he had waited for his father to come home so he could see him before they left. Which was a stupid mistake.

When his father had gone on and on about how having a girlfriend would change him and he'd finally grow up, Chuck realized he wouldn't change. Even if he wanted to. And therefore he couldn't have Blair. She would've seen what a horrible person he really was and that he couldn't be trusted.

But she thought that now anyways.

He hadn't gained anything from leaving her there alone.

7:54

Chuck thought about himself again. He hadn't done anything right with Blair. He had screwed everything up.

But some of this was still her fault. He wasn't the only one to blame for how their relationship turned out.

7:55

He got out of the bed and strolled over to the window, one hand in his pocket. Slid the curtains back so he could look outside.

He knew Lily wouldn't be there at exactly 8:00 on the dot. She would either be early or late.

He just hoped it was the second one.

But it wasn't.

There was a knock on his door at 7:55:49.

"Charles? Can I come in? Are you ready?" Lily asked him cautiously from behind the door.

He stared out the window for a few more seconds. Thinking.

He turned around and quickly walked to the door and flung it open.

Without looking her in the eye, Chuck mumbled, "Yeah I'm ready, Let's go." And almost power walked down the hall, to the elevator, and out of the hospital.

"Hello, Mr. Bass! Welcome!" An older lady from behind the front desk smiled at him.

He just gave her a dirty look and glanced around the office.

"Dr. Sherman is waiting for you and your son in his office, Ms. Van der Woodsen."

"Oh, thank you." Lily smiled at the lady and guided Chuck to a door located not that far from the desk.

They sat and talked with the doctor for what seemed like two hours to Chuck, but in reality was probably only fifteen minutes.

He zoned them out the whole time. He was off drowning in self pity. He only nodded when they appeared to be saying something to him, but he didn't bother to listen.

After that Dr. Sherman, who was a tall skinny man with glasses, and Lily both escorted him to his room there.

It was complete with a bed, tables, chairs, and a TV. The walls were painted a burgundy color. He was sure all the rooms there looked like exact replicas of this one.

"Okay, Lily already brought your things here yesterday, so you should be all set."

The man patted him on the shoulder.

Chuck nodded.

"Do you need anything?"

"No." He said harshly.

"Okay, Charles. I'll let you two have some time."

Chuck wasn't facing him, but he knew he had left the room.

"Are you sure you don't need anything?" Lily stepped closer to him.

"Yes! I'm sure. You can leave."

"Okay," She said quietly, "But I'll be back later."

"No. You don't need to come."

"Charles, yes I do." She put her hand on his arm and he jerked it away from her.

"You're not my mother."

"I know, but I still care."

"Whatever. Just don't come back today." Chuck stepped further into the room. He saw a suitcase on the table at the far end.

"Okay, then I'll be back tomorrow morning. Maybe take you to breakfast then, since you didn't want to go today."

He was silent.

"Okay," He thought she wanted him to say something but he wouldn't, "Bye."

She waited to see if he would reply then she left closing the door behind her.

He examined the room. There was a glass window that let you see into the room from the hallway. For the doctors and nurses checking in on patients. There was also a window that let you see outside. But the blinds were closed so the room was pretty dark.

Chuck slowly walked to the side of the bed close to the window and sat down. His back was facing the window that saw into the hallway so no one could see him.

He put his hands on his legs and breathed heavily. Tears were brewing in his eyes.

He tried to gain control of his emotions, but he couldn't stop the tears from streaming down his face.

His shoulders shook and his back was hunched.

And finally he gave up trying to suppress it.

Whimpers came from his mouth.

He gasped for air through the sobbing.

He let all the sadness that had been building up inside finally break through.


	8. Chapter 8

His lip was quivering as he stopped anymore tears from shedding onto his cheeks.

He tried to stop the shaking.

He pulled himself together quickly, taking deep breaths.

He wiped his soaked face until it was dry.

And then it was as if it never happened. Like he didn't just burst into to tears two minutes ago.

Chuck stood up from the bed and walked to where the suitcase sat on top of the table not to faraway.

He peeked inside to find clothes, books, and a few other things from his room.

She hadn't given him much because they barely allowed anything in this prison. He wouldn't be able to have a razor, for they feared he would cut himself again.

He dug through the bag looking for at least a tooth brush. He should at least be able to have a tooth brush! It wasn't like he was going to sit there all day turning it into a shank.

He finally found it at the very bottom with a normal hair brush. Relief washed over him. At least he had two things from actual civilization.

Chuck left the stuff in the suitcase and plopped himself down on the little bench that sat at the foot of the bed in front of the TV.

He wasn't one to watch TV very often but there was nothing else to do and he was afraid of what his mind might think of if it wasn't occupied.

He sat there for numerous hours, watching whatever was on. He wasn't picky about the shows. Just anything to keep his mind off _her._

A nurse with a food cart came around noon. It was the time all the food got delivered to the rooms. The same exact time everyday.

Chuck didn't touch the food, though. He felt as if he was going to throw up. This place made him nervous.

It was also extraordinarily boring.

The TV had stopped entertaining him hours ago.

He looked at the digital clock that was one of the night stands.

4:32

Holy shit, he thought. Where had the day gone? Had he seriously been sitting on that tiny bench for seven and a half hours?!

The phone on the other night stand rang. He just stared at it for a moment, hoping it wasn't Nate…or Blair.

"Hello?" He answered skeptically.

"Hi, Chuck. It's Vanessa." The girl on the other end stated.

"Vanessa? Why are you calling me? And how do you know to be calling me here anyways?" He asked kind of rudely.

"Well, I know because Lily knows and of course she told Rufus about all this and he told Dan. And Dan told me. I would have found out anyways if he hadn't. And I'm calling to see if you're alright. I didn't want to come see you in the hospital because I had heard that you weren't to excited about…having visitors."

"Is that really why you're calling?" He felt like there was something she wasn't saying.

"Yes. I just thought I should call."

"Why? You don't even like me that much."

"Doesn't mean I want you to kill yourself."

"Okay, well if that's all, I really must go. I have drug addicts and alcoholics to make friends with." He was about to hang up.

"Wait."

He had known there was something else. He smiled, "Yes?"

"Have you talked to Nate lately?"

Chuck couldn't believe she had just asked him that. His hand tightened around the phone. "No. Why would I?"

"Well he is your best friend isn't he?" She sounded confused by his question.

"Not anymore. Obviously you haven't been keeping up with who he's kissing these days."

"No. I know. I was his girlfriend after all. I guess I just forgot about you and Blair. It totally slipped my mind. I'm sorry."

"Yep. Sure. Whatever. No big deal. Why do you want to talk to him? If you don't mind me asking." He still held his grip on the phone.

"I guess I just miss him."

"Go find Humphrey. Make yourself miss him a little less."

"What are you talking about?"

"What? You and him don't do that sort of thing? My mistake." Chuck smirked.

"Nice one. Really funny," He could tell she was becoming annoyed quickly, "Well I just wanted to see how you were doing."

"No you didn't, you called to ask about Nate."

"Fine. Whatever. Just trying to be polite. Goodbye, Chuck." He heard a click and she was gone.

Chuck hung the phone on the hook. He was pleased he still had the power to drive people away.

There were only two reasons why he wasn't very fond of Vanessa. One, because she was best friends with Dan Humphrey. And two, because Blair hated her.

But number two didn't matter anymore.

He had been forced to eat the dinner that had been brought to him. One of the nurses stayed in the room with him until he finished at least half of it. Apparently they treated people with eating disorders there too. So not eating your food was a serious problem.

It wasn't that the food was bad, it was definitely better than what they had at the hospital. But he could feel his stomach twist and turn as he ate. He was going to be sick, he just knew it. He could felt how unsettled the food was.

When the lady nurse left his room he rushed into the bathroom, like at the hospital it was connected to his room. They were big on privacy here. But you couldn't tell by the big glass window that saw right into his room.

He kneeled to the toilet and what had been his dinner was now in the bottom of the bowl.

Now they were going to think he was bulimic, Chuck worried. He didn't want the doctors and nurses to have any reason to keep there longer than he needed to be. He feared they would come to the conclusion that he had many more problems than they expected and had to be kept there for a longer period of time. He wanted to leave as soon as possible.

"Mr. Bass!" The nurse ran in and pulled him to his feet.

Well this certainly sucks, he thought. Why do they need to check on you every ten seconds?!

"What are you doing?" She asked him seriously.

"I was seriously sick. I couldn't keep the food down, honestly." He pleaded to her.

She turned on the sink and filled up a cup that was on the counter with water for Chuck to rinse his mouth with.

He swished the water around and spit it into the sink. But the regurgitated food taste stayed on his tongue.

"Okay, lets go." She pushed him out of the bathroom.

There was something odd about her. She reminded him of someone. He couldn't place it though.

"Okay, sit." He sat down on the bed in the same place where he had sat crying, "You're not going to do that again. Do you understand me?" The nurse shook her finger at him.

"I really was sick. I-"

She interrupted him, "I asked if you understood me."

"Yes, Yes! I understand."

"Okay, good. I'm going to leave now." She walked out the door, closed it, and continued making her rounds.

Who she resembled popped into Chuck's head instantly.

Dorota!

Blair's funny maid, Dorota.

He always found it hilarious to mess with her.

He moved to the center of the bed and lied down. He didn't plan on falling asleep since he was still wearing his clothes. He still even had shoes on. He hadn't taken them off after he got there.

He shut his eyes, concentrating on remaining calm. He refused to freak out and let out his aggression here. Because there would be another reason to keep him here.

He would be marked as a raging suicidal bulimic.

His mind began to drift away from his worried thoughts.

"_Why is he never here?! Did I do something?!" Blair was upset that her boyfriend was ditching her, yet again._

"_What? Why would it be you?" Chuck knew why Nate had been acting so strange lately. He had slept with Serena. He had seen it with his own eyes, but he didn't have the heart to tell Blair about it. Although he had come close several times._

"_I don't know! I just don't understand." There was a tremendous amount of sadness and confusion in her voice._

_They were sitting at a table in the courtyard at school. By themselves. It had become a regular routine. Serena and Nate always used to sit with them, but Serena had left and Nate…well he was deserting her too._

_A tear slowly came from one of her eyes, but she wiped it away quickly and sniffled._

"_Blair, please don't cry. It's alright." They had grown a lot closer since Serena went to boarding school and Nate had stopped hanging out with them so much. She really didn't have any close friends left but him. He put his hand next to hers so they were barely touching._

_But she grabbed it tightly, "Why is this happening, Chuck?"_

_He tried to focus on her, but it was so weird to be holding her hand, "I- I-…I don't know." He was taken aback by his stuttering. He never stuttered. _

"_I'm just so confused. You're the only one who ever hangs around me anymore." She wrapped her arms around his neck and rested her head on his shoulder. _

_He had no idea what to do at first. He sat there like a complete idiot, not moving. Then he slowly put his hands on her back and squeezed her to his body._

_She placed her hand on the back of his neck. _

_He shivered at her touch but he didn't push her away. He still held onto her._

_Chuck felt kind of dirty and sneaky for holding Blair this way. _

_She was still his best friend's girlfriend. _

_But he was only comforting her, he thought._

_Blair was his friend too. He felt horrible keeping the secret about Nate and Serena from her. He could clearly see it was hurting her. But if she did know, she would be hurt even more. And he didn't want to see her in more pain. Because he would be the only one she would have left to turn to. And he didn't know what to do in that situation._

_He kept holding her. People began to look at them. After all, Chuck Bass should not be touching Blair Waldorf like that._

_One guy came up to the table, Blair couldn't see him because her back was facing him._

_He actually had the nerve to pull out his phone to take a picture._

_Chuck was furious. Was this guy going to seriously take a picture of them and send it to Gossip Girl?! He knew how upset that would make Blair._

_He grabbed Blair by her arms, pulled her off of him, and swung her around so she was still sitting on the bench at the table._

_He lunged towards the guy and tackled him the ground, "What the fuck do you think you're doing?!" He screamed in his face._

_He continued to punch the guy numerous times in the face while on top of him until a teacher came and pulled him off._

"Hey, Chuck. Wake up." Lily sat on the bed next to him. Stroking his hair and whispering to him. "Hey good morning." She said when he finally managed to open his eyes.

He moaned because of the uncomfortable position he was lying in.

"I'm taking you to breakfast." She kept stroking his hair back.

"I told you not to."

"I know, but Charles, please…just come with me."

He didn't say anything for awhile. He was still trying to full wake up.

"Okay fine. I'll go." He slowly slid out of bed and started towards the door.

"Don't you want to change…out of those clothes?" Lily asked.

"Nope. Let's go." He kept on walking.

The car ride consisted of Lily asking him how the center was last night and what he had done and why he was sleeping in his normal clothes.

Chuck tried to answer each question without screaming at her that it was awful and he couldn't believe she was making him stay there.

When they finally reached the restaurant Chuck stepped out of the limo and tried to smooth his wrinkly clothes.

Lily guided him inside. People we're always pushing him around lately, he realized.

When they got to the hostess Lily said, "We already have a table."

"Name?" The young woman asked her.

"Van der Woodsen."

She skimmed the list that was on her podium, "Okay right this way." She lead them through the restaurant back to a private room.

And when Chuck stepped inside he saw Serena, Eric, Rufus, Jenny, and Dan all sitting at one big table waiting for him and Lily to join them.


	9. Chapter 9

_**Sorry about how its underlined. I don't know why it did that. If anyone knows how to fix it they should tell me.**_

_He stood there with his mouth hanging open. _

_What the hell were they all doing here?_

_Chuck was furious that Lily had tricked him into thinking it would be just the two of them._

"_What is this?" He turned to her._

_She didn't say anything in response._

"_What is this?!" His voice grew louder._

_Rufus stood up from the table, "Chuck, Lily just wanted you to be around people who care about you." He walked towards him._

"_People who care about me?! You don't even know me!" Dan and Jenny seemed surprised at how angry he was, but not Eric and Serena. They'd heard all his outbursts at the hospital. "You're only here because you're sleeping with her!" He motioned to Lily._

"_That's not true. Just join us for breakfast." Rufus took a few more steps in his direction._

"_No thanks." Chuck turned and left the private room and swiftly made his way through the restaurant and out the door._

_He took deep breaths of the cold air, looking up and down the street. He wasn't going to wait for Lily to come find him and either take him back inside or take him back to the Ostroff Center._

_He decided to go the left route and started walking down the sidewalk. It was crowded with people like it always was. He weaved through them, trying to get as far away from the restaurant as possible. _

_He had walked for at least fifteen minutes when he happened to pass a news stand._

_The main headline was __**"Bass Jr. now in Ostroff Center"**_

Of course everyone had found out that Chuck Bass tried to commit suicide, but he hadn't thought about it at all. He knew Lily hadn't told the press or anyone else he knew for that matter would tell them. Someone at the hospital had probably gone blabbering to everyone.

He started moving quicker through the group of people hoping no one would recognize him.

He traveled for another ten minutes when he reached a bar. A smirk spread across his face. He swung open the door and stepped inside out of the cold air. 

The lights were very dim. Chuck sat down at a table, not at the bar itself. There was barely anyone in there since it was about seven in the morning. But the few people that were, looked totally wasted. He guessed they'd been there for quite awhile.

Naturally, he ordered scotch. One after another. The bartender kept them coming. When he came around with the fifth glass of amber liquid he asked, "You're Chuck Bass aren't you?"

"Yuuuppp." He gulped down the new glass the man had brought him.

"Well then you really need to drink up, son." He picked up the empty glass, "I'm sorry about your father."

"My what?" He was a bit confused.

"Your father." Then he turned to get another drink for the under age teenager.

What about his father? People had stopped feeling sorry for him awhile ago. They all thought he should just get over it. He contemplated it for a minute while he sipped the drink.

No one knew why he'd tried to kill himself.

Everyone just inferred it was because of his father because he had spiraled out of control after his death.

Well, it was better than everyone knowing it was because he was in love with Blair Waldorf, he guessed.

The bartender brought him an endless supply of scotch. He never stopped coming with a new one once he had finished the last. Chuck thought he was lucky for happening to come to this bar instead of one where they would refuse to serve him and possibly call somebody and tell them Chuck Bass was at their bar.

The door opened, but he didn't turn around to see who it was. He was too focused on his drink. He had missed the burning feeling as it slid down his throat.

"Chuck," Dan called to him and he walked over to his table, "We've been looking everywhere for you." He stated angrily.

"Really?" He asked uncaringly, watching his drink as he swirled it around in the glass.

"Yeah! Lily made us split up to find you. She's freaking out." 

"That's too bad." He kept his eyes on his drink.

Dan pulled out his phone, sat down in the chair across from Chuck, and dialed some numbers quickly.

"Yeah, I found him." He paused, "We're at a bar called Jack's Pub or something." He hung up the phone and put it back in his pocket. "They're coming to pick you up."

"No, really?" He looked at him and asked sarcastically.

"I may not understand what's going on with you, Chuck, but you can tell me."

"And why would I tell you?"

"Because we might actually be step brothers soon."

"Wow, that just makes me want to kill myself again." He finished off the last bit of the scotch.

"Why did you want to in the first place?" Dan was really trying to get Chuck to open up to him.

"That's none of your business."

"Fine. Does Lily, Eric, or Serena know?"

"Possibly."

"C'mon, Chuck. Tell me."

"The last time I told you a secret, you wrote a story about me."

Dan was silent. He didn't know what to say to that since it was true.

"That's what I thought." Chuck murmured.

The man came around with another glass for Chuck, but Dan told him that he wouldn't be drinking anymore. 

Chuck sat there, glaring at Dan, but he didn't seem to care. He just looked back at him.

The door opened again, "Charles!" Lily rushed over to them. "Dan, can you help me?"

"Yeah, of course."

They both grabbed Chuck by his arms and carried his sluggish body out of the bar. The driver opened the door of the limo and he helped Lily slide him into the back. Before Lily got in too she said thank you to Dan and that Rufus was meeting him back at the restaurant. 

The limo started moving slowly. He hoped the ride would go quicker so he wouldn't have to sit next to Lily for very long.

"Charles, I'm sorry I rushed you into all this. I shouldn't have had everyone else come." She reached out for him.

He scooted farther away from her and looked out the window, "Well, I'm glad you figured that out. Good for you."

"How much did you drink?" 

Usually you wouldn't be able to tell whether Chuck was drunk or not because of his tolerance of alcohol. He didn't know if she could tell now or not.

He answered her with a shrug. 

"You know I'm really sorry."

"Yeah I know."

And they didn't say anything for the rest of the ride back to the Ostroff Canter.

Chuck lied in bed, completely awake, but wishing he could fall asleep.

He'd been there for three days now. And he was having his first therapy session the next afternoon. He was less than excited about it.

His doctor had been extremely disappointed in him and Lily when she had taken him out to breakfast and he had ended up getting drunk. She wasn't aloud to take him anywhere for awhile. Chuck was kind of happy about that.

His bed was much more comfortable than the one at the hospital had been, but every night he found it hard to fall asleep. 

He tossed and turned trying to get into a comfortable position. Beads of sweat started forming on his forehead and he ripped the blankets off him. 

He laid on his back staring at the ceiling trying to cool off. 

"_Hey man, what's up? Why weren't you at school today?" Nate asked Chuck as he sat down next to him on Blair's couch. She had invited them both over._

"_I got in a fight." He stated simply._

"_You got in a fight?"_

"_Yep, I was there but they told me I had to leave." He put his feet up on the coffee table._

"_You got suspended?"_

"_No, the headmistress just told me to leave for the rest of the day." If his dad didn't give the school extreme amounts of money every year he most definitely would have been suspended._

"_Oookaayy…can I ask you why you got in a fight?" _

"_The guy was an asshole and he pissed me off."_

"_Alright." Nate dropped the conversation, Chuck was relieved. He didn't want to tell him he had beaten a guy up because he had been about to take pictures of him practically feeling up Blair._

"_Where's your girlfriend?" He looked around._

"_In the kitchen, getting food or something." He answered as if he didn't care._

_Chuck didn't understand why Nate didn't just brake up with her. He had obviously been in love with Serena for awhile. He didn't think any of this was fair to Blair._

"_Hey!" Blair skipped out of the kitchen with a platter of snacks. She was always a gracious hostess._

_Chuck scooted over on the couch so she could sit next to Nate. She plopped down between the two of them. She kissed Nate on the cheek, then she turned to Chuck and kissed him on the cheek._

_Nate looked at him oddly, but he didn't meet his gaze. _

_This is extremely awkward, Chuck thought._

"_So, why did you invite us over, Blair?" Nate asked her._

"_Just to hang out. We always hang out." She was trying really hard to get everything back to the was it used to be. Even if Serena was gone._

"_Well, I kinda have stuff to do…" He stood up from the couch slowly._

"_What? You do?" She was confused by how quickly he wanted to leave._

"_Yeah, but I'll call you later. Okay?" He bent down and kissed her on the cheek and left the living room._

_Once they heard the elevator doors shut, tears started dripping down Blair's face, "I don't understand!" She yelled._

_Chuck didn't know what to say so he just put his hand on her back and tried to calm her down. He couldn't believe Nate just left like that. _

_She wrapped her arms around Chuck's neck again and cried into his shoulder. _

"_Do you know why he's acting like this?" She said still pressed in his shoulder so her words were muffled._

_He paused for a long time, "No." He finally managed to say. It was a lie though._

_Blair cried for a minute or two then started to stop and pulled away from him. She wiped her eyes, "Nice job beating that guy up today." She laughed, trying to change the subject._

"_What? You didn't think I could do it?" He smiled at her._

"_Honestly, no. I didn't think you had it in you." She smiled back still wiping her eyes._

"_Well, I'm glad to have amazed you." _

"_Is my make-up smeared?" She asked him seriously._

"_Yes. It's like all over your face." He answered in the same tone._

"_Really?" She got up and looked in a mirror that was on the wall behind her. "No it's not, you liar!" She ran over to him and punched him in both shoulders a bunch of times._

"_Hey, I'm not up to my full strength since the fight so could you please go easy?" Chuck said jokingly._

"_Fine." Blair plopped back down on the couch._

"_Now, can you hand me that food you have there?"_

"_No. I made it for Nate." She said in a earnest tone._

"_What?! Are you serious?" He asked, shocked._

_She just smiled and giggled then popped a grape that was on the tray into her mouth._

Chuck rubbed his eyes, trying to shake the memory from his brain. He hated the damn memories that kept coming to him suddenly. He didn't have to be reminded of anything. His unoccupied mind would just go to happier times. He hated being reminded of happier times now.

He wiped the sweat off of his forehead and ran his fingers through his hair. He pulled the blankets back over his body and slowly drifted into a dreamless sleep.

He sat on the small bench again, flipping through channels. It was about 10:45 and his therapy session was at 11:00. He really wasn't looking forward to it.

There was a knock at his door, "Chuck, you have a visitor." one of the nurses said through the door.

"Okay." He stood up and opened it.

Nate quickly slid through the doorway before Chuck could slam it in his face.

He slammed the door anyways, angry at who it was.

"What do you think you're doing here?" He tried to remain as calm as possible.

"Look, Chuck. You can't stay mad at me forever."

"Sure I can. Just watch me." He crossed his arms.

"Chuck, please man…"

"Do you have something to say to me because I don't really have time to chat."

"Blair is really…upset, that you won't talk to her."

"So?" He walked over towards the small bench at the foot of the bed and sat down.

"I thought you would care." Nate's eyes followed Chuck.

"No. She has you now." He was trying extremely hard not to punch Nate in the face.

"C'mon, don't do this." He took a step towards him.

"Do what? What am I doing? You're Nate the Great. Every girl wants you. And so does she."

"What are you talking about, Chuck? You have girls all over you!"

"Yeah, for one night!" He stood up.

"And what girl have you wanted for more than one night?" Nate asked knowing Chuck never cared what girl he was sleeping with.

"Blair!" He yelled, now two feet away from him. 

Nate didn't say anything, he just looked down at his feet.

"Yeah, and now she has you. You're the one she always chose over me."

"It's not my fault." He looked back at him.

Chuck grabbed him by his shirt, threw him against the door, and held him there, "It's not your fault?! You know I'm in love with her and you got back together with her anyways!" He screamed only inches from his face.

Nate just stared back at him, wide-eyed.

The door knob rattled as someone on the outside tried to open it, "Chuck! Open the door!" The Dorota-like nurse yelled at him.

Chuck released Nate from his grip and opened the door. Nate exited quickly.

"What was that about?" She asked him.

"Nothing." 

"I know you're lying but your session is in five minutes so I'm going to take you down there."

Chuck stepped out of the room, closing the door behind him. He saw Nate still in the hallway, he was looking at him solemnly.

Chuck glanced at him for only a second then followed the nurse in the opposite direction.


	10. Chapter 10

_Chuck tapped his fingers on the wooden arms of the chair he sat in. He sat in the doctor's office, listening to him ask a wide variety of questions. This was the last place he wanted to be._

_This was his third session now. They were extremely pointless. They had gotten no where. He always asked the same questions. __Why did you try to kill yourself? What was wrong in your life? Tell me about yourself…_

The doctor would scribble down Chuck's reaction to everything he asked him, probably making sure he had every detail.

"How's your school work going?" The doctor always started with small talk.

Lily had been bringing him work from school that his teachers assigned so he wouldn't fall to far behind. He never really had anything to do so he had started doing it.

"Fine."

"Good. What's your favorite subject?"

"Physics," Chuck rose his hand to his chin and stroked it with his thumb and pointer finger like he was contemplating something, "Or maybe art."

"Are you good at those subjects?"

"Please, I'm Chuck Bass. I'm good at everything."

"Right…" He wrote something down, this always annoyed Chuck.

"So, tell me about your childhood." Dr. Sherman crossed his legs and waited intently on his answer.

"It was great. I think I was the happiest kid ever."

Of course the doctor already knew everything about him, he just wanted it to come out of Chuck's own mouth, "Really? Tell me about it."

"Okay, fine. My childhood sucked. I never had a mother. My father hated me. I have no family. That's the story of my life." He retorted, bitterly.

"And that's the story of your life? Aren't you forgetting some things? Friends? School?" The doctor pressed him to answer more fully.

"School? I never tried in school. I don't see the point. And friends? Well, I only ever had one friend and he turned out to be pretty shitty."

"Nate Archibald?"

"No, Dan Humphrey." 

"Right. I know you're trying to turn this into a joke, Chuck, but this is serious."

Chuck just nodded.

"I know you had a horrible childhood and your life has never been really great, but I just want to get your point of view. Try to understand you."

"You want to understand me? Well, if you know so much about me you should already understand. My mom died giving birth to me. My father never told me he loved me because he hated me for it. I fell in love with my best friend's girlfriend. She didn't love me back because she went back to my best friend. My dad died. My uncle ruined the last good thing I had in my life. Now I have nothing. Do you understand now?" 

"Yeah, you try to shut people out because you've been hurt to much. You're scared of people seeing the real you, fearing they'll be disappointed. But on the inside you're just a frightened boy."

"A frightened boy? I don't think so. Do I look like a boy to you?"

"I didn't say you looked like one, I said deep down, at heart, you are one. You want to be loved."

"This is ridiculous." Chuck crossed his arms over his torso.

"You know it's true. You need to admit these things about yourself. It's one step closer to becoming a better person."

"I don't think I need to become a better person. I totally love myself."

"You do? Because from what I can tell, you don't."

"Please." He scoffed.

"You want to change. For this girl you're in love with. You can't have her if you don't change."

"Screw you."

"I'm not trying to make you angry, Chuck. I'm trying to help you."

"Well you're not helping me! You don't think I know all this stuff already?!" He raised from his seat, growing angry.

"Please, sit down."

"Why should I?" He kept standing.

"Please, sit. Tell me about this girl."

"No! It's none of your business."

"Do you really think that you can't be loved? Just because your father neglected to tell you he loved you, doesn't mean everybody else is incapable of loving you." 

"I told you it's none of your fucking business!"

"Did you try to kill yourself…because of this girl?" Dr. Sherman hoped that by breaking Chuck down, he would finally open up.

"Stop acting like you know me! You don't know anything about me!" Chuck screamed in his face. He couldn't take him assuming everything about him. It only drove him crazy because the doctor was getting everything right.

He turned and in a quick pace left Dr. Sherman's spacious office.

"Hello?" Blair wiped away the few tears that had started falling from her eyes.

"Hey, Blair. It's Eric."

"Oh hey…how's it going." She hadn't talked to him for awhile.

"Fine. But Blair, I really need to tell you something. Because I think you deserve to know." He didn't save any time for small talk before jumping into exactly what he needed to say.

"What?" She was suddenly concerned.

"It's about Chuck."

"What? Chuck? Is he okay?" She pushed the phone closer to her ear as if it would make the answer come faster.

"Yeah he's fine. He's at the Ostroff Center," Eric told her even though she already knew, "It's just Serena has something that I think you should see."

"What? Serena?"

"Yes. And I think you need to see it."

"See what?" He was being very vague about the information.

"…Chuck's suicide note."

"What? Chuck wrote a note?" Blair climbed off her bed and scurried to find something remotely descent to wear. She didn't care much about what it was so she grabbed the first thing in her closet and pulled flats onto her feet.

"Yes…I don't want to say anything because I think you should just read it for yourself."

"Where is she?"

"At home."

"I'll be there in a few minutes." She hung up the phone and put it into her purse that she had hung on her arm.

She stood in front of the mirror in her room, her eyes were pink and her lips looked swollen, almost set in a permanent pout. Anyone who wasn't blind could see she'd been crying for a long time. She really hadn't stopped crying for a week and a half straight. She refused to be around anyone for an extended period of time because she could almost never go an hour without having tear drops trickle down her face, then she would start full-out bawling.

She tried to find a way to put her messy hair. Pulled up and tight drew more attention to her eyes, but loose made her look like she hadn't bothered to take a shower for a month. Finally she decided on putting it into a loose bun. She still looked awful, she thought, but it was better than before. 

Blair left for the Van der Woodsen penthouse in a town car. Luckily, it wasn't to far. When she had nothing to do for long moments she had no choice but to think about Chuck. And what he was doing. And when she would go see him again. And if she would even be allowed to see him.

She desperately wanted to know how he was doing at the Ostroff Center. It was driving her crazy, not seeing him. She wanted nothing more but to see him. Maybe just to touch him for a moment…just to make sure he wasn't her imagination, since she had endless dreams about him. 

The car pulled up to the curb in front of the Palace and she quickly stepped out and rushed up to the top floor.

The penthouse was completely quiet, but Eric had told her Serena was home, so she scurried towards her room.

The door to her room was open, but she wasn't in there. Blair entered anyways. She snooped around, looking for any place where Chuck's note may be. She flipped through book pages, shuffled through drawers, she even looked through pockets in some of the clothes that were visible to her.

"Blair! What are you doing?" Serena stepped into her room slowly, shocked to find her best friend looking through everything.

"Where is it, Serena?! Eric told me you have it and I want to see it!" She strutted towards her threateningly.

"Calm down! What are you talking about?"

"The note! Where is it?!"

"Blair," She paused being cautious of her words because Blair was upset, "I don't think you should read it."

"I don't care what you think! Give it to me!" She moved closer to her.

Serena sighed and moved to her vanity. She knew Blair wasn't going to give up, even if it meant physical violence. She opened her jewelry box and pulled out the folded note. It was much more crumpled than when Eric had given it to her. Serena had memorized every word of it.

She slowly held it out to Blair and she took gradually. She stared at it for a long while. She felt her fingers across the bloody prints that still remained on it. Unfolding the paper like it was a delicate artifact, she opened it. Read the words, _Blair-I love you. Always have. I'm sorry I never told you. It's one of my biggest regrets. But I've realized I can't have you. And I can't take it anymore.-Chuck. _Tears filled her eyes, and there was no way possible to stop them from flowing out. 

"Why didn't you give this to me?" She asked, sobbing, the paper shook in her hands.

"I was protecting you. And Chuck."

"What?" She managed to get out and looked back down at the paper. Reading the words over and over. She hadn't guessed he had done this because of her. She felt awful. He had been mad about Nate and her, but she was unaware he was so upset he had hurt himself. This was the worst thing imaginable. It completely broke her.

"I just knew it was going to hurt you more if I gave it to you. And I knew Chuck wouldn't want you to be seeing this now."

"But he wrote it to me!" Blair put her hand to her throat and tried to get in control of her crying by taking deep breaths.

"I'm sorry." Serena wrapped her arms around Blair and rested her chin on top of her head.

"I need to go see him." She said suddenly.

Serena still held her, "It's okay." She made a shushing noise trying to comfort her.

"No, no. I need to go see him." She was now frantic and struggled out of her tall friend's grasp.

She ran from Serena's room and out of the penthouse.

He stood in front of the mirror, _again. _Looking at himself, thinking of what his doctor had said.

"_I know you had a horrible childhood and your life has never been really great,"_

"_you try to shut people out because you've been hurt to much."_

"_You're scared of people seeing the real you, fearing they'll be disappointed."_

"_But on the inside you're just a frightened boy."_

"_Just because your father neglected to tell you he loved you, doesn't mean everybody else is incapable of loving you." _

Thoughts of Blair slipped through his mind and totally pushed out what he was remembering of the encounter with Dr. Sherman.

"_Whatever you're going through, I want to be there for you."_

"_I will stand by you through anything."_

"_Don't you understand? I'll always be here."_

"_So whatever you want to do to yourself, please don't do that to me."_

"_Because I love you."_

He could hear every word she'd ever said. Some hurtful. Some sweet. Her voice echoed in his head.

He saw her smile. Her frown. Her pout. Her lips part, as she kissed him.

Chuck had to stop thinking of her. Anything to get the images and voices out of his brain. 

He looked down at his wrists. Bandaged.

He slowly took the white gauze and unwrapped his left wrist.

Pain. Pain had made him stop thinking of her before. He couldn't remember a moment when he had been in pain where Blair had crossed his mind.

His cut was less pinkish, less puffy. But dark stitches were still holding the torn skin together. 

It was like having a headache that won't go away. You've done everything you could and it just wont go away. But if you happened to hit your hand with a hammer or nail went through you're finger…you wouldn't even think about your headache anymore. You would be too wrapped up in your seemingly broken hand.

Chuck ran his finger tips along the stitches. Each stitch wasn't spaced too close together, but they also weren't spaced to far apart that there were wholes in his wrist.

He gripped his thumb and index finger around one of the looped stitched. To get a better hold on it he had to grasp it with his fingernails. And yanked as hard as he could. 

The first time it didn't rip through his skin so he tried it again and again. Finally he pulled the stitch out. Tearing a bit of his wrist so it was jagged. Blood starting dripping down his arm. It hurt just as much as he thought it would, not as much as when he'd sliced his wrist open with the glass, but still. It was painful. He ripped another stitch through his skin. And another. Before he could move to the next one he started shaking and couldn't hold still long enough to get a grasp on it. There was a fair amount of blood coming from the wound now, but it wasn't flowing out like the first time. 

Chuck stood there shaking, staring at his arm, watching the blood. He hadn't noticed, but tears were clouding his vision.

He was so focused on the pain he was feeling, he didn't hear the door of his room open and close.

"Oh my god, Chuck!" Blair was standing before him, hand over her mouth.

He guessed his plan hadn't worked, because he still saw her and heard her.

She picked up the gauze from the floor and started wrapping it hastily around his bleeding wrist. Chuck didn't move, except for the shaking. He didn't look at her or say anything.

She wrapped the bandage as tightly as she could. He still didn't stop shaking, he just stared at his wrist with teary eyes. Blair brought her arms around him and linked her hands together behind his back. 

She squeezed him tightly. Attempting to get the shaking to stop. 

She set her head against his chest, "It's okay. It's okay…" Reassuring him over and over.

They stood in his bathroom for at least fifteen minutes. Blair squeezed him as hard as she could, hoping that would help him relax.

If it wasn't for the constant trembling, Chuck would've seemed dead. Eyes wide. No words. Barely breathing.

When he was barely shaking anymore, Blair guided him out of the bathroom and lead him to the bed. She helped him lay down and put the blankets over him. She then walked over to the other side of the bed and climbed under the covers with him.

Chuck's eyes were lazy and his body was limp. Blair scooted towards him so she was only an inch from his face. She stroked his cheek. Even lying there, she thought, he was the most handsome man she'd ever seen. He was perfect.

She stared into his eyes and caressed his cheek until he slowly closed his eyes, like he was falling asleep. 

He finally seemed peaceful. Blair slowly took the covers off her and started sliding off the bed.

Before she climbed all the way off Chuck grabbed her arm, "Please…stay." He looked at her longingly.

"I'm not leaving. I'm just going to turn off the light, okay?" 

He let go of her arm and she flipped off the switch by the door. 

Blair quickly got back in the bed and under the sheets and blankets. She went back to stroking his cheek until he fell asleep.

When she was sure he wouldn't wake up, she snuggled close to him, wrapping her arms around his neck, and resting her head underneath his chin.


	11. Chapter 11

Laying there, with him, Blair thought everything might end up working out. Maybe he'd forgive her after this. Maybe he'd let her be there for him like she wanted to.

But she was just dreaming.

She knew when Chuck woke up everything would go back to how it was. Him hating her. So she wanted to stay like this, wrapped around him, for as long as possible. Because she knew it would be over in a flash.

All this pain he was going through was her fault. She knew it now and couldn't stand it. She wished he would let her fix everything. Fix him.

She looked down at his wrist and saw some blood had started to seep through the bandage. She didn't know what to do so she just snuggled closer to him. It just amazed and confused her that he had done this to himself. Blair never thought in a million years that he could be in so much pain because of her.

She lied there for hours, watching him sleep. This was the first time, since she had found out about his attempted suicide, that she felt at peace. Like she could finally rest. But she wouldn't fall asleep. She didn't want this moment to pass quicker. She wanted to remember every second.

Chuck would shift in his sleep ever so slightly. He had wrapped his arm around Blair's waist tightly, like he was making sure she didn't leave. But she wasn't going anywhere.

His face was pale and his mouth was hung open a bit. She wondered if he was dreaming. Who knew. She had never seen him look so at ease, even when he was sleeping. He usually looked stiff and concerned except for when he was trying to get into a girl's pants. Then he looked cool and seductive. Blair smiled a little, remembering all of the things he had ever said to her, trying to get her interested in him. She couldn't remember ever seeing his real smile. Maybe when they were kids, but that was a long time ago.

She thought it was strange that it had taken her around seventeen years for her to realize that Chuck was the one she wanted to be with. Not Nate. But she was with Nate now so it she guessed it didn't really matter if she wanted to be with Chuck. But he had always been there and she never realized it. She wished she had discovered the love she had for him sooner. It would've been different if it was sooner.

Blair didn't know how long they had been like that now. She wasn't keeping track of time.

The door slowly creaked open, "Miss?" A woman whispered.

Blair tried to turn her head as best she could towards the lady but it was hard because of Chuck's hold on her and her arms around his neck.

"Excuse me, miss, but visiting hours are over." She kept her whisper seeing that Chuck was sleeping.

"But I'm-I'm his-I'm his sister." She stuttered trying to think of something. She wanted to stay longer and knew they would only let family be there after visiting hours.

"Really? I didn't know Mr. Bass had any other sisters besides Serena Van der Woodsen." The woman came further into the room.

Blair mentally kicked herself. Of course they'd know Chuck didn't have any real sisters. They probably knew everything about him. "Okay I'm not his sister. I'm his…girlfriend." She hoped the lady would believe her. She wished that statement was true. She had wanted for a long time to be able to call herself Chuck Bass's girlfriend.

"I'm sorry, but you're not family so you can't stay."

"Please, I haven't seen him in a really long time." She looked at the woman then back at Chuck, he was still asleep.

"Then you can come back in the morning."

The problem was she didn't know if Chuck would want to see her in the morning. He was like that when he was going through something tough. One moment he would be crying in her arms and the next he would be leaving her and skipping town. But this time he wouldn't be leaving town. He would just refuse to see her. "Yeah. Okay. I'll come back…in the morning."

Blair didn't know when she would see him again, but had a feeling it wouldn't be soon. She stroked his cheek again and ran her fingers through his soft hair. And planted her lips on his cheek. He still didn't wake up. She tried to take his arm from her waist as carefully as possible. He grumbled and moved into a different position so he was laying on his back now instead of his side. Finally his arm was off and she wriggled the rest of the way out of the covers and off the bed.

"Can I just leave him a note really quick, so he'll know why I left?" She was standing close the woman now, who she assumed was a nurse.

"Yes, of course." The nurse then exited the room.

She wrote some words down on a piece of paper she had found in the drawer on one of the bedside tables. She wasn't sure what to say so she tried as best as she could.

She walked over and set the paper on the table at the side where he was laying. She bent down and kissed his cheek softly one more time then slowly left the room, still not wanting to leave him.

Chuck squinted his eyes open. He didn't remember falling asleep or even getting in bed. By trying to sit up he put pressure on his arm. The pain made him wince and take it off the bed immediately.

Now he remembered.

He'd been stupid enough to think that putting himself in pain again would make the thoughts of her stop. But it didn't. Instead it made them worse. Blair had actually come.

He held his left wrist in his right hand. There was a large blood stain on the gauze wrapped around it. It hurt like hell, but he tried to ignore it.

Where the hell was Blair? He asked himself.

He looked around the room quickly. She wasn't there anymore. It almost seemed as if he had dreamt her there. Just a figment of his imagination. But a piece of paper caught his eye on the table beside him. He quickly reached for it.

_Chuck,_

_Sorry I couldn't stay. I really wanted to, but they told me visiting hours were over. I'm going to come back in the morning. I hope you will see me._

_Please get your wrist stitched up again. I'm sorry for everything._

_See you soon._

_Love,_

_Blair_

So he hadn't imagined it. She had really come. She had really seen him in pain like that and held him in her arms.

And she was coming back. This is just fucking fantastic, Chuck cursed himself.

Blair paced around her kitchen. It was 8:15...in the morning. She was going to the Ostroff Center again, soon. She said she would come back in the morning.

She felt like she should bring him something. Like food. He probably hadn't had good food in awhile. Cookies? No, Chuck wasn't the type of guy you brought cookies to. Cake? No, pretty much the same as cookies. Sandwiches? No, it was still morning. She doubted he would want sandwiches. What he would want was scotch and cigarettes. But she couldn't bring him _that._

She continued to walk around the kitchen nervously. She was extremely anxious to see Chuck again. She hoped they could talk this time. But if he didn't want to that was fine with her. She just wanted to see him.

"Blair? Are you here?"

Nate! Why was he here? "Yeah! I'm in the kitchen!" She called back to him.

She tried to stop her pacing and stand still at the island in the center of the room.

Nate walked in and kissed her on the forehead, "Hey."

"Hey, what's up? Why are you here?" She asked trying her best not to sound defensive.

"Can't I just come to see you?" He stroked her hair a little bit.

"Yeah. I just wasn't expecting you." She didn't look directly at him.

"So do you want to do something today?"

"Umm…" Blair hesitated, "I'm actually busy today."

"Why? What are you doing?"

"I'm going to see Chuck."

"What? Blair, c'mon, do you really think he's gonna want to see you?" He looked at her in a pitying way.

"It doesn't matter! I'm going to see him." She snapped at him.

"Okay, I just think it will be a mistake."

"Why?"

"Well I went to see him a few days ago and he wasn't to pleased about it."

"What?! You went to see him and you didn't tell me?"

"Yeah, and like I said, he wasn't happy to see his best friend so why would he be happy to see you?"

"Because he loves me." She said almost smugly. She wanted to put him in his place for talking to her like that.

"Really? Since when?" Nate crossed his arms over his chest.

"For a long time!" Why was he being rude to her like this? She asked herself.

"And how do you know this?"

Blair wanted to scream at Nate and tell him because he had tried to kill himself because he couldn't have her, but she didn't. She also wanted to tell him about his suicide note and how he had said I love you in it, but she didn't think Nate dissevered to read it so she didn't mention it. "Because. I just know." This time it wasn't smug, more like hurt.

He sighed, "I just don't think you should go see him."

"Well too bad!"

"God, Blair, what's wrong with you?"

"What's wrong with you, _Nate?"_ Blair asked rudely. She was mad, he didn't need to talk to her like that. Or ask all the questions about Chuck loving her. She knew he loved her. She just knew it.

"What are you talking about? You're the one acting strange." Nate defended himself.

"I don't have time for this. I need to get ready." She turned her back to him.

"Fine. I'll talk to you later."

"Fine."

And with that he disappeared from her penthouse.

Blair was now irritated and wanted to see Chuck even more. She hurried upstairs to make herself more beautiful than she already was. She wanted to look flawless. Perfect. She hoped it would make her irresistible. Nate was her boyfriend and she wasn't planning on seducing Chuck or anything. She just thought she might be easier to forgive if she was stunningly gorgeous. It was always hard for Chuck to resist her.

She rushed into her room and started fixing her hair more and touching up her make up.

"_We're going to watch _this _**again**__?" Chuck grumbled._

_Serena, Nate, and him were all sitting on Blair's bed waiting for her to join them. This was a regular routine for the sixth graders._

"_Yes, Chuck! Breakfast at Tiffany's is my favorite movie! And I hope you never forget it!" She stopped putting the movie in and turned to look at him._

"_Oh, I won't 'cause I know every single line of the whole damn movie!"_

"_Well, if you have a problem with it you can leave."_

"_Fine, I will." Chuck jumped off her bed and started for the door. He was much shorter then, the same height as Blair._

"_Chuck, man, don't leave." Nate said to him._

"_Blair!" Serena whispered to her._

"_What? He can leave if he wants." Blair looked at Serena then at Chuck._

"_Yeah, Nate. She's right. I can. I have much more interesting things to do." Chuck glared at her._

"_Or girls." She put her hands on her hips and glared back at him._

_Even when they were young they were each other's best opponents. _

"_Nice one." He said sarcastically and left her room._

"_Blair!" Serena yelled at her._

"_What?!"_

"_Come on, Blair. Lighten up." Nate said._

"_Excuse me?"_

"_You didn't have to get so mad at him." He told her._

"_Yeah, go after him." Serena chimed in again._

"_Ugh. You guys are annoying." They just stared back at her trying to make her feel guilty. She didn't feel the least bit guilty, but she wanted to please her boyfriend. "Fine! My god!" She stormed out of her room and down the stairs. Chuck was already at the elevator. _

"_Wait, Chuck. Don't go." But she didn't sound like she really meant it._

"_Oh don't sound to disappointed that I'm leaving, Blair, or Nathaniel might start to think you have a thing for me."_

"_You're an ass."_

"_This isn't breaking news to me."_

"_Well are you going to come back upstairs or not?"_

"_No, I don't want to get in the way of what the precious princess wants. And you don't want me to come up." _

"_I'm the precious princess?"_

"_Who else would I be talking about?"_

"_Whatever, I do want you to come back up so come on."_

"_And why would you want that?"_

"'_Cause Nate wants you to come back." Blair played with her long brown hair, looking like she didn't care about Chuck at all._

"_Well you're all about making sure he's happy aren't you?"_

"_Why are you so mad?" Blair didn't understand why he was in such a pissy mood. Possibly on his period, she laughed to herself._

"_I'm not mad! Just…tell Nate I'll see him tomorrow or whatever, okay?" Chuck pressed the button to call the elevator. _

"_Fine. But they're gonna be mad at me."_

"_What? Why?" He had a confused look on his face._

"_Because I didn't get you to come back." She started pouting._

"_Umm, well…I just feel like going home. Tell them I wasn't mad at you or anything." The pout was getting to him, she could tell._

"_Please come back up stairs, Chuck. We don't have to watch Breakfast at Tiffany's. We can watch what you want."_

"_I'm not that fond of movies anyways, and you're kinda freaking me out." He looked at her strangely._

"_Why?" She suddenly got offended._

"_Because you're never nice to me." They had been friends forever, but they never were the type of friends that were nice to each other._

"_Please, that wasn't being nice. That was just trying to get you to come back upstairs. If I was being nice I would've complemented you on your disgusting hair or something."_

"_Oh, thanks."_

"_Ugh. Just come on!" Blair grabbed his arm and pulled him all the way up the stairs._

She sort of smiled at the memory, they were always a bit dramatic when they were younger. But the still were, weren't they?

She looked at herself one last time in the mirror. She was satisfied by her appearance and skipped out of her room and down the stairs. She contemplated bringing him something again, but decided it would be best of she didn't. Then she left the penthouse in a hurry, she wanted to get there as soon as possible so she didn't want to call a town car and wait. Instead she just caught a cab.

The whole ride there she nervously fidgeted with her dress.

Chuck sat, bored, in one of the chairs that was by the window that showed into the hallway. The blinds were almost closed, though, so he couldn't see out. It was almost 9:00 and he was surprised Blair wasn't here yet. He had decided that the least he could do was talk to her for a few minutes, then she could leave, satisfied that she got to see him. And that would be it, he assured himself.

There was a light knock at the door and he perked his head up. Before he had a chance to say anything or open it, Blair opened and closed the door.

He gulped.

She was blindingly beautiful.

He didn't remember her looking that good last night! But he had been a little out of it.

"Hey…" She said softly and stepped towards him.

"Hey." He stood up from the chair.

Chuck stared at her face a minute. He hadn't seen her for awhile, apart from last night. And, again, last night he was kind of out of it. Her brown hair hung down in soft curls and stopped right above her breasts. God, her breasts, he thought. He tried not to stare for very long.

They stood there, awkwardly for a minute, then Blair rushed over to him and threw her arms around him. He didn't move for a second, because she took him by surprise, then he wrapped his arms around the petite girl. He could feel every part of her body pressed up against him. Her smell was driving him mad.

She lifted up her head and looked into his eyes. He stared back at her. He wanted to know what she was thinking. Her eyes were the same dark brown. He had missed them. He moved his eyes quickly, trying to read her face. Figure out what she was doing.

Then Blair grabbed onto his hair and pulled his head down and put her lips onto his. Almost involuntarily, Chuck slipped his tongue into her mouth. He couldn't help but kiss her back. She stood up on the tips of her toes so she could get a better angle and tried to get her tongue further in his mouth. She gripped his hair tightly, but he couldn't notice over the pain of his wrist. But he didn't even notice that. He was focused on her. He grabbed her hips and thrust her closer to him violently. Her hands moved down to his neck. Her hands were incredibly soft, most likely from dozens of lotion applications a day. She unbuttoned the top of his shirt and slid her hands under it. Feeling his shoulders, he bit her bottom lip. Then she ran the tips of her finger over his chest, feeling the hair on it.

Chuck wanted nothing more than to throw her on the bed and take all her clothes off and that's what Blair wanted too, but he had to stop. He pulled his lips away from hers, but she started kissing his neck and jaw. He closed his eyes and they basically rolled into the back of his head. Her tongue on his skin made his mind go blank. He wanted her so bad.

But he had to focus. Focus, Chuck, focus. He told himself.

"Stop, Blair." He grabbed her by the shoulders and yanked her off, "Stop."

"What?" She was confused and kind of hurt.

"Are you still with Nate?" It was less of a question and more of an accusation.

"Yes." She hung her head and looked at the floor then looked back up at him. She wished she had lied and said no because of the angry expression on Chuck's face.

"Then leave." He pointed towards the door. He couldn't believe she had come in here, kissed him, and was still with Nate.

"No, Chuck, please. I'm sorry." She pleaded and put her arms on his shoulders and then put them around his neck.

He turned his head towards the window so he wasn't looking at her. "You're such a slut." He heard his voice crack.

"You're just saying that 'cause you're mad, you don't really mean it." She grew even more hurt.

"But it still hurts doesn't it?" He still didn't look at her.

"Why won't you just forgive me?" She knew that was a dumb question. He wouldn't forgive her because she had hurt him to badly, she knew that.

"Because you're with Nate and he doesn't even care about you!" He took her arms from around his neck and shoved her away lightly.

"If he doesn't care about me, then why did we get back together?!" She didn't know why she was yelling at him, she wanted him to forgive her. She shouldn't be yelling.

"Because he always has to have a girlfriend! Always! He's had a girlfriend his whole life! He probably broke up with Vanessa and you were his last resort."

Blair quickly smacked him across the face, "I was not his last resort." She said.

"Fine. Whatever helps you sleep at night."

"I sleep just fine!" It was a lie, she barley slept at all these days.

"Oh, that's right, I forgot you were heartless."

"I'm heartless?! What about you?!" She wanted to smack him again.

"Just leave, Blair." He gritted his teeth.

"Get your wrist stitched back up." She demanded not in a sweet manner and turned towards the door.

"No." He said back as she reached for the doorknob.

"Fine. I'll just tell one of the nurses then." She opened the door.

"Fuck you."

"You'll only dream of fucking me now." Then Blair slammed the door shut.

Chuck didn't have to look through the window to know she had walked up to one of the nurses and told them what he had done to his wrist.

He wanted to break something. Hurt someone. Smash Nathaniel's face in with mallet and make Blair watch.

He sat down on the bed forcefully. He wanted to scream so loud. But all he could work up the energy to do was pick up a pillow and throw it at the wall.

Blair sobbed in the cab as it took her home. Her hand was shaking as she reached into her purse and pulled out her cell phone. She tried to catch breaths through the sobs as she dialed some numbers slowly. She put the phone up to her ear and listened to three rings before the phone on the other end was answered.

"Hello?"

"Nate? Can you meet me at my house?" The tears were rolling down her neck.

"Blair? Are you okay?" Nate's voice became concerned.

"Can you come to my house?" She didn't answer his question, she just wanted him to answer hers.

"Yeah. Of course. I'll be there as soon as I can."

Without saying another word or goodbye, Blair hung up the phone and slid it back into her purse.


	12. Chapter 12

"What happened? Come on, tell me." Nate held Blair in his arms and she cried into his shoulder. They had been sitting on her bed for about twenty minutes now.

She wanted to stop crying. She didn't want him to think anything had happened between her and Chuck, but she was too heartbroken.

"Nothing happened." She lifted her head up and sniffled.

"You really expect me to believe you? You're bawling your eyes out! What did he say to you?" He shook her shoulders like trying to shake the answers out of her.

"No, it wasn't him. He didn't do anything." She surprisingly wasn't mad at Chuck for anything he'd yelled at her. It had hurt her a lot, but she was just mad at herself. For kissing him and then telling the truth about still being with Nate. He would've forgave her if she said no!

"Why are you defending him after he made you cry like this?"

She was defending him because she loved him. No matter what he said to her or how hard he made her cry, she was always going to love him. She wasn't going to blame him. Not after everything she put him through. This morning had probably just made it harder for him. She had a feeling of guilt in the pit of her stomach.

"Because it's not his fault." She wiped the tears that were still running down her face.

"Blair," He paused looking at her sadly, "It is his fault."

"You don't even know what you're talking about. You weren't there."

"I know, so why don't you explain it to me." Nate cupped her face in his hands.

She hesitated, picking out the parts she shouldn't tell him. "He called me a slut. He said I was your last resort. That you didn't really care about me. Then he said fuck you right before I left."

"What? Of course I care about you." He hugged her. She didn't feel any better in his arms. All she could think of was Chuck.

She knew she had picked out the parts of their conversation that would seem like she was crying over what he had said about Nate. She did it on purpose.

She wanted to stop thinking of Chuck.

Blair pulled out of Nate's embrace and kissed him. He looked at her confused, but she just kissed him again and again. All she could think of were Chuck's lips.

She pushed him so he was laying down on her bed and climbed on top of him.

Stop thinking about him! She yelled at her brain.

While unbuttoning Nate's shirt to reveal his chest, all she could think of was Chuck's chest. His chest was way better. She tried to knock that thought from her brain.

Nate still seemed confused, but he started to go along with it. He began taking off the blouse she wore then she took off her skirt herself. His hands clumsily fiddled with her bra clasp.

Ugh. This never happened to Chuck. She wanted to smack herself for thinking that. You're with your boyfriend, _Nate,_ now Blair. She told herself. And you are about to have sex with him, so stop thinking about god damn Chuck!

But she didn't. She thought about him the whole time they did it. She pictured being with him instead of Nate. If she would have lied about being with Nate it could be Chuck under her right now. Or on top of her. It didn't matter. It would have been much more enjoyable. She felt sick for thinking that. But it was the truth.

Blair lied on the bed now turned away from Nate, unsatisfied. He couldn't even compare to Chuck. Chuck could touch her like no one else could.

She was fighting back tears. She wanted Chuck. But Nate couldn't see her crying, not after what they just did. What would he think?

"Hey," He kissed the back of her neck, "You okay?"

She took a deep breath then turned over to smile at him, "Yeah, I'm fine. Why?"

"Just making sure. That was a little spontaneous." He kissed her lips lightly.

It was only spontaneous to Nate because he was boring. Chuck would've found it completely ordinary, maybe even a little dull.

Blair didn't say anything to him, her mind was other places.

"Don't go see him again." He suddenly said to her. She was taken by surprise.

"What?" She asked shocked.

"I said, don't go see him again." Nate said sternly.

"I don't understand. I can go see him if I want to."

"I just don't want you to get hurt again." He touched her hair and face.

"Like I said it wasn't his fault." She didn't say it rudely, just like she was reminding him.

"Why do you love him?" Nate asked curiously.

Blair was blind sided by the question. She hadn't seen it coming. He had completely changed the subject. Or maybe not. Maybe that was where he was going with the whole not seeing Chuck part.

She didn't know how to answer him. She didn't want to talk about why she loved Chuck with Nate. Especially when they were both naked in bed.

She managed a fake laugh, "That's an odd question." Blair climbed off the bed and started putting her clothes back on.

"I just want to know why." He sat up in the bed.

"How do you know I love him, anyways?" She barely glanced at him while she pulled up her skirt. Not making eye contact was probably best.

"It's obvious, Blair. You haven't stopped crying since you found out what he did to himself. Your always begging to see him. You defend him after he calls you a slut."

"Well maybe I'm just a concerned friend, ever think of that? You haven't seemed very sad since his accident." She was referring to it as an accident now? Blair asked herself. Could she really not take that she had practically done this to Chuck herself?

"Maybe because I just thinks it's stupid that he did this. He really couldn't have been that depressed."

She was furious that he would say that. Nate was supposed to be his best friend!

"You don't even know why he did it!" She screamed at him.

"And you do?!" He was also growing angry. He was still in the bed unclothed, though.

"Yes!"

"Then why don't you tell me?!"

She stopped, she didn't want to tell Nate about this. "Just forget it."

He sighed, "Blair," He reached his hand out to her.

"Maybe you should just go."

"What?" He had become confused.

"Please, just leave. I want to be alone for a little while."

Nate climbed out of the bed and put his clothes back on. He leaned to her and kissed her forehead, "You know you never answered my question, about why you love him."

He looked into her eyes and when she didn't answer he began to walk out of her room.

"Once I know, I'll tell you." Blair said softly, but he still heard it.

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

He sat there looking around the room while the nurse weaved the needle through his wrist. He would look down do see the needle puncture his skin every once in awhile.

Blair had told a nurse just like Chuck knew she would. One of them had come in almost immediately after she left and demanded to see his wrist.

"Okay, Mr. Bass, all stitched up again." She started putting all her things back in her little kit she had.

Chuck grunted and looked at his stitches.

"I'm sure you can take the bandage off your other wrist. You don't really need them anymore."

"Kay, cool." He still just looked at the new stitches.

"Alright, then." And the nurse left his room.

He got up from the chair he was sitting in and walked around his room a little. He needed something to occupy his time with.

Blair was on his mind.

He had almost had her again. Even if it was for a second.

He could still feel her lips. Her tongue on his neck. And her fingers on his chest.

Chuck wanted to know what she had done after she had gone. Probably gone back to Nate. He thought. Of course she had gone back to Nate!

What was it about him? He asked himself. Nate had never loved Blair the way he did. He had cheated on her with her best friend. He was also one of the dullest guys he knew, Chuck thought, even he had been his best friend. Nate never made Blair feel the way he made her feel. But she always went back to him.

But he knew it was because Nate was the good guy to her. He was the one Blair thought would have a future with her. That would marry her. Have kids. And live happily ever after.

Chuck wanted to barf thinking about Blair marrying Nate…and having his kids. It disgusted him.

Suddenly his door burst open and he turned around quickly.

"C'mon, let's go. We're taking you out." Serena told him, she picked up his coat from the chair by the door and threw it at him.

Eric just stood in the doorway, not saying anything, he hung his head down.

"May I ask where we're going?" Chuck held his coat in his hands.

"I don't know! We're just taking you somewhere! Or would you like to stay here?" She put her hand on her hip and looked at him inquisitively.

"Lets go." He threw on his coat and headed for the door.

"That's what I thought." Serena exited the room first.

Chuck put his hand on Eric's shoulder and they followed her.

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

The three of them walked side by side on the sidewalk. They had stopped for hot dogs at a stand a couple blocks back.

Chuck wasn't used to eating hot dogs…he couldn't remember eating one since he was a little kid. But he just went along with it, to please his step-siblings. They had rescued him from that god awful place.

Eric and Serena had been joking around, trying to make it not so awkward. But now they were walking in silence, eating.

"So, Chuck, how do you like it…there?" Eric asked him.

"Probably just as much as you did." He turned to look at the younger boy.

He just nodded back.

After a few moments of silence, Serena slowly started up a conversation, "Umm, so Chuck. There's kinda something Eric and I wanted to tell you."

"What?" Chuck threw what was left of his hot dog in a trashcan they passed by.

"Well, I called Blair and kind of told her about your note…" Eric looked at him, a little scared.

"My note? You mean my note, my note?" There really was no other note they could be talking about, but Chuck was surprised Eric had done that.

"And Blair came to me and forced me to give it to her." Serena also seemed a bit frightened.

"So she's read it." Eric added.

Chuck was silent for a moment, thinking over what had happened between him and Blair, "When did she see it?"

"Yesterday." The said in unison.

"Yesterday?" That was why she had come to see him yesterday, when she found him in the bathroom after tearing his stitches, he realized. She hadn't said anything about it so he would have never guessed.

She knew why he had tried to kill himself.

He suddenly felt exposed, like everyone knew his secret. Chuck didn't want everyone to know he was so pathetically in love with Blair Waldorf that he had decided to end his life. It made him seem like a totally depressed love sick teenager who couldn't handle his baggage in life.

"Chuck?" Serena tried to talk to him.

He was staring straight ahead and some people had to move out of his way so they wouldn't run into him because he was being so oblivious.

"Hey! You okay?" Eric waved his hand in front of Chuck's face.

He snapped out of it and looked at them, "Yeah, I'm fine. I don't care if she knows."

"You don't? Because we thought you might." Eric stated. They both stared at him like he might pass out any second.

"Well, I don't." He lied through his teeth. He wasn't sure if they believed him or not. But he guessed not.

He was right.

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Chuck lied awake in bed. It was 12:34. He could almost never fall asleep till the early morning, when he was just too tired to think and stay awake anymore.

He always thought when he was trying to sleep. It was impossible not to. It was quiet and dark, there was nothing to keep his mind from going to thoughts of her…and Nate. But mostly her.

A ringing interrupted his thoughts. The phone? Who the hell was calling at this time? His face naturally went into a confused expression. He turned over in the bed and propped himself on one of his elbows. He felt around for the phone and picked it up.

"Hello?" He said lazily and laid back down.

"Hi. It's me."

He sighed and rubbed the bridge of his nose.

Blair.

**Sorry not much happened. But it was mostly just a filler chapter. Much better stuff to come. **

**And the whole Nate and Blair sex scene sort of, I partially got the idea of that from the song Not Fair by Lily Allen. But only partially because I kind of combined it with Thinking of You by Katy Perry.**


	13. Chapter 13

**Very short chapter. Just filling in between last chapter and the next chapter. I'm kind of losing inspiration for this story…mostly because of all the new gossip girl promos I think. Haha! They're dragging me down a little bit. But I'm definitely going to finish it. Hopefully soon. I'm on rodeo break now (yes we have rodeo break where I live. Tucson, the only city in the whole country that has rodeo break. Says a lot about it doesn't it? Be happy with where you live. Seriously. I'd rather be there). So anyways, maybe I can get really far on it. Hopefully, because I'm looking forward to writing the end ;)…but I kind of have a lot more to write till the end.**

He couldn't believe that she was calling him. What did she want?

"Are you still there?" Blair asked him

"Yeah…I'm here." He replied quietly. Almost a whisper.

After a long pause she said, "I'm sorry."

"For what?" She didn't get to just say sorry and that was it. Not all was forgiven.

"For earlier today. I shouldn't have kissed you."

"So that's it? Your sorry for kissing me? Not anything else?" That wasn't what he wanted her to apologize for.

"I'm sorry for still being with Nate! I'm sorry I was ever with him in the first place!" He thought he heard her start to cry, "I'm sorry, Chuck." She added in a sad voice.

"Well now you know." He said in an uncaring way.

"Know what?"

"Why I did it. Eric and Serena told me you know." He became more serious.

Blair hesitated for a moment, she didn't know how to respond. "This isn't a conversation we should be having over the phone…It should be in person."

"Well you're the one who called me. And I don't feel like seeing you anyways."

"So you don't forgive me?"

"Blair, why did you call?" He sounded annoyed, but he was more sad than that.

"I don't know. I was just hoping that…" Her voice trailed off.

"Hoping what? We'd kiss and make up over the phone?" Chuck asked mockingly.

"Shut up." She said harshly.

Surprisingly, he did. He didn't want to fight with her anymore. He was getting tired of it already.

Neither of them said anything for a couple minutes.

"I broke up with Nate." She hoped this would make him forgive her. It was a lie, but she thought if Chuck forgave her then she would really break up with him.

"Really?" He asked solemnly.

"Yes." He could hear her gulp on the other end of the phone.

He knew Blair was lying.

Chuck squeezed his eyes shut and ran his fingers through his hair with the hand that wasn't holding the phone.

"Can we finish talking some other time? It's late and I'd like to go to sleep." He made up an excuse to end their conversation.

"Oh yeah, of course," She tried to sound happy and understanding about it, but she was really pained and confused by it. She didn't want to stop talking to him. Was he still mad at her? Or did he really want to go to sleep?, "We can just talk another time. Or maybe I can see you again?"

"I don't know, Blair. We can just talk about it later." He sounded lethargic, and to add to the charade he yawned.

"Okay well goodnight." She said as sweetly as possible.

"Goodbye, Blair." He waited to see if she would say anything else before he hung up the phone.

He had said goodbye because he didn't think they would be talking again soon. And he definitely wouldn't be seeing her soon.

There was no way he was falling asleep tonight.


	14. Chapter 14

_2 weeks later_

_Chuck sat in the chair peacefully. Not tapping his fingers. Not shuffling his feet. He had no problem being there, not at that moment at least. He didn't see the point in giving the doctor a hard time anymore. It was boring him. _

_He had been in the Ostroff Center for about three weeks now. It was the middle of March. _

_Last week he had stopped denying all the stuff the doctor had been telling him and decided to accept it. It would get him out of there sooner._

"_Well, Chuck, you have definitely been making progress lately. How does it feel?" The doctor looked intently at him._

"_To tell you the truth I really don't feel that different." He shrugged. It was the truth. He had been accepting all of his problems and talking about them to Dr. Sherman, but he didn't feel any better._

"_Hopefully that will change."_

_Chuck nodded and remained silent._

"_So tell me about your father. We haven't talked about him much." He settled into his chair as if getting ready for a long talk._

_He looked back at his doctor than stared off, thinking of his so-called father._

"_Hey, dad! Do you want to hear me play?" The small five-year-old Chuck bounced on the bench at the large piano in their living room._

"_What, Chuck?" His father didn't even look at him. He was flipping through some papers, but they were apparently more important than his own son._

"_Do you want to listen to me play piano? My teacher says I'm getting rather good." He tapped his small finger on one of the keys and listened to the pinging sound it made and waited for his father to answer him._

_He peeked around the large musical instrument to see the older man, preoccupied and paying no attention to him what so ever._

"_Dad?" He called to him, hoping he would listen for a minute._

_He waited a little while longer, but he was growing impatient, "Dad?"_

"_Chuck! I don't have time for this! I have to go to the office." He scrambled the papers up in a bunch and threw them into a briefcase. _

_The small boy jumped up from the bench and walked over to his father, "But-but…"_

"_I'll be back later." The man brushed him off and walked towards the door in a hurry. Not even bothering to kiss, hug, or say goodbye to his only son._

"_Bye." Chuck meekly said after he left. He climbed back up on the bench and started drumming his fingers on the keys. He was pretty talented for a fiver-year-old, but his dad would never know that. He would never listen to his son play piano, not once before he died._

"He hated me." He said simply, still not looking at he doctor as he remembered his childhood.

"I'm sure that's not true." A sad expression spread across the doctor's face.

Chuck had only told a few people now about his father, but everyone's reaction had been the same. They felt sorry for him. First, Dan. Then Eric. Now, Dr. Sherman.

"Well, he didn't love me." He turned his head sharply to face him.

"And I'm sure that's not true either. Every father loves his son."

"Then he certainly had a funny way of showing it."

"He left you his company, correct?" 

"Yes. Is that supposed to mean something?"

"He left you his legacy. Doesn't _that_ mean something?"

"No, not after seventeen years of rejecting me." 

"He rejected you? Tell me about it." He peered at him, he was glad he had finally got Chuck to start talking about his problems.

"When he wasn't ignoring me, he was pretty much telling me he was ashamed to call me his son."

"And how did that make you feel?"

"Made me feel like shit. But made me angry as hell since he sucked as a father. It's his fault I am the way I am," Chuck paused for a second, "Well at least I hope it is."

"Why?" He appeared confused.

"Because that would mean that I could've been different, I would've been someone else."

"You want to be someone else?"

Chuck shrugged, the conversation was not going in the direction he wanted it to.

"Okay, well tell me about your mother."

"How am I supposed to tell you about her? She's dead. I remember nothing of her." He looked at the doctor like he was stupid.

"Just tell me how you feel about her?"

"….I wish she was still alive. I wish I had gotten to know her…or something." He looked down at his hands.

"You wish you had gotten to know her?" Dr. Sherman wanted him to go into more detail.

"Yes. She was my mother, I kind of want to know what she was like." Chuck had never talked to anyone about this, and he couldn't believe he was telling it to someone he hardly knew.

"Your father never told you about her?"

"Please," He scoffed at him, "The only time my dad ever talked about her was when he told me what happened to her. How I killed her." He put his hand to his chest, pointing to himself.

"You don't really believe that do you?"

"What else am I supposed to believe?"

"It's not your fault." He looked at Chuck seriously.

"Maybe, maybe not."

The doctor didn't want to push Chuck on one subject too much. As soon as he saw that the young man was getting tired of talking about one thing, he would steer their conversation in a different direction. So he could keep him talking.

"Okay, tell me about other stuff in your childhood. Your friends."

He thought of what him and his friends were like when they were younger. When they were in elementary school and junior high they were the closet group of friends. But everything changed when they got to sophomore year in high school. When Nate cheated on Blair with Serena, and she went off to boarding school. Then the next year when Serena came back, Blair and Nate broke up. And he fell in love with her.

Chuck remembered how him and his friends used to be, "I've had the same three friends my whole life…but everything's different now."

"How so?"

"Serena's my step-sister, I don't think she considers us to be friends anymore. Nate is now the most vile person I know. And Blair…" He trailed of, not wanting to finish the sentence.

"Blair, the girl you're in love with. You guys used to be good friends?"

"Yeah." He muttered.

"When did you fall in love with her?"

"Last year."

"You don't seem happy about it."

"Why would I be? I just wish we could go back to when we were all friends. Like before Serena slept with Nate, and we could stay like that."

"Serena slept with Nate?" The doctor tried to understand his friend's complicated lives.

"Yes, they slept together, even though Nate is Blair's boyfriend and Serena is her best friend." It was an old story and Chuck got tired of telling it. "But that was a long time ago."

"But you weren't in love with Blair then?"

"No. We were just friends," He thought of how he felt about her back then, "But I don't know maybe I was."

"Maybe you were? You don't know?"

"No, I really don't. I could've been, I just might not have realized it. There was always something about her."

"Like what?"

"She was always different from the all the other girls. I think she gets me some how. She understands me more than anyone else does. At least I think she does…I understand her."

They continued to talk about Blair for a little while longer and then the doctor asked him a few more questions about his mom and dad.

"Okay, Chuck, this session is over." He closed the notebook he had been writing in and set it on his desk.

"'Kay, cool." Chuck stood up from the chair he sat in across from Dr. Sherman.

"I'll see you tomorrow."

"Yep." He turned to leave the office.

"Chuck?"

"Yeah?" He swung around to face him.

"I wasn't going to tell you this, but I think I should, you deserve it."

"What?"

"Lily and I have agreed you can leave in a few weeks."

Chuck wasn't sure how to answer, he hadn't expected him to give him news like that, "That's…nice." That was all he could think of to say. He didn't know how to express his excitement, he hadn't been looking forward to something so much in his entire life.

Chuck then left Dr. Sherman's office silently and returned to his room. 

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________

1 week later

"Are you okay?" A male nurse asked him.

"Yeah, I'm fine. It doesn't hurt." Chuck told him rudely, he just wanted him to carry on with what he was doing.

Lily had brought him to the hospital to see his doctor and get his stitches taken out. He sat in a chair with his arm and hand resting on a table while the man removed all the stitches. He was supposed to get them taken out sooner, but when he had ripped several of them out it set the date back. Lily stood next to Chuck and had her hand on his shoulder. It really didn't hurt, but everyone was acting like it would.

He watched the nurse cut the stitches then pull them back through his skin. It couldn't have taken more than ten minutes. It would've taken less time if the dumb nurse would stop going in what seemed like fucking slow motion, Chuck thought. 

"Alright, Chuck." 

He looked down at his wrists and saw a line of pink, dry and cracking skin on each one. There were also small holes where the stitches used to be.

The nurse put a large band-aid over each wrist. "You'll need to keep those on for a week or so, just until they heal fully." He told Chuck.

He remained silent and nodded. Lily answered instead, "Okay, thank you very much."

"Your welcome, Ms. Van der Woodsen. You already talked to the doctor, so I don't think there's anything else you guys need to do here."

"Thank you." She smiled politely and grabbed Chucks arm as he stood up from the chair. 

The male nurse began cleaning the table with disinfectant as Lily left the room with Chuck.

"Before we go back to the center, do you want to get some lunch?" She held his arm as they walked through the hospital, then out the door into the spring air.

"Okay." He nodded his head. He was sure that Lily wouldn't ambush him again with Eric, Serena, and the whole Humphrey family.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________

"Eric and Serena really miss you." Lily told him after their food arrived. 

"I'm sure they do." Chuck mumbled, he wasn't sure if he believed her.

They talked about the Ostroff Center and how he was getting out soon and dug into their food.

"You know prom is coming up soon. It's next week actually." She offered a conversation as she picked at her salad.

"That's wonderful." He said sarcastically enthused. 

"I could talk to your doctor to see if you could go."

"Thanks, but no thanks." He moved his fork through his food, he didn't have much of an appetite.

"You don't want to go?" Lily set her fork down and looked at him.

"No." 

"Alright, but maybe you'll change your mind."

"I doubt that." Chuck reached for his glass of water.

"But it's your prom. It'll be fun." 

He shrugged, he didn't want her to bother him about this.

There was a time when he would have no problem going to the prom. Everyone went. It was just something you had to do before you graduated high school. But he knew Blair would be there with Nate. And that was something he didn't want to see.

___________________________________________________________________________________________________

2 days later

"Come on! Aren't you excited?" Serena shook Blair, trying to shake some enthusiasm out of her. "It's the prom! And your going with Nate! Haven't you wanted this like your whole life?"

The two girls were dress shopping and Blair was dragging down the festive mood.

"Yeah, I guess it is." Blair moved her hands over some dresses. None of them were good enough for her.

Serena knew what the problem was. Her best friend was in love with Chuck Bass. And she wasn't going to the prom with him. Blair had dreamed of going to the prom with Nate her whole life, until she fell in love with Chuck. Then Nate wasn't even in her dream anymore. 

She also knew the two of them hadn't spoken in weeks, and Blair was broken over it.

"Blair, I know this is hard for you." She reached for her hand.

"I don't know what your talking about." Blair turned her nose up so she couldn't see her face.

"You can talk to me about it. I'm your best friend remember?" She poked at her teasingly.

"I think this dress would look good on you." She held it up to Serena's body.

She snatched it from Blair's hands, "Okay, how 'bout we make a deal?"

"A deal huh? Your not one for making deals." Blair looked at her, wondering what she was up to.

"I know. It's Chuck's forte, but I think this circumstance calls for it."

"What circumstance?"

"You won't talk to me about Chuck. And your depressed. Not even shopping is cheering you up."

"Whatever. What's the deal?"

"You talk to me about Chuck, and you get to pick out my dress for prom."

"That's kind of a dumb deal." Blair went back to looking through dresses.

"And, if you'll cheer up! I'll try my best to convince Chuck to go." Serena looked at her with one eye brow raised waiting for her reaction.

Blair tried not to show any signs of caring, but she was almost positive her eyes got a little wider, "Your going to convince Chuck to go? To the prom?" Her voice sounded more eager than she wanted it to.

"Yes, but first you have to start talking to me, then you have to cheer up." Serena shoved her shoulder lightly.

"And I get to pick out your dress." Blair smiled.

**Should Chuck go to prom? Or not? I have two scenarios worked out in my head, so it could go either way. But what do you think he should do?**


	15. Chapter 15

**Sorry about the length of it. I could have split it into a couple chapters, but I obviously didn't. I was just to excited about all this stuff! Hope it's not a disappointment ;)**

"So, Lily asked me if it would be okay if you went to the prom." Dr. Sherman told him.

They were just reaching the end of their session and he wanted to talk to Chuck about this before it was over.

"Yeah. And I told her that I wasn't going."

"It is prom. Everyone should experience prom." Obviously he thought it would be good for Chuck to go.

"Well, I'm not going to." He was being very stubborn on the matter.

"Hopefully you'll change your mind. I think you would enjoy it."

"I would enjoy seeing the two people I loathe the most dance around a ballroom in coordinated outfits surrounded by everyone else that I find extremely annoying?" The prom was not something he thought he would enjoy, not anymore.

"Fine, Chuck. I just suggest that you think about it." The doctor told him as Chuck stood up from his chair.

"Oh, I won't." There was no way anyone was going to convince him to go to the prom.

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________

Chuck sat in boredom in his room, he started to peal off the band-aid covering the place where his stitches used to be. He wanted to see what his wound was looking like. The holes were healing quickly and he would have scars soon. He smoothed the band-aid on again.

Right when he was about to get off his bed and pull out some school work, Serena came rushing in.

"Hey!" She threw her bag on the chair by the door and plopped herself down on his bed.

"Hello, _sis._" He said sarcastically and raised an eyebrow at her.

"How's it going?" Serena settled onto the bed, trying to get comfortable.

"Um, fine? What are you doing here?" He was leaning against the bed's headboard and Serena was at the foot of it.

"I just came to see you. See how everything was." She smiled at him.

"Okay."

"So I was wondering if you wanted to come shopping with me." She changed the conversation.

"For what?" He could start to see she had another motive for coming to see him.

"Your tux for prom. I didn't think you would want something traditional and classic, because you usually go for your own style." She moved her eyes around the room so she wouldn't have to see his glare.

"I'm. Not. Going." He told her, thinking maybe being slow and using few words would make her understand and leave him alone.

"Yes, Mom did say you were against going, but I think you should."

Chuck stared blankly her. This was irritating.

Serena smiled again, "You know who really wants you to come?"

"I'm sure I can guess." He looked away.

"Come on! She's come to see you about a dozen times! And she's called you too many times to count!"

"Yeah, I'm well aware of that." He still didn't look in her direction, his head was turned in the direction of the window that lead outside.

She sighed, "She's trying so hard, Chuck. How is she supposed to earn your forgiveness if you won't even talk to her?"

"Who said I was ever going to forgive her?" He finally looked her in the eye.

"You have to. This is breaking her."

"Well now she knows how it feels."

"How it feels?! Think about what it was like for her after you hurt yourself! Think of how it must have been for her for one second! You could've died!" She raised her voice a little more than she wanted to. Serena was just trying to help Blair, she wanted Chuck to forgive her.

He pursed his lips and didn't respond.

"I'm sorry," She didn't mean to yell at him, she just wanted him to listen. "But, Chuck…she blames herself for what you did."

"And what am I supposed to do about that?" He got up from the bed and walked over to the window. It was getting much warmer out and the sky was clear.

"You can forgive her. Talk to her. See her?" She hoped he would see her, it would make Blair much happier.

"I don't know." He shrugged and turned to look at her.

"Please come to prom." She needed to get back to the real task at hand.

"Serena…" He held up his hand wanting her to stop.

"We're seniors, this is our prom. Once in a lifetime opportunity. It's something you shouldn't miss." She offered up more reasons for him to go, "I'll set you up with the hottest girl I can find. I'll search high and low…it'll make Blair crazy jealous." A grin spread across her face.

Chuck raised his eyebrows at her, this wasn't swaying him.

"Or you can go with me? I don't really have a date."

"What haven't gotten back together with Humphrey? I'm surprised, since you guys usually get back together two or three weeks after you break up."

"Don't change the subject. What do you say?"

"I say I'll think about it, if you leave me the hell alone about it."

"Okay, okay…so when do you want to go shopping?"

He glared back at her, "I told you to leave me alone about it. If I do go I can just wear something I already have." He brushed it off like it was no big deal.

"….Chuck Bass wants to wear something old he has…to the prom?" Serena was amazed he would even suggest it.

"I still haven't agreed to going." He told her and walked back to the bed.

"Well just in case! If you don't go, you can save it for another party or something! Let's go!" She hopped up off the bed and pushed him out the door.

"I hate you." He muttered.

"I'm sure you do. Now, come on."

___________________________________________________________________________________________________

Chuck had his calculus book open and was trying to do the large amount of problems that had been assigned. He wondered if it would be any easier if he had actually paid attention in class. He tapped his pencil on his notebook, this was really boring him but he had nothing better to do.

Eric had said he was coming by later to hang out. He never did come around much, but Chuck guessed it was because he hated the Ostroff Center. He couldn't blame him, he hated it too.

He had bought a tux yesterday, when he went out with Serena. It didn't take long to find something. It wasn't as extravagant and unique as most of the clothing he wore, but he didn't really care what it looked like since he still wasn't all for going to that god forsaken prom. He still thought it would be hell. But everyone was pressuring him and he thought he could just go for a little while, like thirty minutes. And stay out of sight then sneak out. No one would even know he was there.

Chuck was staring at the half-way filled piece of paper he was writing on when someone knocked on his door.

He expected it to be Eric, "Come in." He said in a lazy tone.

But Eric wasn't the one who came in, it was Nathaniel Fucking Archibald.

"Umm, what are you doing here?" Chuck said unwelcomingly and moved the textbook and notebook of his lap and stood up from his spot on the bed.

"Blair told me you were thinking of going to prom." Nate looked around his room, examining it.

"Sure, yeah. What's it to you?" He thought Serena certainly spread the word quickly to Blair and she definitely couldn't hide her excitement from Nate.

"I just think it's a bad idea."

"Why?" Chuck said confused. He was annoyed that Nate had come to see him again and was telling him he shouldn't go. He really needed to tell the nurses not to let this prick in anymore.

"Because Blair's already getting her hopes up, she's fucking ecstatic about it, but you're just gonna hurt her again." He was obviously annoyed too.

"Are you jealous, Nathaniel?"

"Why would I be jealous?" He crossed his arms over his chest.

"Because she's more excited about me _possibly_ going to the prom, than she is about going to it with you."

"Well she's not going with you, so it doesn't give me a reason to be jealous."

Nate was one of the most clueless people Chuck had ever met, he always had to explain things too much to him, "You're jealous because she wishes she was going with me!" He walked around the bed so he was standing closer to him.

"You don't know what she wishes! She clearly wants to be with me! Or she wouldn't be, now would she?"

"Well your just second best." He told him frankly, stepping closer.

"If she wanted to be with you, she would be." Nate didn't look directly at him, but he was trying to make it look like he was.

"Oh you sound real convincing. You know the reason we're not together is because I'm mad as hell at her. But if it wasn't for she'd probably be here right now." Chuck was becoming less mad at Blair each day, but he wouldn't tell anyone that. He wanted to stay angry at her, but it was difficult.

Nate didn't know how to respond because he knew it was true. "Just don't come, Chuck! It'll be a mistake!"

"I don't know, I think it will be kind of fun to go. Have Blair be all over me and see you squirm while you watch her bend over backwards for my forgiveness." He told him tauntingly, "And I hope you know what I mean by bend over backwards." He winked and a giant smirk spread over his lips.

"You fucking asshole!" Nate took a step or two forward and pushed Chuck.

Right when he was about to come back at Nate with full force, some nurses rushed in. A few of them pushed Nate away from Chuck, while another few tried to stop Chuck from attacking Nate.

"Okay! Get off me!" Chuck pulled out of the nurses' grips.

"Don't go, Chuck!" Nate said as the nurses were pushing him towards the door. Chuck found it funny how badly he didn't want him to go to the stupid prom.

"Sorry, _Nathaniel!_ Don't want to let Blair down!" He yelled back, mocking him.

He was absolutely, positively, without a doubt going to prom. There was no way he was going to let Nate win.

___________________________________________________________________________________________________

"Would you like to talk about your parents a little more?"

"I wouldn't like to, but I don't really have a choice, do I?" Chuck sat in Dr. Sherman's office for another therapy session. It was the day after his confrontation with Nate and he was surprised the doctor didn't bother him about that first.

"Well, I don't want to make you uncomfortable."

"I'm not uncomfortable talking about them anymore."

"Okay, that's good. So tell me about when your father told you about your mother. You talked about it before." The doctor clicked his pen and waited for Chuck to begin speaking.

He decided he should just tell him, he had never told anyone before.

"_Dad?" Very small Chuck sat at the dinner table watching his father eat. He was only four years old at this time. He swung his legs around since they weren't even close to touching the floor. _

"_Yes?" Bart answered his young son._

"_Why don't I have a mommy?" This had been confusing to him lately and he just had to ask his dad about it._

"_What?" He seemed a little taken aback by the question, maybe he wasn't ready for his son to ask him this question yet._

"_Why don't I have a mommy? Nate, Blair, and Serena all have one. All the other kids too." He thought of all the mothers picking their children up from school._

"_You did have a mother, but she's no longer with us." His father answered in a small voice._

"_Where is she then?" Chuck pestered him, he didn't understand what he was saying._

"_She's passed away, Charles. Deceased." Bart said in a small voice rubbed his forehead._

_Chuck knew his dad only called him Charles when he was either in trouble or he had done something to annoy or anger him. He pouted a little, not getting what he had done._

"_You mean she's dead?"_

"_Yes." He said sternly._

"_But why, what happened?" Concern spread across the boy's face._

"_Charles, she died when you were just a baby."_

"_But how?"_

"_When you were born. She died when she was having you." He tried to explain without getting irritated with him._

"_I don't understand." Chuck was hurt by his dad's tone, it kept growing angrier and angrier._

"_You will one day! You're just a kid now. You'll understand when you're older, okay? Now, would you please be quiet for a little bit?" He went back to eating his food and Chuck became silent._

_He didn't fully comprehend what his dad was saying, but just like he said, he would later._

"And he didn't talk about her again?" He asked once Chuck had finished.

"Only when I asked about her another couple of times." This was difficult for Chuck to talk about.

"And you didn't get it when you were younger?"

"No. I was four. But I started understanding when I was like…nine, I don't know."

"Nine?"

"Yeah, I really began to see how much my father disliked me."

"Chuck, I'm sure he didn't-" He interrupted the doctor before he could finish.

"It doesn't matter it. He's gone." He didn't want to go into how his father felt about him. He would never know the truth since he was now six feet under.

"Then let's talk about something else. Like your encounter with Nate Archibald yesterday?"

He knew it would be coming sometime. "I didn't start it. He just pushed me and I got angry."

"I'm sure that's what happened, but what did you think about him coming to see you again?"

"I was mad." He did not see the need to further explain himself.

They continued to talk about what Nate had said to him and whether Chuck thought he would ever forgive him…which he couldn't see happening in the near future.

"What have you decided on prom?"

"I'm going." He said, unenthusiastic.

The doctor smiled, "I'm pleased to hear that."

This session was coming to an end, but it was Chuck who wanted to talk to Dr. Sherman this time, before it was over.

"I wanted to ask you something. Sort of a favor I guess." He hung his head.

"Yes?"

"I was wondering…hoping…that you would let me leave. For a little bit…today." He told him slowly.

"You want to leave the center today?"

"Yeah, only for a little while though. Not very long at all. Probably only half an hour." Chuck explained to him, hurriedly.

"By yourself?" The doctor was confused by Chuck's preposition.

"Yeah…I knew it was a long shot-"

"No, Chuck, I trust you. And I'm going to show you that by letting you do this."

"Really?" He was surprised he had actually said yes.

"Yes. But can I ask what you are going to do?"

"Can I tell you later?" He started standing from his chair.

"You're in quite a hurry aren't you?" Dr. Sherman chuckled.

"I just need to do something."

"Yes, tell me about it later. Go do what you need to do."

"Thanks." Chuck grinned and left the office and didn't stop till he was outside of the large brick building and standing at the street. He quickly hailed a cab.

__________________________________________________________________________________________________

The cab smelled of dirty feet and Chuck would've bet his life on it that the driver hadn't showered in a month. Cabs obviously disgusted him, but it was the quickest way to get to his destination. He would've had to wait for his limo to come and if he had called his limo Lily probably would have found out and bothered him about this little trip he was making.

The cab suddenly screeched to halt and Chuck was jerked forward in his seat. His face was almost touching the passenger seat in front of him.

"Here you are, Sir." The driver said in a fake English accent, he thought he was a comedian.

"Thanks." He said while pulling his wallet out of his pocket and threw a twenty at the driver. "You don't have to stay, I'll walk back."

"You'll walk back? All the way back to that mental institution I picked you up at?" The man looked at him in the rearview mirror skeptically.

"It's not a mental institution, and yes, I'll walk back." Chuck grabbed the bundle of roses he had stopped and bought then slid out of the car, slamming the door behind him.

He heard the driver mumble something, but then he sped away. Chuck was left standing on the sidewalk, facing green grass that stretched further than he could see. It would be a beautiful sight to see, with the trees and flowers…if there weren't hundreds of grave stones around them.

He would have no problem finding his father's place. He could never forget.

Today, his father had been dead for four months.

It seemed like a lot more time had passed between the day he died and today. He thought it was most likely because of all the stuff that happened between the two dates. But it really was only four months.

Chuck made his way through the maze of graves and found his father's.

Bartholomew Bass

Father, Husband, Brother

He found it sad that his dad had never been great at any of those things they put on his grave stone. Not a loving father. He was a seriously noisy husband. And from what Chuck remembered Jack telling him, he neglected to be a good brother, too.

He bent down and placed the roses on the grass in front of the stone.

Chuck wasn't one who really believed in the whole talk to the dead they can hear you sort of thing, but he was learning how to express how he felt better and he wanted to talk to his dad one last time at least.

"Hey…dad." He smiled a little, he felt stupid. "This is kind of weird. You would probably tell me I'm ridiculous for doing this." A tear trickled down his cheek and he brushed it away.

"You know how you said you wanted to get to know me?" He smiled a small crooked smile, "I really wish that could have happened…but you're here now." He gestured his hands toward the grass in front of the grave stone.

"I wish you could have told me more about mom…I wish a lot of things, actually." Another tear come down and he sniffled.

"But most of all I wish you would've been proud of me…I'm sorry I wasn't who you wanted me to be." He paused thinking, then he stared off into the space around him, "If I could go back, I would be a different person. For many reasons, not just you. But I would've been someone you could be proud of." Chuck nodded, thinking of what it would've been like.

"I'm sorry." He stepped closer to the grave stone and rested his hand on top of it. And he whispered, "I love you, Dad."

The first time he ever told his dad he loved him, and he was dead. But he still desperately wished his father could say it back. He wanted to hear him tell him those words more than anything at that moment. But he was dead. He would never hear them from him. So he weaved his way back through the graves and over the hills of grass and slowly started to head back to the Ostroff Center.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________

"Prom! Prom! Prom! Blair, it's prom!" Serena twirled around in her dress in Blair's room. Blair had picked a beautiful red strapless gown for Serena to wear. It hugged her waist and boobs tightly but then flared out into a big long skirt when it got to her hips. Very traditional and classy. Not Serena's style, but she had said Blair got to pick her dress so she wore it. Her hair was also down, so it was flying everywhere.

"Yeah I know, now would u calm down. You're distracting me." Blair sat in front of her vanity doing her make up.

"Don't be grouchy. Be happy." She skipped over to her friend and smiled.

"I'm not grouchy, and I am happy." She put the make up brush down now that she was finished and looked up at Serena.

"Oh I see, your just nervous." She smiled and giggled.

"I'm not nervous. Why would I be nervous?" Blair jumped at the statement with a quick reply then fixed her perfectly curled brown locks in the mirror.

"Because you get to see Chuck." She teased her and poked at her shoulder.

"Come on, Serena, I have a boyfriend." She brushed her finger off her shoulder and looked down.

"Oh, please." She scoffed.

"What?!" Blair was offended by her remark.

"You know you'll be dancing with Nate, but staring at Chuck the whole time."

"No I won't." She denied.

"Mmm Hmm. Sure, whatever you say."

"When are you going to pick him up?" She turned around in her seat so she could face Serena.

"Soon." She shrugged, "I'll probably leave right after Nate gets here."

"Don't you want to leave earlier than that?"

"Why?" She looked at Blair like she was acting weird.

"So you guys can get there sooner." She said too eagerly.

"You mean so you can _see _him sooner." She laughed at her.

Blair rolled her eyes and got up from the stool and went to go put on her dress.

Her dress was black and lacy. Also strapless. The form was very similar to Serena's, but the top of this one was heart shaped so you could see more of her breasts.

"You look amazing, B!" Serena squealed at her appearance.

"I know." Blair said smugly and smiled.

They admired themselves for a little longer. Blair decided to put one last finishing touch on her look and opened her jewelry box. She carefully pulled out the diamond necklace Chuck had bought her for her seventeenth birthday and put it around her neck. Now she looked perfect, she thought.

"Blair! You up there?" Nate called to her from downstairs.

"Yes! Coming!" She looked at herself in the mirror again.

"You look gorgeous. And perfect. He won't be able to take his eyes off you." Serena encouraged her friend.

"Well Nate always has his eyes on my nowadays anyways, it's like he thinks I'm just going to break down or something."

"I wasn't talking about Nate." She smiled wryly, "Now come on." Serena started pushing her out of the room.

As she was pushing her down the stairs Blair whispered, "When are you going to get him?"

"Don't worry. I'll get him right after you leave, okay?"

Blair nodded. She was so anxious she almost wanted to go get him herself, but that would certainly not end well, she thought.

"Wow, you guys look terrific." Nate grinned at them.

"Thank you, Blair picked my dress." Serena said when the reached the end of the staircase.

"Well she has great taste." He walked over to Blair and leaned in to kiss her on the lips, but she turned her head and his lips met her cheek.

He looked at her oddly, and she tried to brush off the situation, "You look quite dashing if I do say so myself."

"Thank you." He held out his arms so she could link hers through, "Are you coming with us?" He asked Serena.

"Oh no. I was just here to get ready with Blair, but I have other means of transportation." If she didn't have to pick up Chuck she probably would have gone with them.

"Okay, well, see you there." The couple started to walk towards the elevator, but Blair turned her head around one last time to see Serena's huge smile and she couldn't help but smile herself.

___________________________________________________________________________________________________

Once Serena got to the Ostroff Center she hurried inside and dragged Chuck from his room. She wanted to get to the prom as soon as possible.

She had never gotten a date, not that no one asked her. A lot of guys asked her, she just didn't want to go with any of them. So it was just her and Chuck when they got into his limo.

"You know you look pretty hot." Serena told him with a smile when the got in the vehicle and it started leaving the center.

"Yes, I know." He smoothed out his suit.

She giggled at his reply, since it had been the same as Blair's. They're just meant to be, she thought.

"You are rather stunning, too." He offered her a compliment.

"Thank you."

She wanted to tell him how amazingly stunning Blair was, but she didn't know if he would just get agitated with her pushing him. So she just changed the subject, "So are we dates or what?"

"Um, no. This is not a date. Personally I could never date my step-sister, or whatever you are to me."

"That hasn't stopped you from hitting on me countless times."

"Please, that was just playing. I would never actually sleep with you. Like ever. Not anymore."

She wondered if there was another reason for that besides that fact they were basically siblings now, "Does that have something to do with Blair?"

"What? What would it have to do with Blair?" He gave her a look like she was an idiot.

"Because Nate slept with me and she was extremely hurt by that. Maybe you want to show her you can be better than him…" She thought of reasons why Chuck would no longer sleep with her, "or maybe you think she'll want you more if you're the one thing in her life that I've never had. Since she says Nate and her mother always liked me more, and I always take stuff from her."

"That is ridiculous." He told her.

Serena was sure she had gotten it right, but she decided to drop it.

They didn't talk much more, and it seemed like a long ride to their destination.

The limo pulled up to one of New York's most expensive and luxurious hotel's. A prom for the richest kids in the city could only be held in a place like this.

Chuck stepped out first then Serena followed him. He was becoming nervous and felt like he might be making a mistake. She saw the flushed look on his face and linked her arm through his, like giving him back up.

"You ready?" She asked him, making sure he was still okay with this.

"Yeah." He nodded and they began to walk forward.

The lobby was filled with some people from their school who were standing around chatting, taking a break.

The two of them continued walking until the reached the ballroom. They stopped in the doorway, to take it all in.

Although it was decorated magnificently, it looked like every other extravagant party they had ever been to.

The dance floor was filled with people, but there were also people sitting at tables, eating or just talking.

Some people caught sight of Chuck and stopped to stare at him. He had forgotten about this part, he would have to see his classmates for the first time since attempting suicide.

"Well this should be fun." He told Serena sarcastically.

A few people started to approach them, wanting to talk to him. But Serena held up her and gave them a glare, telling them to back off. They slowly retreated.

She turned to him and smiled, "It'll be fine."

They sat down at an empty table, many people were still staring, but they didn't have the guts to come talk to him.

Suddenly, Blair and Nate caught Chuck's eye. They were dancing of course. He was mesmerized by her appearance. He watched them slowly move across the floor.

He wished Nate would just fucking die right then and there. He deserved it. And he didn't deserve her.

Blair eyes moved around the room, examining every bit of it, when they found Chuck. She was to pleased that she couldn't not smile, and he couldn't help but smile back at her a little. She continued to look at him while Nate guided her around. But Chuck broke their stare and turned around in his seat so he wasn't facing her at all and stared down at the table.

"Are you gonna ask her to dance or something?" Serena asked him hopefully.

"Nope." He shook his head and didn't look up at her.

"Why not?" She began to get annoyed.

"Can't you see she's dancing with Nate?" He asked her rudely.

"Fine. Be that way."

They sat there, silently, for probably twenty-five minutes. Serena was so bored she felt like banging her head against the table, just for the fun of it. She was tired of Chuck's sulkiness. She wanted him to stop feeling sorry for himself, even though he had the right to, and go ask Blair to dance.

"Serena," She heard someone call her name and gazed up to see Dan. Chuck looked in his direction too, and rolled his eyes.

"Hey, Chuck." He acknowledged him, but he didn't feel like responding.

"Serena, would you like to dance?" Dan held out his hand to her.

"Oh god." Chuck muttered.

She smiled and turned to Chuck, "Will you be okay?"

"Yes." He told her, "I'm not a child."

"Then yes, I would love to dance." She took Dan's hand and they walked onto the dance floor.

Chuck looked around again and saw Blair and Nate now sitting at a table on the other side of the room. There was a lot of people in the way so it was hard to see them. He wanted to go ask her to dance, but he didn't have the confidence to right now.

Jenny and Eric rushed over and sat down beside him.

"What the heck are you guys doing here?" He looked at both of them perplexed.

"Dan got us in." Eric explained.

"You seriously wanted to come that bad?" Chuck didn't get why they desired to go so much.

"It's the prom. It's cool." Jenny told him.

"Plus we had nothing better to do." Eric added, "Where's Serena?" He looked around.

"With her brother." He motioned to Jenny. "Are they getting back together or something?"

"No, well at least I don't think so. They've just decided to try to get along since Mom and Rufus have agreed it would be a good idea to move in together."

"You're kidding right?" Chuck couldn't believe this news.

"Umm…no." Eric told him, he knew Chuck would hate it.

He tried not to think about that predicament right then, it would just make him feel worse than he was already feeling.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________

"I want to go say hi to Chuck." Blair said trying to see through the crowd of people.

"Don't, Blair." Nate told her and tried to push her back in her seat.

"What? Why?" She pouted. But he wasn't going to stop her, no matter what she was going to talk to Chuck tonight.

"It's just not a good idea. Let's go dance again." He pulled her out of her chair and lead her to the middle of the room.

___________________________________________________________________________________________________

A few girls approached Chuck and asked if he would like to dance. They all looked super slutty, exactly Chucks type, but he said "No thanks" each time.

His eyes were glued to Blair again. He followed her every movement. He would give anything to be Nate at that moment.

"Chuck, why don't you just ask her to dance?" Eric asked him, puzzled.

Chuck inhaled deeply, "Fine. I will…"

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________

Nate had one hand on her hip and the other holding her hand. They spun around to the tempo of the music. Blair kept trying to keep her eyes on Chuck, she was more interested in him than the dancing.

"That necklace is really pretty where did you get it?" He looked down at her neck.

"I've worn it before, when I was with you…Chuck gave it me." She admitted.

"Chuck? When?"

"My seventeenth birthday."

He nodded and tried to remain calm and not get angry at her. It was a long time ago that he had given it to her, he didn't have a reason to be mad. But for some reason it bothered him that Chuck had given it to her at a time when they had broken up. It must have been when they were sneaking around behind his back, he thought. He continued to spin her around.

"Nate?" She tried to get his attention again.

"What?" He faced her.

"I really need to talk to you about something. Like now."

"Yeah?" Looking deep into her eyes, with a concerned look.

"I…I'm breaking up with you." She told him seriously. She had to do it. This couldn't go on any longer.

"What?!" They stopped dancing, and he tried to remain quiet so people wouldn't stop to look at them.

"I can't do this anymore. I'm not in love with you. And it's hurting Chuck." She explained to him.

Chuck had moved his way through the crowd of people and finally reached them, they had stopped near the tables on the other side of the room.

"You're doing this because of Chuck?!" Nate yelled at her.

He looked at both of them, not knowing what they were talking about.

Blair saw him standing there first, "Chuck!" She tried not to show her excitement, but it was difficult.

"I came to see if you wanted to dance." He told her, then glared at Nate.

"No, Chuck, she doesn't!" Nate was extremely angry since Blair had just broken up with him, and at the prom. He pushed Chuck, like he had the week before.

There were no nurses here to stop Chuck from fighting back this time.

"What's your fucking problem?!" He punched Nate square in the jaw. He stumbled and almost fell over.

His teeth cut his bottom lip, so there was a little blood dripping onto his chin. He quickly regained his footing and hit Chuck in the face hard, right below his eye. The in the nose and it started bleeding. They grabbed onto each other's shirt and punched one another numerous times. They started bumping into people as the moved around, everyone had gathered to watch. Nate threw Chuck on the ground, he grunted as his back hit the hard floor and got the wind knocked out of him.

Blair watched them with her mouth hanging open then she went to help him up, but Chuck didn't take time to get a hold of himself, he scrambled to his feet and grabbed a hold of Nate's jacket. He pushed him all the way to the tables, and he threw him right onto one. There was a loud crash as plates, glasses, and a centerpiece broke then the table collapsed under him.

Chuck stood there breathing heavily as Nate lied there on the broken table. He wiped the blood that was trickling out of his nose on his sleeve. The teachers who were chaperoning finally made their way through the crowd. One grabbed a hold of Chuck and started pulling him back through the bunch of people as the other's went to attend to Nate.

Blair looked down at Nate and the two teachers who were helping him up. She shook her head and glared at him. He had started it and he was getting all the sympathy. She started weaving her way through people then she ran through the lobby, in her big black dress, and all the way outside.

The teacher had drug Chuck all the way to his limo, they weren't going to let him stay at the prom after getting in a fight.

"Alright, alright! Let go of me!" The man had a tight grip on him, but let go.

Chuck was stepping into his limo when Blair came rushing out of the hotel.

"Chuck! Chuck! Wait!" She yelled and he stopped, "Can I come with you?"

He hesitated, but then simply nodded to her and a big smile spread over her face. She walked over to the limo and he helped her inside. He got in after her and the limo drove away.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________

They didn't say anything during the ride back to the Ostroff Center, it was rather awkward and they both wanted to say something, but neither had the courage to.

His heart rate began to slow, finally.

Once the vehicle pulled up to the building, Chuck got out then helped Blair. They walked into the center, still silent, and all the way to his room. He shut the door quietly behind him. He moved over and sat down on his bed and tried to calm down. She stepped forward so she was standing right in front of him, "So…"

"So…" He said back and looked up at her.

"Are you okay?" She touched his face where he was sure a bruise was already forming.

"Yeah. Just hurts a little." His back and some of his ribs hurt too.

"Well it will probably hurt more in the morning. You should tell your doctor or someone what happened." She was worried about him.

He knew it would hurt a hell of a lot more in the morning, but he didn't want his doctor to know about it, "No it's okay, I'm fine."

"I'm really sorry." She still had her hand on his face.

He took her hand off and held it in his, "It's not your fault." He could tell it wouldn't take much more for him to forgive her.

They stayed there awhile. He didn't look at her, he just caressed her small hand. And she just stood there, her legs almost touching his knees.

"You know you asked me if I wanted to dance." She said and he looked up at her.

"Yeah?" He knew what she was going to say.

"Well I do." She had a sad expression on her face.

"Now?"

"Yeah."

Chuck stood up from the bed and took her other hand, "Okay if you insist." He smirked at her.

He lead Blair so they were standing in between the bed and the TV, it was largest open spot.

"There isn't any music." He told her, holding up her hand then putting his other on her waist.

"I don't care." She took her hand out of his and wrapped her arms around his neck instead. Then she rested her head on his shoulder.

"Okay." Chuck whispered, then brought both his arms around her waist and pulled her body closer. He rested his head on hers and slowly swayed back and forth.

They were quite for a few minutes, but then Blair had to make something clear to him, "I broke up with Nate." She still had her head against him, but she tried to look up at him.

"I guessed that much." He smiled and looked back at her. "Are you disappointed you're missing prom?"

"No, not really. I wasn't to excited about going anyways…I just wanted to see you."

He grinned a little bit. They went back to dancing for what seemed like hours, and strangely no one came in to tell them visiting hours were over. But they didn't question it, they wanted to stay with each other.

"Are you tired of dancing yet?" He kind of laughed.

"Yeah, a little." She giggled and looked up at him.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________

"My god, I'm going to kill him." Nate held a ice pack to his jaw and ranted to Serena.

"Nate, maybe there's something you should know…about Chuck."

They were sitting at a table, still at prom. Everyone had stopped staring at him now, he was old news.

"What?" He didn't think there was anything she could tell him that was all that important right now.

"Why he tried to kill himself?" She peered at him.

"What? I just thought it was 'cause he was sort of depressed after his dad died."

"No. That's not the reason…"

And she began to tell him the real story.

Nate didn't know what to say, he felt extremely guilty for being mad at Chuck this whole time. It was his fault. He just never knew how much his friend really loved Blair. They barely ever talked about her. But Chuck always did have a hard time showing what he really felt.

A man stepped up to the microphone on the stage, "We will now be announcing Prom King and Queen!"

____________________________________________________________________________________________________

"So are you sure you're okay?" Blair asked Chuck, they were now lying on his bed facing each other.

"Yeah…" Truthfully it hurt to lay like that, but he tried to ignore it and focus on her.

They stared into one another's eyes for a minute. Hers were a very deep, dark brown, but his were lighter than that.

She wanted to kiss him, but she didn't think he was ready for that yet, so she grabbed onto his hand. She wasn't going to rush things.

"I didn't tell you, but you look beautiful." He told her softly.

"Thanks." She whispered and scooted closer to him. Just because she wasn't going to kiss him didn't mean she couldn't be close to him, she thought. He moved closer too, and now they were only inches apart. They leaned their heads closer, so their foreheads were touching.

"Are you tired?" Chuck asked.

"A little." Blair replied.

"You don't have to wear that dress, I'm sure it's uncomfortable."

"Well I'm not going to wear my underwear!" She said like she was offended, but she wasn't.

"I didn't mean that! You can wear something of mine."

She couldn't hide her smile, "Okay." She jumped up and he sat up to.

"The clothes are in there." He pointed to the dresser that the TV sat on.

She took off her heals and ran, as best she could in the huge dress, over to it. He took off the jacket he was still wearing, and removed his shoes too.

She pulled out a pair of his awfully colorful boxers and an undershirt.

"You can change in the bathroom." He motioned towards it.

But she didn't care if Chuck saw her in her underwear, so she removed her dress right in front of him.

"Hey I don't mind if you don't, it was just a suggestion." He laughed.

She smiled and put on his clothes, then laughed out loud. She thought it was strange to be wearing something of his, but she liked it.

Blair then crawled under the covers of his bed and he followed her.

"Better?" He asked her as they got into the same position they were in before.

"Much." She answered.

**What did you think? Finally some happy CB stuff! **

**Oh, and I would just like to say for the Chuck/Nate fighting part, I imagine the song Tick Tick Boom by The Hives playing when that's going on. Very exciting. Haha! So go listen to it and picture it for me!**


	16. Chapter 16

**It's been awhile since I updated this and this is more of a chapter just to get the story going again. The next chapter will be more exciting.**

"What are you thinking?" Blair asked him. They had been lying there, close together, for awhile. The look on his face made him seem like he was thinking hard about something, but he was still staring at her.

"We have a lot to talk about." Chuck told her seriously, almost sadly.

"I know. But can't we just…lay here? And talk about it later?" She ran her fingers through his hair, it was soft and shiny. Her eyes pleaded to him. Blair didn't want this moment to be ruined by serious talk about what all this meant for them and Nate and other things. It would bring the mood down.

"Okay." He spoke softly to her.

She smiled, "So when can you leave…here?"

"Soon. Maybe next week." He said it nonchalantly, he didn't want her to know how much he wanted to get the hell out of there.

"Next week! That's awesome!" Her smile grew across her face. If she wasn't in a laying position she would've jumped up and down.

"Maybe next week. Not for sure." Chuck corrected her, not wanting to get her hopes up.

Blair's grin faded a little bit, she got it. Not for sure. Her voice was a whisper, "I'm really proud of you, Chuck."

"You're proud of me for almost killing myself, going to the hospital, than being forced to come here?" He looked at her skeptically. He knew what she meant, but he was trying to avoid a conversation about it.

"Don't try to turn it into a joke, please." All of her smile was gone now.

"Sorry." He muttered and moved his eyes away from hers.

"I'm proud of you for coming here…and making progress. You seem a little different," She moved his head so she could see his eyes again, "But a good different. Not a bad different. You're still you."

"I thought you didn't want to talk about this stuff right now." Chuck looked away again, it was making him uncomfortable talking about it with her, now. They never had serious talks, it was one of their main problems.

"I just wanted to tell you." Blair brushed his cheek, then stopped, not knowing if she was getting to close. It was hard being unsure of your relationship…but that was their story. She never knew what they were. What she meant to him.

"Okay." He brushed her cheek, letting her know it was okay that she did it. He could see how uncomfortable she had become. "How's your mom and Cyrus?" Changing the subject was a good move at this point.

"They're fine. My mom's still a bitch and Cyrus is still short and annoying." She talked bad about them a lot, but truth was she loved both of them. Chuck knew it.

"Well, at least the whole Humphrey family didn't move into your home when you were in a rehab center." He tried to make her feel better, and it did a little, she smiled.

Blair never heard a lot about Chuck's life. She guessed it was because he didn't want anyone knowing what was under his skin. What he was hiding. But whenever she did hear something it always made her feel crappy about disliking her family. Chuck's family was worse. She needed to remember that next time she wanted to hit her mom in the head with a cleaver, or stab Cyrus in the back with a butcher knife.

"I'm sure it's just some misunderstanding. Lily wouldn't do that to you." She tried to make him feel better this time.

"Really she wouldn't? You sure about that? This is a woman who left her kids when they were like 6 and 4 to run off with her numerous boyfriends." He arched one of his eye brows to her.

"Well I'll talk to her about it."

"Blair come on, this isn't your problem."

"Yes it is, I-" She stopped herself from finishing that sentence. It wasn't the time.

There was moment of silence before he replied quietly, "I know." Of course he knew what her sentence would've been. Those other two words that finish that three word phrase.

There was almost a silent agreement to drop the subject.

No more serious conversations were had the rest of the night. Slowly they started to fall asleep, still close together. They seemed like the perfect couple…to anyone who didn't know them.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________

"So how was it?!" Serena giggled like a gossiping teenager.

"Seriously, Serena. Stop acting like a child!" Blair seemed like she was extremely annoyed by her friends giddiness, but she actually wanted to burst open and tell her everything from the previous night.

"How was the sex? Huh? Huh?"

"What?! We didn't have sex!" She spun around in her chair.

"Oh sorry. I just figured. You're Chuck and Blair. It's what you do." She shrugged, this was amusing to her.

"Wow, Serena." She rolled her eyes.

"Okay I'm sorry. What really did happen?" Serena wanted to know every detail.

"Nothing really, we just talked and stuff." Blair shrugged.

"Oh yeah, you missed prom to just go talk with Chuck?"

"Yes. Okay, we did dance a little but that's really it. No sex. Not even kissing. I'm being responsible."

"Dancing, but no kissing? Well, I'm proud of you." She stated.

"Thanks. So, who won Prom King and Queen." She suddenly remembered she had never found out.

"You really want to know?"

"Yes I want to know. Well, I already know who got queen, so we can just move onto king."

"What do you mean you already know who won queen?" Serena was confused.

"You won. I know you won. Everyone loves you." Blair said, like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

Serena just stared at Blair. She was expecting her to get mad. Blair was Queen B and she should've won Prom Queen, but Serena had. She was surprised by the lack of fury in her eyes. What she was expecting was a full on battle for the fake plastic crown she had received, even though she would have gladly given it to her. Blair seemed unmoved. "You don't care about it?"

"No." She acted like that was a stupid question, "I just want to know who won King."

"…Nate did."

"Nate?!" Now she was mad.

Serena did not expect her to be angry that he had won, she was confused by her best friend right now.

"Does anyone at our school have a heart?! Chuck was nominated! I thought they would at least pity him and vote for him just to be nice! But Nate won?!" Blair waved her arms around in anger.

"You nominated Chuck didn't you?"

"Of course I did. I was expecting him to get everyone's sympathy vote." She pouted and crossed her arms.

"You know Blair, I really don't think Chuck will care about not being King. Seriously. It's not his thing." She comforted her.

"But still. Don't you think it would make him feel better about himself? Even a little bit?" She was disappointed by lack of compassion her classmates showed Chuck.

"Maybe, but it's okay. He has you, doesn't he? I think that's all he really wanted. You're a really good _non_-girlfriend." She purposefully used the word non because she knew Blair would freak out if she referred to her as Chuck's real girlfriend. And she would never hear the end of it.

She scoffed at her answer, "Of course he has me! And I know I'm a good non-girlfriend. So what happened after Chuck and I left?"

"Nate sat there with an ice pack for the rest of the night. Nothing really exciting."

"Ugh. I can't believe him." She decided to change the subject, "Hmm…You know something strange? None of the nurses came into the room last night to tell us visiting hours were over. I stayed there all night. I didn't leave till this morning."

A huge grin spread across Serena's face, "I told my mom to call and say it was okay for you to stay."

"What? Really?" She laughed and leaped up to hug her friend. She squeezed her back, she was glad she was happy.

"Okay now will you tell me about your night?" Serena asked her.

Blair sighed, "Fine." And she plopped down next to her on the bed.

______________________________________________________________________________________________________

"So, are you excited?" The doctor asked with a cheery smile.

"I guess." Chuck shrugged, but still a small smile tugged at the corners of his mouth.

"I know you're excited. You don't have to hide it. You want to jump up and down, run around the room a few times?"

"No thanks."

"Chuck, you're actually going home today. The normal reaction would be happiness, it's okay to show it."

But Chuck just kept looking straight ahead at him. He would express how excited and relieved he was to be leaving when he was alone.

"I just have a couple more things to ask you before you leave," Chuck nodded on response to him, "I would like to talk about you having weekly therapy sessions here." He waited to see how Chuck would react, which was the same as how he reacted before, just a stare, than continued. "You are leaving, but I think it would be beneficial if I kept seeing you once or twice a week."

"Sure."

"Okay, I'll set all that up with Lily, later. and if you get in any trouble or you're having any problems…maybe feeling a little down, you can call me." He reached out to hand him his business card.

"Cool," He took the card, acted like he cared, then asked, "Can I leave now?"

Dr. Sherman chuckled, "Yes, yes. Of course."

He jumped out of his seat, shook the doctor's hand, then power walked out of the office. Once to his room he got his bags together. Lily was coming to pick him up soon, but he couldn't wait so he grabbed his suitcases and tried not to sprint through the hallways to the entrance and exit door. Before he opened he took in his surroundings one last time…he wouldn't miss it a bit. He jetted out the door and out to the sidewalk. His limo pulled up right when he reached it, perfect timing.

Lily scrambled out of the limo, "Oh!" She hugged him. "Are you excited?" She said with a big smile. Obviously she was.

"Yeah I guess." He got into the limo first. Then Lily.

"Eric and Serena wanted to come but they were in school. I told them they could see you afterwards. Truthfully, I was going to throw you a welcome home party, but they talked me out of it. They said you would hate it." She seemed nervous.

"Well they're probably right. But it was a nice thought." he laughed a little and smiled at her.

"Blair was also very determined to come, but her mom said she couldn't miss school either. I almost thought she would skip it and bring you home herself. You should've seen her this whole week. She was always over. Running around making sure everything was right, she actually brought her maid once."

"Dorota?" Chuck really laughed at that.

"She really cares about you. Blair. Not Dorota." Lily added, rambling.

He nodded, this was awkward.

"I know you're against the party idea and all, but what you think about having people over for dinner? Just to celebrate." She eagerly awaited his reply.

"And who are these people?"

"Well, I was just thinking Blair…and Rufus, Dan, Jenny, you know. The usual people."

"I thought they moved in." He said rudely, and crossed his arms.

"What? Who moved in? Rufus? And Dan and Jenny?"

"Who else would I be talking about?! Not Blair." He raised his voice, her denying it was just pissing him off.

"They didn't move in. Who told you that?"

"Eric. And I seriously doubt he would lie about something like that." He looked at her like she was being foolish for trying to lie to him.

"Chuck, they didn't move in. They may have stayed a night or two. Just to try it out. But I wouldn't do that to you." She laid her hand on his shoulder. "I know you're not to fond of them and I wouldn't put you in that situation, especially right after getting out of the Ostroff Center. That would be very inconsiderate of me."

He continued to sit there listening to her, he was going to kill Eric the next time he saw him.

"And maybe one day they can move in, but not now. You're not ready for that. I understand." Lily finally ended her speech.

"Are you done?" He sarcastically added.

"Oh, shut up." And she playfully hit him.

He was glad to be out of that dreadful place, even if he was here with Lily in an awkward situation. Anywhere was better than there.

______________________________________________________________________________________________________

Chuck agreed to have Rufus, Dan, and Jenny come over for dinner. He wanted to say thanks to Lily for not having them move in quite yet. Blair was coming too. When Serena had told her about it, she basically attacked her. Threatening to let her come. At least this is what he heard from Serena when she called him after he arrived home. Eric and her were both on the phone giving him a welcome home, since they couldn't be there in person. Chuck had to admit it was pretty nice and sibling-like of them. Although, Eric was still going to have a talking to. But that would have to wait till later.

After he ended their conversation, he proceeded to go to his room. He hadn't been in his room since _that _afternoon.

Truthfully, he was scared to see what it looked like. Maybe there was blood on the floor and smeared on the side of his bed. Or broken glass spread over the room.

He opened the door with caution. Remembering the last time he'd opened the door, then slammed it behind him. They memory of the paintings shaking on the walls. When he finally peeked inside he saw everything was perfect. No broken glass on the floor, or other broken furniture. Definitely no blood. Everything was where it should be. It looked like something you would see in a furniture catalog. Some of his things had been replaced of course. Not all of the things he broke could be salvaged or substituted with replicas. But it all looked similar. It still looked like his room. Still the same.

He stepped inside, and examined things closer. He set himself on his bed after looking around at his things. Letting his head hit the pillow, he looked up at the ceiling. He would have to get used to this again. He had slept in a strange bed for so long it seemed like, he had forgotten his own. Shutting his eyes, he tried not to think of what he had done in this room. It was a nightmare.

He needed to act as if it wasn't real. It never happened. He could forget it. Hopefully.

___________________________________________________________________________________________________

Once everyone had arrived that evening, they started to gather around the table. Chuck sat down in a chair that was in the middle on one side. Eric made a move to sit in the chair next to him, but Blair pushed him out of the way and quickly sat in it. She smiled at Chuck, she was pleased to be there. But she wish the dumb Humphreys would go back to Brooklyn so she could have Chuck to herself.

Rufus and Lily had made the dinner together. Some sort of pasta dish.

Eric sat in the seat next to Blair and gave her a dirty look, and she wasn't afraid to do the same to him.

Once everyone was settled, the food began to circulate around the table and conversation began.

"So, Chuck, how does it feel to be back home?" Rufus asked then past the food over to Lily.

"Awesome." He grunted, he just wished Rufus would make this plain and simple. No talking. Just eat and get it over with.

"I know I would be extremely excited to be home after being gone for so long."

"I really wasn't gone for that long." He didn't like how Rufus had made it sound like he had been in the Ostroff Center for a year or something.

"So when are you coming back to school?" Jenny jumped in the conversation.

Chuck couldn't remember actually ever talking to Jenny, except that night he had almost forced her into having sex with him. He couldn't remember one time besides then that they had said a word to each other. He honestly didn't understand why she would even want to be here or ever see him. Most girls who are assaulted like that tend to be afraid of their assaulter. But not her.

Once he realized he was just staring at her not saying anything he replied, "I don't know. My doctor said it was up to me."

"We don't have to rush it." Lily said to him.

"Everyone is looking forward to you coming back." Blair lied, no one seemed to care about Chuck being gone. It made her extremely mad. She wanted Chuck to feel like he was wanted, so she twisted the truth.

Sarcastically, he said, "Oh yeah, I'm sure all my friends are just dying to see me." He knew Blair was exaggerating on how much everyone missed him. He didn't have any friends. He was always someone who was just there to everyone else. He was just Chuck. He was kind of a joke. But everyone still talked to him, and invited him to parties, and he was one of the most popular guys. Mostly because he was Chuck Bass. He was richer than most of them, better looking than all of them, the smoothest talker. So he was still popular and everyone still associated with him, because that was the life he was born into. He sometimes thought that if he was born into a household like the Humphreys he would be an even bigger loner than Dan.

Everyone tried to not ask awkward questions and make the dinner somewhat bearable for Chuck. Halfway through, Blair decided she was going to hold his hand. She lifted his hand up from the table and clasped in hers. They had never actually held hands before, not like this. And it made her happy that he was letting her.

She wondered if they would actually be together soon, if they could stay civilized to make it work out. She wanted nothing more than that. But for now she knew all she could do was be there for him. And not hurt him.

After dinner, Rufus, Dan, and Jenny didn't stay for very long. They probably thought Chuck would want them to leave as soon as possible. And they were correct. At least he had been somewhat polite at dinner, he thought that was good enough.

Blair was still there, she knew she had to leave eventually but she was putting it off for as long as possible.

"I think that went well." She told him, talking about the dinner. They were sitting on the couch on the living room.

"Yeah, I guess." He acknowledged her, he hadn't said much at all to her all night.

They sat there in silence for a time, she was still held his hand.

She tried to start up a conversation, "I hope you come back to school soon."

"Yeah." He nodded, but didn't look at her.

Blair didn't understand why he was acting this way, "Are you okay? Is there something wrong?"

"No." He said sharply, then muttered, "I'm fine."

She hung her head down, not sure what else to say. She knew something was wrong, just not sure what it was. But she didn't want to push him. She looked down at their hands, fingers intertwined.

He glanced over at her, a look of sadness was on her face. "It's just," He began talking, "It's strange being home. It feels weird."

She lifted her head, her big brown eyes staring into his. He continued, shaking his head, "I don't think I'll be able to sleep tonight."

Blair touched her hand to his face then wrapped her arms around him and embraced him, "It's okay. You'll be okay." She stroked his hair. Tears began to fill her eyes. She hoped he would be okay. But she didn't know if he would ever be okay again.

She stayed for a few more hours, but it was getting late. The said their goodnights and she laid a soft kiss on Chuck's cheek. Then she got into the elevator and left.

Eric came out of his room a few minutes later, he had been hiding since he was still a little pissed at Blair. "Hey." He said and plopped down on the couch.

"Hey." Chuck replied.

"I didn't think she was ever going to leave."

Chuck let out a small laugh.

"So are you guys dating?"

He shrugged as a response. He really didn't know what was going on with him and Blair. "I wanted to talk to you about something." Chuck remembered a conversation they were in need of having.

"What?"

"Remember when you told me the Humphreys moved in?"

"Oh. Yeah, that was just a misunderstanding. I thought they were moving in, but they were just staying for a little while." Eric explained himself.

Chuck didn't know whether to believe him or not, but he wasn't in the mood for fighting. So he dropped it. "I think I'm going to go to bed."

"Okay. Well goodnight." He said as Chuck made his way to his bedroom. Eric had been hoping he could hang out and talk to him, but he understood that he was tired. Your first day home could really drain the energy out of you, he would know.

Chuck slowly closed the door to his room. The feeling it gave him was even worse at night. He undressed and put on some more comfortable clothing to sleep in. He got into his bed and under the blankets. And waited to fall asleep.

**Hope you liked it. Next chapter Chuck goes back to school!**


	17. Chapter 17

Falling asleep the first few nights did prove to be quite difficult. But it got easier after time, Chuck got used to being back home again and in his own room. Although, he did just mope around the house all day for the first week. He wouldn't say much to anyone. Even Blair. She came over everyday, even when she wasn't invited. Being there for Chuck was the most important thing to her right now. She wasn't leaving him this time.

He had been home for two weeks now. Two extremely boring weeks spent alone at home with Lily watching over him like a hawk. Serena and Eric were in school the whole day because Lily wouldn't let them miss it. Blair had actually convinced her mom to let her miss a day. And she clung to Chuck for every second of it. He would find her being there so much annoying if he didn't find it comforting.

Today was Monday. And it was his first day going back to school. He was dreading it more and more. He didn't miss anyone or want to see anybody at school. He saw Blair, Serena, and Eric everyday. But if he wanted to graduate he would have to go back. As much as he hated school and didn't try in it, he didn't want to be a high school drop out. Upper East Siders didn't drop out of school.

Chuck pulled on his jacket and straitened his tie. After fixing his hair a little bit, he was done. He didn't look at himself in the mirror for long, although he could feel a little perspiration on his forehead. He left his room to join everyone for breakfast.

"You look very nice, Charles." Lily said politely.

"Thanks." He sat down in the empty chair next to her.

"You know, you can still walk to school with us." Eric told him, hoping he would agree to the offer.

"No thanks. Blair's still meeting me here." They were taking his limo to school, together.

"I really don't see why you guys don't just consider yourselves dating. You spend every second toge-" Eric was interrupted by Serena's heal on the toe of his shoe.

"I'm sure they still have issues to work out." Lily defended Chuck while he sat eating small bits of the food in front of him.

He wished he could get totally and completely drunk right now so he would barely remember the upcoming day at school.

"Are you ready to go back?" Lily snapped him back into reality.

"Uh, yeah, I think so." He continued to pick at his food.

"If you don't think you're ready I can just ask the headmistress to give you another week off."

"There's only one more month left, and she said I had to go back soon in order to graduate." Chuck explained to her.

"Well I'm sure you could stay home a little longer, she would understand."

"It's going to be fine. I can go back. I should just get it over with, it's got to happen sooner or later." He was reassuring himself as well. This was one day that he wished would be over as soon as possible.

Lily smiled and patted his shoulder. She was proud of how set he seemed on going back to school. Even though she could tell he was nervous about it.

"Oh, we're having dinner at the Humphrey's tonight." She added, "So if you guys have plans after school or something, just make sure you're there at six."

The thought made him shiver. If Chuck ever had to step foot in the Humphrey's loft his life would never be the same. He was never ever going there. Even if it killed him. "I actually think Blair wanted to have dinner alone with me tonight. She's been pretty excited about it." It was a lie, but the situation called for it.

He looked over at Serena who was staring at him, she knew he was lying. Blair would've blabbed about it to her all week if it were true. But she wasn't going to ruin his plan, she wanted to be a good sister.

"Oh, well, that's okay. You can just come next time." Lily was naïve and believed his story and went along reading the paper.

Next time would be NEVER, Chuck thought. Or maybe that's what it would be like when he went to hell, which he was certain he was going to. It would be one non-stop dinner at the Humphrey's.

They heard the elevator door ding open and the clacking of high heals on the tiled floor.

"Good morning, Van der Woodsens." Blair said in a rather cheery voice. She eyed the unoccupied chair next to Chuck and hurried over to it. "Bass." She whispered against his cheek before she kissed it and sat in the seat.

Eric rolled his eyes and muttered something under his breath. Probably another "Just date already!" remark.

"Would you like something to eat, Blair?" Lily offered.

"No, thank you. I already ate." She sat sideways in the chair so she was almost facing Chuck directly.

"Well we better go, we don't want to be late." Serena said and she stood up from the table, Eric followed her. They both gave their mother a kiss on the cheek. "I'll see at school, B. Bye, Chuck."

Blair waved to them, but Chuck barely acknowledged them. Eric moped behind Serena, wishing he was going to school with Chuck. He used to invite him to ride in his limo with him all the time. But now Blair was always there. It obviously annoyed him. But he wouldn't say anything about it because he knew how Chuck felt about her.

After they left, Lily and Blair started up some meaningless conversations and Chuck would throw in a comment here and there. She eventually excused herself from the table, "I hope you two have a nice dinner together."

Blair looked at Chuck suspiciously, all he did was shake his head, telling her to go along with it. "Oh we will." Blair told her. Then Lily disappeared leaving the two teenagers by himself.

"They're having dinner at the Humphrey's, so I told her I was having dinner with you." He explained to her after seeing the look that said 'tell me what the hell that was about'.

One thing Blair loved about Chuck was he felt the same way about the Humphrey's as she did.

"Well, are you ready to go?" She asked him.

"Yeah." He stood up from the table and brushed off his clothes.

She looked him up and down, checking his appearance. "Where's your scarf?" She asked perplexed.

"I don't need it. I don't wear it all the time."

"Yes you do. Stay here, I'll go get it." She said and walked off to his room.

He walked out of the dining room so he could see her down the hall. She quickly found the scarf and returned to him. She placed it around his neck and smoothed it out. "There." She smiled at him.

He rolled his eyes, "Are you done?"

"Yes." She smirked at him.

They said their goodbyes to Lily, she asked him again if he was sure about going back, then left the suite.

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________

Chuck gazed out the window of the limo nervously. Since the traffic in New York was ridiculous, they weren't getting anywhere fast. Waiting this long was not helping his anxiety. He didn't usually get this nervous, especially about something as small as going back to school. But he was considerably more vulnerable than he used to be.

Blair saw some sweat start to drip down his neck. She had never seen him so nervous before. She sympathized him and wanted to do something to help.

"I know what will make you feel better." She told him and placed her leg on top of his. Her bare leg touching his pants. She took hold of his hand and brought it over to her leg and set it right above her knee. Her hand still over his. He turned his head to her, confused. Feeling her soft, silky skin made it hard not push her against the leather seats and climb on top of her. She slowly drug his hand up her milky white thigh until it was under her skirt. He squeezed her leg tightly, not wanting her to drag his hand any further up her body. He wouldn't be strong enough to say no.

Her skin tingled at his touch. They hadn't been close like this in awhile. Her body was pressed so hard against him. She leaned over and started kissing his neck, his lips were still out of reach.

"Blair, you don't have to do this." He said now moving his hand back and forth on her leg, stroking it.

"But it will make you feel better." She twisted her body around and swung her other leg onto the opposite side of him, so she was kneeling over him. His hands were now at her waist, holding her steady.

Chuck scooted more towards the middle of the seat so they weren't squished against the door. He leaned his head back and she started kissing his lips.

He slid his hands underneath her blouse, feeling her sides and rolling his thumbs over her stomach.

Blair's hands moved to his belt, fumbling with it, trying to undo it. He realized where they were going with this.

"Blair, stop." He pulled her hands away, she set them on his chest. He took his hands out from underneath her shirt.

"What? Why?" Chuck never said no to sex unless he was scheming something. And she highly doubted he was scheming. She didn't know what was wrong with him.

"We shouldn't do this. It isn't right."

"What are you talking about?" She wrapped her arms around his neck. She whispered, "We're in your sacred limo." She made a move for his lips again but he moved his head away.

"I know, but a quickie on our way to school? And we're moving kind of fast…we still have a lot to talk about."

She slid over so she wasn't sitting on his lap anymore. Disappointed. She was now sitting where he was sitting originally by the window. She took his wrists in her hands, he flinched as if it was going to hurt. But it didn't, they were completely healed now. She lifted up his sleeve so she could see his scars. She ran her fingers lightly over them. "Chuck, I'm always going to be here for you…I'm not going to hurt you again."

He didn't meet her eyes, "We still have a lot to talk about." They kept putting off their serious conversation, they thought maybe it would just go away if they avoided it for long enough. But Chuck knew it wasn't going away.

"Okay, then we can talk about it at our _nice dinner alone_, that we're having tonight." She emphasized the nice dinner alone part.

"We don't actually have to have that dinner, it was just something I told Lily to get out of going to the Humphrey's."

"No, you're coming over to my house for a _nice dinner alone_, tonight."

"Okay." He wasn't going to argue with her.

"7:30. We have to give Dorota time to make a good dinner."

"Okay."

Blair smoothed out her skirt and blouse and tried to fix Chuck's tie and a few hairs that had gone astray.

They were silent for a few minutes until the limo pulled up to the curb next to their school. He peeked at the window, nobody had bothered to look twice at the limo since it was a common thing. He was in the clear so far.

Blair turned to face him, "It's going to be okay. People won't bother you. I'll be sure of it." She touched her hands to his neck and laid a soft kiss on his lips. She didn't care if he said they were going too fast or had things to talk about. She was going to kiss him, god damn it!

He pulled her close to him and whispered against her neck, "Thanks." He didn't want to act this vulnerable, but he couldn't help it. Damn Blair, making him feel this way. All lovey and kissy.

"Chuck, I love you." she took his face in her hands and told him directly. This was no game.

He smiled, and she smiled back. Then she opened the door of the limo, sliding her legs out and stepping onto the concrete sidewalk. After taking a deep breath, Chuck slid across the black leather seat and out into the warm spring air. Blair immediately hugged him quickly then moved to his left side, looping her arm into his. They began to walk forward, people began to notice him. They started pulling out their phones or whispering to their friends, staring at him.

Whispers, "Oh my god." "I totally thought he was dead." "Yeah, he was gone for so long." "He's with Blair." "Well, yeah, she totally dumped Nate at the prom." "Slut.""I can't believe he's back." "Do you know why he did it?" "Depression, duh." "Cause he's a total loner. Nate finally came to his senses and stopped being friends with him and Blair didn't want him."

It's amazing how much you can hear in a little over thirty seconds. Chuck tried to block out the whispers, but the people staring was something he couldn't make go away. Blair stroked his arm and kept softly telling him it was okay. People started getting a little closer to them.

A girl, apparently someone who likes to send tips to gossip girl, pulled her phone out and held it up to take a picture. Blair was extremely pissed off by this. Was Chuck coming back to school just some gossip and not a serious matter?! She got right in her face, pushed the phone out of the girl's hands, and gritted through her teeth, "Back Off." Not letting go of Chuck's arm though, she was holding onto it like if she let him go he would run away.

The girl, terrified, picked up her phone from the ground and scurried away.

Chuck and Blair continued walking, she just started flipping off anyone who was staring and whispering…which was everyone.

Her original plan was to take Chuck to the courtyard and sit down at a table before school actually started but the plan changed since everyone would be there and they would just be watched the whole time. She didn't feel like sharing him with people who just wanted to tell him dumb fake comments, like "Are you okay?" "Oh my god. I'm so glad you're back." "I missed you so much." And there would also be girls all over him, flirting. There always were. But he was hers! Any girl who touched him would wish she never did.

Instead of heading towards the courtyard they headed up the stairs and into one of the empty hallways. No one would dare to follow them. That would just be going to far.

Nobody, not even extreme losers like Dan, hung out in the hallways before school so it was completely empty. As soon as the doors closed and they were out of sight, Blair turned to him and wrapped him in an embrace. "Are you okay?" She asked as she brushed the back of his head.

"Yes." He said into her shoulder and closed his eyes, trying to relax.

They stood there for at least ten minutes. Blair's arms stretched as far as they could around him.

He was angry at what assholes everybody was being. Calling him a depressed loner. Calling Blair a slut. And they had no idea what they were talking about!

He started to grip Blair's waist tightly. She gasped a little at his extremely tight hold on her. Then she started running her fingers through his hair, not understanding what he was doing.

Chuck then grabbed her arms, and lightly threw her against the wall and pressed his strong body on top of her. He kissed her neck and moved his hands up her legs and under her skirt.

She started to breath heavily and smiled, massaging his neck and moving her body more into him. She knew this is what would make him feel better.

He pressed her against the wall and scooted her up it a little. So her feet were barely touching the ground. He was stilling sucking on her neck.

"Chuck." She whispered and bit his ear.

"Hmm?" He muttered.

She pulled his head in front of her so she could kiss his lips. He didn't disapprove.

His anger was slowly melting away.

They were right in the middle of sticking their tongues down each others throats when someone yelled, "HEY!"

Chuck didn't stop immediately, Blair was just too good to put down.

"STOP THAT!" A horse voice screamed at them.

He pulled his hands out from underneath her skirt and her shoes clopped back onto the floor.

They both reluctantly turned away from each other and saw the short, gray-haired, ancient lady teacher staring them down with squinted eyes.

"No more!" She said, pointing.

Chuck turned on his handsome smirk and said, "Okay."

Blair giggled at him.

"I'm serious!" She crowed again.

"Alright!" Chuck held back a laugh.

The teacher glared at them then retreated back into her room.

He smiled at Blair and kissed her. Just putting his hands on her hips lightly.

The bell rang for the students to start going to class. Blair groaned in disappointment and hugged Chuck tightly, wanting to stay with him forever.

He hugged her back, "Lunch?"

"Oh, we can just meet in the courtyard." She said into his jacket, smelling his cologne.

"You're not going to hang out with your little groupies or minions or whatever?" He asked surprised.

"Are you kidding? No." She said appalled, "I want you all to myself." She kissed him once on the lips.

He smiled and before anyone else came into the hallway, they slowly parted ways.

________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Blair walked into her first period class with dignity. She was not going to let the whispering girls in the back of the room get to her.

She was always one to gossip about other people, but when it was herself that was being gossiped about she hated it. She could dish it out, but she couldn't take it.

It also bothered her that they were most likely saying awful things about Chuck as well. It just wasn't right to talk bad about someone who almost died!

She sat down at her desk, which was located in the front row. She wished she had at least one class with Chuck, but they separated the girls from the boys. Stupid.

The girls just couldn't help themselves. They approached Blair and sat in the seats around her. Blair rolled her eyes, this was so annoying.

"So, are you and Chuck like dating?" One bubbly blonde asked.

"I don't think it's any of your business." She answered, trying to dismiss them simply.

"Well you were all over him when you guys came to school." Another girl added.

"We are friends you know?" She answered again.

"Not ever since you lost your virginity to him and cheated on Nate." The blonde said like it was some total last year gossip and she didn't care.

"I didn't cheat on Nate, we were broken up. Get your facts straight. And leave me alone." Blair tried to ignore them.

All their phones buzzed suddenly and they quickly pulled them out of their pockets and bags. School had officially started so it was okay to have your phone out for the next minute or two.

**Chuck Bass back at school? More like back from the dead. He looked as scared and pale as a ghost. Is school frightening? Plus his new Blair bracelet hanging from his arm. Not only is it beautiful, stylish, and sluttish, it works as your own personal body guard! **

A picture of the two of them arriving at school was attached. Someone had actually snapped one of them after all.

**Keep me posted on all Bass and Waldorf info.**

**XOXO, Gossip Girl.**

Blair was furious. Of course Gossip Girl was this quick to send everyone a message. She was just wished she was with Chuck to make sure he was okay. She sat up tall and didn't look around to see what the other girl's faces looked like. This wasn't going to get to her. It was worse for Chuck.

Blair went through her next three classes with the same stares and whispers and attacks from everyone. Eventually she stopped answering and ignored everything.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________

When Chuck was walking to his first class he received the same text message from Gossip Girl. Everyone in the hall who had stopped to check their phones, stopped and looked at him. It was completely humiliating. He couldn't remember a time he had ever been talked badly about on Gossip Girl. He was so under the radar with all his escapades that nobody sent tips about him in. He was the one who sent tips in. This was a new experience for him, he didn't like it.

"Yes? Would anybody like to stop staring at me?" He turned around in a circle so he could see everyone.

The people stared back at him like he had spoken words from the devil or some scary shit, then they quickly looked away and carried onto class. Then he carried along also.

No one approached him in his classes like Blair. They just sat there, gawking at him. He could feel the whole burning into the back of his head!

He was like some kind of foreign creature that everybody was afraid to get to close to.

It was almost worse than being asked a ton of questions.

Lunch eventually came around and Chuck headed out to the courtyard, sat down at an empty table and waited for Blair.

The looks were driving him crazy so he laid his head down on his crossed arms on the table. If he didn't see them they weren't there, right?

Blair practically ran to the courtyard from her classroom because she didn't want to keep him waiting. She sat down next to him and rubbed his back, "Are you okay?"

"Yeah." He said and lifted up his head, he looked extremely tired. She could see the school day was getting to him. "Do we have to stay here?"

"Do you want to go somewhere else?" She had her hand on his arm and her you could tell by her voice she was concerned about him.

"I don't think I can stay here." He looked right into her eyes, avoiding everyone else's. "This is miserable."

"I know." She touched his cheek, she took a quick peek at everyone still whispering and looking at them. "Okay, lets go." She stood up from the bench and ushered Chuck to get up. She grabbed his arm and partly pulled him up. They left school in a hurry, just wanting to get away from everyone.

_________________________________________________________________________________________________

After lunch, Chuck and Blair went back to their classes. Still they wished they didn't have to be torn away form each other. Chuck was starting to feel like he was so attached to Blair that if he went a long while without seeing her he would suddenly stop breathing. He was totally whipped. If he didn't love being around her so much he would hate it.

Chuck had American Literature after lunch. His least favorite class. He sucked at writing. Even if he was one of the smoothest and most convincing talker, he couldn't seem to put that on paper. Plus Dan was in that class. Just another reason to hate it.

He was sitting in his seat when Dan approached him, "Hey, how's it going?" What were they friends now? "Serena and Eric were looking for you at lunch. Where were you?"

"Uh I was with Blair? Why do you care?" He didn't like Humphrey trying to be nice to him.

"Just wondering. Serena and Eric were a little worried about you today."

"And you are their messenger?" He asked sarcastically.

"Whatever, Chuck. I was just trying to be nice to you."

"Well, I don't need you to be nice to me." The last thing Chuck wanted was for Dan to pity him.

Without saying anything else, Dan walked away form his desk and went to his own. Guys continued to straggle into the room. And one took his seat behind Chuck. "Hey, Bass…so why'd you do it?"

This guy had some nerve asking him that. Who was he anyways? "Go to hell." He said back.

"I mean I just want to know what was so wrong in your life that you couldn't go on any longer. You sleep with every girl, nothing seems terribly wrong with you so what was it?" He sounded as if he was holding back a laugh.

"You don't know anything about me, so just shut the fuck up." He didn't turn around or anything to look at him.

But the son of a bitch kept at it, "What were you so depressed about that you couldn't take like a man and deal with?"

Chuck turned around in his seat in a flash and grabbed the guys shirt and pulled him closer, so there faces weren't to far apart. "What did you say?" He gritted.

"Dude, I'm so not scared of you. You're pathetic." He told him right to his face.

Chuck threw the guy out of his seat and onto the ground and started punching him in the face. Over and over and over. The teacher finally came into his classroom and pulled Chuck of him. Everyone else had just gathered around to watch. Apparently the annoying jerk getting his ass kicked wasn't well liked.

He was drug to the headmistress's office while the other kid was taken to the nurse. Chuck had definitely done some damage.

He blurred out pretty much every thing headmistress Queller was saying. He didn't care anymore. He was too angry and sick of today. "Yeah, whatever, am I suspended?" He wanted to get out of there so he was hoping he was suspended.

"Well, I know you've gone through a tough time. So I don't think it would be fair to suspend you. So why don't you just take the rest of the day off?" She suggested what she thought was a fair punishment.

Of course he wouldn't get suspended! He rolled his eyes. Jesus. Being Chuck Bass sucked.

"Okay. Well Ms. Queller…can I call you Ms. Queller? Oh, who the fuck cares? I hope you have a fantastic day!" He said in the most sarcastic voice and left the office and walked outside and out the gates of school. Knowing exactly where he was headed. A bar!

__________________________________________________________________________________________________

Chuck walked into the first bar that he happened to pass by. He ordered scotch, naturally. He was getting fine and drunk for hours when the last person he wanted to see walked in. Nate. Why did he always show up out of nowhere? Seriously, it was annoying.

Nate meandered over to Chuck's table in the dark corner of the bar. "Ello, Mr. Archibald." Chuck was very very drunk.

"Wow. You're drunk."

Thank you captain obvious. "Yes I am. Is there something I can help you with."

"People are looking for you."

"Really? Interesting," He paused for a second, "…I don't care."

"Blair, Lily, Serena, Eric…I can go on." He sat down in a chair across form Chuck. He pulled out his phone and texted someone. Probably one of the someones he had just mentioned.

"And you're apart of the search party?" He gulped down some more scotch.

"I just knew where you'd be." Nate said.

"You knew I would be at this specific bar?"

"It's closest to school. I heard about the fight and how headmistress Queller told you to take the rest of the day off. So I thought where the hell else would he go?"

"Are you saying I'm an alcoholic?" He asked confused.

"Listen, Chuck, I have to tell you something…" Nate became serious, "I'm really sorry. For everything."

"Aw, you want to be best friends again?" He downed the rest of his drink and called for another.

"I'm serious."

"Oh, I'm sure you are. Doesn't mean I forgive you." The bartender came with more scotch, "Can you leave the bottle? It would be easier for you." He said as if he was thinking of the bartender and not himself.

He continued to drink while Nate talked, "Serena told me about why you did it. I didn't know. I had no idea…I'm sorry."

"You gonna say sorry another time? How bout we start a drinking game? Every time you say sorry, I take a drink of this very fine scotch."

"Chuck…"

"You're sorry?" He took a drink.

"What's it going to take for you to forgive me?" Nate had total sincerity in his eyes.

"Listen here, Nathaniel. You stole the first girl I've ever fucking cared about. You were a total asshole to me, AFTER I TRIED TO KILL MYSELF. You don't forgive someone for that after one apology or two or whatever."

"I'm sorry about Blair, I'm sorry about everything."

"Oh! Two more drinks!" He pointed and laughed.

"I think I should get you home." Nate said. Did he just now realize this?

"Uhhhh no. I'm fine here, thank you."

"Do you even know what time it is? It's after 6:45! You've been here all afternoon!"

"Wow, that's a long time. I have to be at Blair's soon." He poured more amber liquid into his glass.

"You're going to Blair's like this?" He was appalled.

"Yes, I'm going to Blair's like this! Do you have a problem with that? What are you even still doing here? Leave, go, now." He shooed him with his hand.

"Not until you leave and get in your limo." He insisted.

Nate called Chuck's limo to come and pick him, and he wasn't happy about it. He drank all the scotch he could before the limo came, but then he ended up just taking the whole bottle with him.

"Chuck? Can we sit down and talk sometime?" He stopped him before he got in the limo.

Chuck smiled, "Sure, when hell freezes over."

He got into the limo with his scotch and told the driver to go to Blair's. So what if he was early, she wouldn't care. She would be too preoccupied by his drunkenness.

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	18. Chapter 18

Chuck dripped the last bit of scotch from the bottle onto his tongue. He dropped it onto the floor and it bounced a few feet away from him then rolled when the driver turned the limo around a corner. He watched it tip back and forth. It would roll again, if it came near him he would lightly kick it away then watch it again.

The ride to Blair's seemed long, when they arrived the driver came around to open Chuck's door. He reached his hand in to help him out, but Chuck pushed it away and stumbled out himself.

He slowly got inside the building and to the elevator. He pressed the button to the top floor, then leaned against the wall. His head had started to ache. That's what he got for drinking that much.

For the few seconds that it took for the elevator to reach Blair's place Chuck thought about his talk with Nate. Was he too harsh? Uh…no.

He didn't know how to forgive Nate, at least Blair had tried to gain back his trust. Although he still had not fully forgiven her. And tonight was their serious talk. It should be fun, with him being totally drunk and all.

He heard a ding and the doors slid open. He stumbled out onto her tiled floor and saw her talking to a twig thin, bearded man. Both Blair and the man turned to look at him, the man said, "Have a good evening, Ms. Waldorf." Then he walked towards Chuck and stepped in the elevator.

Blair rushed over to the fumbling Chuck and tried to help him stand straighter.

"Who was that guy? Your boyfriend?" He said rudely and pushed her away.

"He works here, Chuck. My god, you're drunk." She stated.

"Well I can't really tell." He joked and stumbled again.

She tried to help him again, "Are you okay?"

"Shit, Blair! How many times have you asked me that today?!" He raised his voice.

"I-…I-" She stuttered, she had no idea what to say. "I'm just trying to help!" She realized how mad she was at him. For not going home after getting kicked out of school and going to a bar. And showing up here, this drunk!

"I don't need your help! I was doing just fine when you were with Nate!"

"I broke up with him! I love _you_!"

"You broke up with him how long after I tried to kill myself?!"

She didn't know where all of this was coming from. She thought they were okay now. "I don't understand why you're so mad all of a sudden."

"This is the long serious talk we've been avoiding!" He was full on yelling now. "What did you think we were going to be talking about? How much we love each other and how badly we want to be together?!" He asked mockingly.

She was silent. His words definitely hurt.

"Did you think I had already forgiven you for everything?" He asked quietly.

"…Yes, I thought that we were moving on and that…I don't know."

"Blair, I tried to commit suicide…because of you. Is that something you can forgive that easily? Is it something you can move on from? Ever?"

Her eyes started to fill up with tears, " What can I do?" She put her hands on his face, "What can I do to make you forgive me?"

"I don't know." He looked away, the tears had started coming down her cheeks.

Blair sniffled and wiped the tears from her face, "Well, do you want dinner?"

"You're going to offer me dinner still? After showing up completely drunk and totally killing the mood?"

"You need to eat." She pulled him along with her into the dining room.

It was candle lit, and looked entirely romantic, just like she wanted. Dorota brought the food into them. They didn't say anything, which made it awkward.

Blair interrupted the silence and asked him, "So, why did you go to a bar after the fight at school?"

"Why do think? I couldn't take it anymore."

"I thought you were doing pretty well today." she said supportively…girlfriend like.

"Well that guy pushed me too far." Chuck grunted.

"What did he say?"

"Not important."

"Chuck," She grabbed his hand, "Please, tell me what he said."

"He kept asking me why I did it. Then he asked me what I was so depressed about that I wasn't man enough to take, and he called me pathetic…" he trailed off. "So I beat the shit out of him."

She stood up from her chair and hugged him.

Seriously! Why does she have to do this, he thought.

Her hair smelt so wonderful and he felt his hand up her back. Okay! You haven't forgiven her! Remember?! His conscience screamed at him. Wait. Did he have a conscience? Then he started to think about this matter.

This is what happened when he was drunk.

Blair noticed Chuck's hand had gone limp so she pulled away. He wasn't looking at her or even seemed like he knew she was there at all. He appeared to be in deep thought.

Maybe he had gained a conscience after trying to kill himself, he thought. He never had that little voice inside his head telling him what not to do before. He just did whatever bad things he wanted. His conscience may have even encouraged him. But now, it was like…different. Wow. He was drunk.

"Chuck?" Blair snapped her fingers at him.

"Oh. Sorry." He looked down at his full plate of food. He had no appetite. His head ache was getting worse. He felt nauseous all of a sudden.

"Are you feeling okay?" She felt his cheek, he was clammy and pale.

He got up from the table quickly. Ran for the stairs. He was headed for Blair's bathroom. He didn't know where any of the other bathrooms were in the apartment. He busted through her bedroom and sprinted for the toilet. A large amount of liquid from his stomach made a splash in the bowl. Blair wasn't far behind him. She crouched beside him and brushed his hair. She thought it was certainly the most disgusting thing ever, watching Chuck puke. But she was determined to be the best non-girlfriend, whatever she was, ever.

After a two minutes of straight barfing he leaned against her bathtub. She got up and got a glass of water from the sink. She gave it to him and a towel to wipe his mouth with, then she sat next to him again.

He took the water and gulped the whole thing down. Scotch did not taste nearly as good the second time around. Blair ran her fingers through his hair again and wiped the sweat off his neck.

He laughed at the situation, "You're not my girlfriend." He smiled at her.

"I know, but it doesn't matter." She kissed his cheek.

"Aw, you don't want to kiss me on the lips?" He jokingly got his lips close to hers, while she tried to push him away.

"Whoa, hold on." He positioned himself over the toilet again.

She got him more water, and got a hand towel wet to wipe the sweat off his forehead.

Once they were both sure he had nothing left to throw up, Blair helped him to her bed. He felt awful, he didn't remember ever feeling this sick before. He was really tired too.

"I'm sorry about this, Blair." Why was he apologizing? Ridiculous.

"It's okay." She hushed him.

Before she knew it he was fast asleep.

_________________________________________________________________________________________________

Lily being the uncaring stepmother, didn't mind that Chuck spent the night at Blair's. She was just happy that he was safe somewhere and not in a bar.

Chuck decided to skip school. He still wasn't feeling well and he didn't want to face everyone then accidentally puke. Blair insisted that he stay at her place so Dorota could take care of his every need. He agreed, but he sneaked out after she left for school.

"So how was your great romantic dinner alone with Chuck?" Serena asked her, over there yogurt on the steps at lunch.

"Awful!" She yelled to her, "Not romantic at all when you have to give the guy you love water every two seconds cause he's puking up the two gallons of scotch he drank after he got kicked out of school for fighting in class!" She caught her breath afterwards.

"Wow. I'm sorry, B." She patted her arm.

"You know something else? He's still mad at me for everything. I thought we moved on, but we didn't."

"Well, it'll take sometime."

"You've had cocaine before right? Like you used to do that back in the day or whatever?"

"Uh…yeah sure. Where is this going?"

"Well you've never had sex with Chuck, but I'm gonna guess it's kind of like coke. You want more and more after you've had it. But than you go a **really** long time without it, then you have someone dangle the coke right in front of you. They'll give you a little taste, but not a whole lot."

"What?" She had her confused Serena look.

"Okay. I haven't had sex with Chuck for a really long time. I really want to have sex with Chuck, but that isn't happening. And we keep kissing and that makes me want Chuck more and more. But it's still not going past that. Chuck was the coke in this metaphor…or maybe a better example would be meth. Oh I don't know. You're the one who used to do drugs all the time."

"Love you too, Blair." She said sarcastically.

"That's another thing! He hasn't told me he loves me." She pouted.

"Well, you know he does. He wrote it in his note. Remember, it hasn't been that long since all this happened. You need to move slower. Give it time. Give him time."

Blair huffed, she didn't want to wait. She wished she could go back to before all this happened. Change it. She wouldn't be with Nate. She would forgive Chuck when he came to see her, when she told him it was too late. Then she could be with him now, she wouldn't have to wait. All of this could've been avoided.

"I wonder how he's doing." She pulled her phone out and dialed his cell. No answer. "Maybe he's sleeping. I'll call Dorota." Serena rolled her eyes at her, she was being overly protective. She needed to give Chuck space. Blair dialed Dorota's cell. She could have called the home phone, but she thought she had a better chance of reaching her if she called her directly.

"Hello?" She answered, but sounded nervous.

"Dorota?"

"Miss Blair! How are you doing?" She shouted, again, nervously.

"Fine. How's Chuck?"

"He's…He's uh…" The maid stuttered over her words.

"What, Dorota!" She yelled into the phone.

"Gone. I don't know where he is. I went up to check on him, but no Mister Chuck."

"YOU LOST HIM?" Blair screeched horrified.

"I did not lose him! Just went up to your room and he was gone. I'm sorry." Dorota explained, scared.

Blair hung up the phone, "It seems your step brother, has gone missing."

Serena had figured that much since she heard the whole conversation, she was sitting right next to her after all. "I'm sure he's fine. He does this all the time. It's not like he's lying in a ditch somewhere, dead, beaten by the mob."

"Well you never know." She kidded. "I swear if I don't find him…" She didn't finish her sentence.

"Come on, you need to stop pushing him."

"Okay, okay I'll stop pushing. But I better hear from him by the end of the day."

Blair tried to get him of her mind and she twirled her spoon around in her yogurt.

"Hey, uh, have you guys seen Chuck?" Nate stood in front of them, he clearly didn't want to be there but he wanted to find Chuck.

"He didn't come to school today." Serena answered him, but Blair chose to ignore him and not make eye contact.

"Oh, okay." He was about to leave but hesitated, "Blair, can I talk to you for a second."

"No." Still not looking at him.

"Please, just for a second." He pleaded.

"Is that really enough time to tell me what you want to tell me?"

"Okay a minute then, please."

"Fine." She stood up from the steps and set her yogurt by Serena. They walked only far enough away so that she wouldn't be able to hear them.

"What do you want, Nate? Chuck would have a fit if he knew I was talking to you."

"Is that why you don't want to talk to me?"

"That's the main reason, yes. So make this quick."

"I just want you to talk to Chuck for me. Try to get him to forgive me."

"No, I'm not doing that." She looked at him like he was crazy.

"What? Why not?" He was confused.

"Then he'll think I'm on your side."

Nate ran his fingers threw his hair, and exhaled heavily in frustration. All he wanted was Chuck to forgive him. They were best friends. He guessed, were was the key word. Meaning they no longer were. But Chuck was still his best friend, no matter what. He knew what he did to him was wrong and he could understand why he was refusing to forgive. But if he could make him see that he could still be his friend, then maybe Chuck would forgive him. "Do you know where is right now?"

"No, I don't. And if I did, I don't think I would tell you anyways."

He groaned, "Stop being so difficult, Blair."

"Is that all, Nate?"

"Yeah, just next time you see him, please, tell him I said I was sorry." He had the face of a pouting little boy.

"You're not the only the one he hasn't forgiven." She walked away from him and returned to her place on the steps next to Serena.

___________________________________________________________________________________________________

Chuck spent the whole day sleeping off his hang over at home. He had gotten used to his room again, sleeping in it was no longer a problem. He didn't wake up till two in the afternoon, and when he checked his phone he had seven text messages and three missed calls from Blair. He didn't bother to answer any of them.

He went out to the kitchen to get some orange juice, but the scotch caught his eye. One drink and that would be all, he told himself since he still didn't feel too well.

The scotch filled the glass up less than half way. He sat down on the couch to enjoy it. The elevator doors opened and he expected it to be Eric and Serena home from school, but Blair turned the corner.

"Chuck. Why didn't you stay at my house?" She asked trying to hide her anger.

"I didn't want Dorota to have to take care of me all day, and I wanted my own bed." He explained. Another reason was that he didn't want to send mixed signals to her, they still weren't dating. Dating people stay at the persons house they are dating. The only reason he fell asleep there was because he felt sick and couldn't keep his eyes open.

"Okay, well you didn't answer any of my texts or calls."

"I was sleeping all day."

"But your awake now," she pulled out her phone and looked at, "And I still don't have any replies." She said angrily.

"I'm not your boyfriend!" He set his drink down and stood up.

"Then why do you keep hanging out with me and kissing me all the time?" She asked, her voice cracking because she was hurt by his words.

"Because-…Because I-" Because he was in love with her. He wanted to be around her. He wanted to be with her. But he now realized maybe that wasn't for the best.

"You what?" She asked, truly not understanding what he was trying to say.

"I think we should stop seeing each other for awhile." He said sadly, looking down at his feet.

"I thought we weren't 'seeing' each other." She misinterpreted what he meant by see.

He slowly lifted his head, and met her eyes, "I mean I think we should stop hanging around each other for awhile."

"What?" She couldn't believe what she was hearing.

"Like you should stop coming here, I shouldn't take you to school in my limo."

"You don't mean that."

"Yes, I do."

"You're just drunk." She said, pointing to his glass of scotch on the coffee table.

"It's my first drink today."

"Well then you're still buzzed from all the drinks last night!"

"No, I'm not, Blair."

"I don't understand." Why wouldn't he want to see her anymore? What did she do to make him mad?

"It'll be for the best. If we keep acting like this. Like we're dating, I would just end up hurting you."

"You don't know that!" This was a horrible feeling. Even if they weren't dating, she felt like he was breaking up with her.

"I just need some time." He tried to explain to her, it wasn't that he hated her or something all of a sudden. He just need time and space, to think.

She had no idea what else to say so she stood there awkwardly. She started to tear up, so she turned and bolted for the elevator. Chuck just watched her sprint away.

She hit the button for the lobby very hard and huddled herself in the corner. Tears were streaming down her face, she tried to keep herself from making any noises, but she couldn't help it. She didn't understand why she was crying so hard. They weren't dating! He didn't just dump her!

Chuck felt guilty for making her cry, but she didn't understand. This was too much for him, too soon. He plopped back onto the couch and picked up his glass of scotch. He changed his mind, that wouldn't be his only drink.


	19. Chapter 19

When Blair reached home she ran up to her room and slammed the door. A worried Dorota wanted to follow her, but thought it would be best to give her some time.

She cried into her pillow. Not caring if it smeared her make up and ruined the pillow case. Chuck didn't want to see her anymore; nothing else mattered at the moment. She tried to steady her breathing.

She reached for her phone in her purse. She dialed the numbers quickly.

"Hey, Blair. What's up?" Serena answered on the second ring, she was with Eric and she was still giggling from something he had said before she picked up the phone. "I thought you were gonna hang out with Chuck for a little while."

She thought she had controlled her tears, but at the mention of his name she started bawling again.

"Blair? What's wrong?" She had gone from joking to concern.

"Can you just come over here?" She managed to say through her sobbing, it was probably difficult to understand her.

"Yeah, of course. You're at home?" She asked worriedly.

Blair mumbled, "Mm hmm."

"Okay, I'll be right there." She hung up the phone and grabbed Eric arm, "Come on, you coming with me." She started dragging him down the street, trying to hail a taxi.

He groaned, "Why?"

"Because. You have all the brains."

Blair set her phone down on her night stand and curled herself up into a fetal position, hugging her knees. Her tears dripped onto her pillow, creating a wet spot half the size of her head. It was becoming hard to breath through her nose, but she wouldn't get up to get a Kleenex.

It didn't take long for Serena and Eric to get there. Dorota watched them, still concerned, run up to Blair's bedroom.

Serena quickly, but quietly opened her door. "B, what's wrong? What happened?" She rushed over to the side of her bed. Eric slowly followed, he wasn't sure if she would mind him being there.

Blair hid her head in her pillow. "Chuck." She said into it, but Serena was still able to understand.

"What did he do?" She ran her hand down her hair, comfortingly.

"Why do you assume he did something wrong?" Eric jumped in angrily.

"Well she wouldn't be crying this hard if she did something!" Serena told him off and tried to get Blair to lift her head up.

"He hasn't done anything to her! And if he did, well than she deserves it."

"Eric!" She yelled at him for saying such a thing. "Blair, tell me what happened."

"Chuck…" She said still crying, "Told me he didn't want to see me again."

"Like ever? He doesn't want to see you again, ever?" She asked, horrified.

"No, no. He said for awhile." She buried her head down again.

"What? Why wouldn't he want to see you? He loves you." Serena told her, reassuringly.

"I don't know why. I don't understand!" She cried even harder. "What did I do?"

"What did you do??" Eric looked at her like she was crazy for saying that. "You broke his heart!"

Serena shot him an evil glance, telling him to shut up. But if Blair didn't understand this, then he felt like he needed to tell her.

"He felt betrayed. You chose his best friend over him. And because he was in so much pain, he did the worst possible thing. He tried to kill himself. What if he had succeeded, Blair?"

"That would've been awful!" She yelled at him.

"Yeah, it would have been. And you would have felt terribly guilty, when you found out it was your fault. In fact, you should feel guilty even if he didn't succeed." He walked closer to the bed.

"I do!" Blair screamed, of course she felt guilty!

"Well you shouldn't think you can forget everything and move on…You guys might never be the same as you were before. Chucks different, don't you see that?"

"Yes." She wiped the tears away and sniffled.

Serena was listening intently to everything Eric was saying.

"Then you shouldn't think that just by going back to him, everything will be fine again. He's not ready."

"But I thought being with me was what he wanted!" She got up into a sitting position so she could see him, and hear him better.

"It is, but he's not ready to jump into the relationship right now! He's still mending his wounds, getting over everything. It's probably not helping that you're around all the time."

"But he never acted like he minded being around me before."

Eric felt like he was explaining to a three year old how boys act mean to girls they like. But this talk was necessary. "Maybe he didn't realize it until now, that you, is not helping. He let his desire for you get in the way of seeing that."

She sniffled and wiped her nose. Serena scooted herself onto the bed and put her arm around Blair's shoulders. "You're right." She sounded surprised by the fact, but she'd finally gotten some sense knocked into her. "I'm not helping at all, maybe making it worse. I just thought that being with me would make him happy…I wanted it to make him happy." She let a few tears slip down her cheek again, "Well what should I do?"

"Just do what he asks, I guess." Eric told her.

"Well, he told me not to see him for awhile." Blair pouted.

"Then stay away from him for awhile."

She bit her lip.

"Blair…" He said in a stern voice, like talking to a child. "You've got to give him some time."

"I know…do you think he'll ever trust me again, fully?" She asked him, quizzically.

"Yes, I think he will. He loves you. You just have to give him time to move on from everything."

"Thanks, Eric." She smiled slightly. Why was he younger, but way smarter? He always had the answers.

"You're welcome…I don't think you need me here anymore, so I'll just head out." He headed for the door of her bedroom.

Blair and Serena both said bye to him and he disappeared.

Serena wrapped her friend in a hug, she hugged her back. "You okay, now?" She asked.

"Yeah."

"You sure?" She looked at her, not really believing that she was perfectly fine now.

"Yes, I'm sure." She giggled.

"Do you want me to stay?"

"Maybe for just a little bit?" Blair smiled sheepishly.

Serena stifled a laugh, "Okay, I'll stay as long as you want me to…as long as I'm not here till I'm 80."

She pushed her playfully and they fell onto her bed, now lying down. Blair laughed for a minute, and then the smile slowly faded from her face.

"Everything's going to be okay. Chuck is going to forgive you. You guys are gonna be together, don't worry."

"But, I'm just thinking," She looked her friend in the eye, seriously. "If I were him, I don't know if I would ever forgive me. I don't think I would ever want to be with me, again. How could he have kissed me, it should have disgusted him."

"Blair, he loves you. No matter what."

"Stop defending what I did, Serena! I know you're trying to help, but just stop!" She told her sternly, almost yelling. "He tried to…end his life. Because of me. Because I was just the last straw in his life, he couldn't handle it anymore."

"I know." Serena said solemnly.

"Do you know how guilty I feel-" she stopped herself from continuing. "But I've got to stop making this about me, it's not about me. It's about Chuck." She nodded her head once, as if setting down a hard rule.

Serena stared at her for a moment then changed the subject, "So, what do you want to do?"

"I don't know." She shrugged.

Serena made a joke in her own mind about _who _Blair wanted to do, but she decided to keep it to herself. "We could watch Tiffanies. Your favorite."

"I suppose." She slouched up against her head board.

"Cheer up, Charlie." She patted her knee.

Cheer up, Charlie? Since when did she change her name to Charlie? Blair thought, but was too exhausted from crying to give her friend a look like she was from Mars.

Serena got off the bed to put the movie in the DVD player. She pressed the correct buttons and the movie started playing. Before Holly even came out of the cab, to look in the Tiffanies window, Blair got into a position for sleeping. She closed her eyes and heard the old classic music from the movie playing, all she could think of was Chuck. She wished her life could have a fairytale ending like she always planned. Scratch that, the fairytale ending she had dreamed of was with Nate. She didn't want that anymore. She wanted her ending with Chuck. Even if it was as tragic as Romeo and Juliet.

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________

Chuck tapped his finger on the glass at his hand, half-way filled with scotch. He heard the elevator doors open and he jumped up.

"Eric!" He said as if he was nervous when he walked around the corner.

"Hey, you're drinking?" He saw the drink on the side table.

"No, not much really. I kinda stopped awhile ago. I've just been sitting here."

He didn't really appear to be drunk; he appeared to be more high than anything. He seemed jittery.

"Okay." He said suspiciously.

"So, where were you?" Chuck followed him into the kitchen.

"At Blair's." he said it as if he thought Chuck wouldn't care at all, but he knew he would.

He gulped, "What'd she say?"

"Is it really important?"

"Yes, it is! Is she really mad at me?"

"Chuck, no, now just stop and calm down." Eric tried to guide him over to the couch.

"I think I should call her, say I'm sorry, she might not forgive me." he tried to reach for his phone in his pocket.

"No! Chuck, sit." He pushed down on the couch. "Don't' call her."

"But I have to apologize," he struggled to try to reach his phone. "I made a mistake, if I apologize now she might give me another chance."

"You don't need to apologize!" He took the phone from his hand, "She understands. You're the one giving her another chance, not the other way around. Remember that." Chuck stopped struggling against him. "She's going to wait, until you're ready. When you want to be with her again, she'll be there."

Chuck's body was near limp now; Eric had pushed him all the way against the back of the couch now. "I think you lied to me about how much you had to drink." He smiled.

"Just a little bit." He smirked, now it was obvious to Eric that he was drunk.

"Okay, well how bout we get you to bed so you can sleep it off before Mom comes home?"

He looked hesitant, like he still wasn't sure if it was a good idea to call Blair or not.

"Come on." He pulled Chuck off the couch and dragged him to his room. He laid him on his bed and said, "Trust me, Chuck. I know you've never really trusted anyone, but I've given you no reason not to trust me. So I'm telling you, don't call her." Eric looked at him for a moment longer than left him alone.

Chuck sat on his bed; he took his phone from his pocket and held it in his hand. His hand was set limply on the bed, his phone just resting in it. He lifted it up and stared at it. Contemplating whether to call her or not. He wanted to call her, so bad. He thought he had screwed up, and she would never forgive him.

But he did trust Eric; he never gave him a reason not to. And he had said not to call Blair and that she would wait for him. So he set his phone on his bedside table. He would take Eric's word for it.

Chuck lay down on the bed, looked up at the ceiling, and for once, fell asleep before a thought of Blair could cross his mind.

___________________________________________________________________________________________________

Two weeks passed by, Chuck attended school regularly now. He didn't miss anymore days for having an extreme hang over. People had stopped bothering him about trying to kill himself, it was old news. The first few days back were filled with questions not only about what happened with him trying to commit suicide, but also why he was no longer hanging out with Blair.

He hadn't spoken to Blair once since he had told her they should stop seeing each other. Every so often he would give her a somber look when they passed in the hall, he couldn't help it. But she tried to suck it up and ignore it. She was going to have to be the strong one and stay away from him. If that's what would help him forgive her, than that's what she'd do.

He would hang out with Eric and Serena at lunch, everyone now thought they were a close knit family. Blair would hang out with her minions on the steps like old times. They had cut all ties from each other; it was like they didn't even know one another.

This morning at breakfast, Chuck was eating quietly, like he normally did. Usually Lily would go on and on about something and her two biological children would add to her conversation, but today she sat in silence. Occasionally looking over at Chuck. It was starting to annoy him. Eric and Serena seemed to be mute too; they weren't saying anything other than a few whispers to each other.

Lily glanced over at him again, and that was the last straw. He dropped his fork onto his plate, it made a clanking noise. "Is there something you want to say to me?" He asked her.

She appeared as if she had no idea what he was talking about, "What? No. Why?"

"Never mind." He muttered and went back to eating.

A few minutes passed before Lily finally admitted what was on her mind, "Your birthday is in a few days and I was wondering if I could throw you a party." She smiled hopefully at him.

"Sure." He said, knowing it would satisfy her and she wouldn't constantly pester him about it.

Her smile grew, "Is there any specific people you want me to invite…or not invite?"

"Anybody can come, I don't care." He thought about it for a second more, "Except for that fagot I beat up a couple weeks ago."

"The one you beat practically to death in English class and was sent to the hospital?" Serena looked at him, scolding him with her eyes.

"He went to the hospital? Seriously? He's an even bigger pansy than I thought. I guess that's why he hasn't been back to class yet." Chuck smirked and chuckled to himself, the dude deserved what he got.

"No, he just had a minor concussion. The result of you punching his head against the floor!" She explained, "He hasn't been back because he apparently requested to be put in another class."

"Why did I never hear about this before?" He thought it was the funniest thing ever.

"Because he is extremely unpopular, I guess no one cared enough to mention it to you." She said in a sad tone. Of course she would feel sorry for him, she was too nice sometimes.

"Anyways!" Lily tried to get their attention back to what she had been saying.

"Yeah invite whoever you think you should. Just do whatever you want with the whole party, it'll be a surprise." The saying it would be surprise part was just his way of sneakily getting out of any sort of thing he would have to do to help plan it.

"Wow, that's a little unexpected coming from you." Serena said.

"Yeah," He didn't want to admit that he kept on changing, "well, I'm going to head off to school." He pushed his chair back and grabbed his bag that was nearby. "I'll see you guys there."

Serena and Eric still enjoyed walking to school while Chuck preferred to take his limo. They each said goodbye to him and he left the suite.

Lily stared at her plate and pondered something, "Should I invite Blair?" She looked up and asked them.

Her two children turned and looked at each other then turned back to her. "I would say most definitely." Serena stated, sure of her answer.

"He would want her to be there." Eric backed his sister up.

"If he found out you didn't invite her, he would most likely storm out in a violent rage, killing everyone in his path." She joked.

___________________________________________________________________________________________________

"Hey, Chuck. How's it going?" Some guy asked him as he was walking into school.

"Do I know you?" Chuck asked him rudely.

"Uh, yeah kinda. I'm in your calculus class."

"And why are you talking to me?"

"Well I know that you have a thing for Blair Waldorf and I just didn't know if you guys were dating."

"No, we aren't. Why were you wondering this?"

"I wanted to know if she was single…I like her."

The guy had followed him as he walked further into the school.

"You like her?" He stopped and gave him a glare.

He was intimidated by this look and he stuttered over his words. "Uh, uh, ye- yeah."

"Well I hope you don't think you actually stand a chance." He almost laughed at him.

He gulped and awkwardly left, Chuck had obviously intimidated him. He continued to walk to class, he saw the guy hovering around Blair in the courtyard. She was sitting with her friends at one of the tables. Chuck purposefully ran into the guys shoulder and made him stumble. He kept on walking as if he didn't notice he had bumped him, but his smirk said otherwise.

Blair turned and saw the frazzled guy, she didn't care about him. She watched Chuck walking away. "Can I help you with something? You've been lurking for awhile." She addressed him.

"Uh, uh well…I kind of wanted to ask you on a date sometime." He nervously fidgeted.

"No, I'm taken." Even though she knew that wasn't entirely true.

"Oh you mean by Chuck Bass? He told me you guys weren't dating."

It took her a second to think of a reply, "We aren't…I was talking about someone else. Who are you anyways?"

Without replying he walked briskly out of her sight.

Penelope laughed at the poor boy, while Hazel made a remark about how she wished she had boys falling all over her. Blair ignored them and looked around to see if Chuck was nearby.

"What, B?" Isabel asked her.

"Oh, nothing." She brought her eyes quickly back to her small group of friends.

"She was just looking for the guy she actually wants." Penelope smiled evilly at her.

"Blair, please tell me how you got Chuck to be so interested in you. I mean he was like the man who couldn't be moved, you're the only one he has ever really been interested in." Hazel pleaded for some advice.

"Yes, please tell us." Nelly chimed in.

Blair did love a good following, but she thought she needed to find some less pathetic ones. "I don't know. I didn't do anything." She didn't even like to talk about Chuck to Serena very much, why would she like talking about him to them?

"He just liked me for me, I guess."

"Chuck Bass…liked _you_? You think he liked your personality?" Penelope gaped at her.

"He must've thought having sex with you was amazing." Hazel rationalized.

"That's not the only thing he liked!" She hissed back at them.

"Apparently he liked something about her." Nelly partly defended her.

"Shut up, Nelly!" Blair moved her way off the bench and stormed away, hurt.

Chuck did not just like her for the sex! Right?

She didn't know. He had never told her anything that he liked about her…or maybe he did. He always said she was beautiful and loved what a schemer she was. And he obviously liked the sex. Was that all he liked?

She held a quick pace to her locker.

Ever since Nate had asked her why she was in love with Chuck she had been thinking deeply about it. What made her feel so attracted to him? It was clear her body wanted him, so did her heart, but her brain had always said he would never be right for her.

Now all her brain could think about were ways to get him back to her.

The bell rang through out the empty halls. But she was still completely alone.

She felt a single tear slide down her cheek.

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________

The next day, Lily sifted through tons of papers looking for the guest list. She had managed to get everything together in a matter of 24 hours. Just a few last minute guests to call. She went down her list and saw she had not yet called Blair. She dialed her number and held the phone up to her ear, "Hello Dorota, its Lily Van der Woodsen. May I speak to Blair please?" She heard Dorota calling for Blair on the other end.

"Yes?" Blair answered out of breath, she had come running. "Is everything okay?" she had thought the worst of Lily calling her, since the last time she had gotten an unexpected call from her was when she informed her Chuck was in the hospital after his accident.

"Oh yes everything is fine, no need to worry." She reassured her. "I just called to invite you to the party, officially. I'm sure Serena has said something about it to you."

"What party?" Blair asked confused, still catching her breath.

"Charles' birthday party that I'm throwing for him. She didn't mention it?"

"Uh, no, she must've forgotten. It happens to the best of us." She put on her big fake smile, despite being on the phone, to hide her anger.

"Well I'm inviting you to Charles' 18th birthday party. It's going to be on Friday at the…" Lily explained all the details of the party.

Blair was silent for a moment, "Did Chuck ask you to invite me?"

"No, but the kids told me that he would definitely want you there and would throw a fit if you weren't."

She smiled at the thought of 18-year-old Chuck throwing a fit like a 2-year-old. Rolling on the ground and kicking his legs. She knew that would never happen in a million years, but it was a funny idea. "I'll be there." She said without hesitation.

Blair was glad they came upon the decision to invite her rather than not, if she wasn't invited she would've hated Serena and Eric for the rest of their natural born lives.

"Good. I'm very glad. Chuck will be too."

"Does he know you're throwing a party for him?"

"Yes. A little unbelievable that he agreed to it, I know." Lily shuffled through her papers again, assessing everything that needed to be done.

"Yes it is." Blair let out a small laugh.

She and Lily made a little small talk before they both said goodbye and ended the phone call.

The stress hit her very suddenly, "Dorota!!!"

Dorota came rushing into the room when she called, "Yes, Miss Blair?"

"We're going shopping! Now!"

Dorota got their bags and coats and entered the elevator with Blair. "Are you shopping for present or outfit to wear?"

"Both." She had no idea what she was going to get him, what the hell would he want? A bottle of scotch? Pack of cigarettes? Maybe she should buy some weed for him.

Her clothing was a whole other debacle.

She hated being invited to a party on such short notice, it just made it worse that it was Chuck's party.

__________________________________________________________________________________________________

The remaining days until Chuck's birthday passed too fast for Blair and Lily. The both felt like they were nowhere near ready for it. Lily had planned everything perfectly, but she still couldn't stop changing her mind and giving the servants different orders every five minutes.

Blair on the other hand had nothing to keep her nervous mind busy so she took all her frustration out on Dorota.

The main thing on her mind was what if Chuck didn't want her to come to his party after all? And if that was the case, she just prayed he wouldn't embarrass her in front everybody. But he never was one to draw attention to himself by causing a scene, so the odds of that happening weren't very high.

As Chuck and the Van der Woodsens sat around the breakfast table, he asked Lily if he would be able to skip school today. She didn't see anything wrong with it, it was his birthday. She wanted to know why he wanted to miss school today, but she was learning never to pry with Chuck, if he wanted to tell you he would.

Serena and Eric soon left for school and Lily left to make sure all the preparations for the party were going smoothly. When everyone had left Chuck headed out in his limo, back to the cemetery where he had been not to long ago. This time to visit his mother. He brought her daisies, which her supposedly her favorite flowers. He had seen her with a small bouquet of them in her and his father's wedding picture. His dad had also mentioned once about how much she liked them, he said he always made fun of her because he thought they were 'cheap' flowers.

He set the daisies on the grass in front of the headstone.

This was different than when he had visited his father. He had things he wanted to say to him, even if they weren't directly to his face. Chuck had never seen his mother before, never heard her voice, the only tangible thing he had of her were pictures. He had no idea what to say to her.

It was a shame that he had to share his birthday with the day his mother died. He always thought about her on this day. How could he not?

After standing there a few minutes, he left. There was nothing else to do.

When he went home he wanted to pour a glass of scotch but he knew that would lead him to another one and another one. Soon he would be drunk out of his mind at his own party. So he stayed away from the alcohol.

He went to his room and thought about opening up a book and relaxing, he hadn't done that in awhile. But somehow he was drawn to his closet, up on the top shelf was an old box of photos. He pulled it down and dropped it onto his bed. The top layer of pictures was dusty and torn.

He started looking through them, something totally un-Chuck like. Most of the photos of were of his parents before he was born. Some were of school pictures of him or pictures taken when he was with Nate, Serena, and Blair. Very few were of him and his father.

Chuck sat there, flipping through the pictures, for some time. Eventually he had gotten through the whole box. He put it back in his closet, apart from a few pictures he had set aside to leave out. One of him and his dad when he was much younger and the others were of him and his friends, he stuck those ones in his pocket.

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________

Serena, Eric, and Chuck were all silent as they rode over in his limo to the party. He was sure they didn't know what to say, they most likely thought he was pissed about this party.

He wasn't. He knew Lily was trying to do something nice for him, something some what motherly.

When they arrived, Eric and Serena hurried out of the vehicle and Chuck just hung back. They entered the building first, then him.

He stepped inside and stood in awe at how many people were there. Everyone had stopped mingling and dancing and was now facing him, clapping. He had just arrived and they were clapping? He thought it was strange, but lily had probably thought it was necessary.

Eric, Serena, and his step-mom smiled at him and clapped too. Once the clapping died down everybody started back up with what they were doing.

"Look, we didn't even make him blush." Serena poked at his cheek playfully.

"Of course not." Eric said and laughed.

They both walked off after giving him gentle hugs.

"Well, I hope you like it." Lily told him, looking out on the party.

"Yeah, it looks great." He also looked around the giant ballroom-like place. It was the same place Lily had the Snowflake Ball. Even though the night of that dance was one of the worst nights in Chuck's whole life.

"I know that this place may not hold pleasant memories for you, but I thought this could signify moving on."

"Yeah, it's fine."

She then pulled out a manila folder. "Here's what I promised you could have."

He took it from her and pulled out a stack of papers, "Bass Industries?" He looked at the papers than back at her, hopeful.

"That's all the paperwork to hand the whole company over to you." She smiled.

He was speechless for a minute, "Thank you."

Lily pulled him into a hug, "You're welcome. Happy Birthday." She put her hands on his cheeks, looking into his eyes. Again being motherly. "Now, have a good party! I'll hang onto those for you." She took the papers from him and pushed him off into the crowd.

Everyone glanced at him and smiled when he walked by. He had never seen so many people seem happy to see him.

Before he could really go anywhere a hand clamped down on his shoulder, "Chuck."

He turned and saw Nate standing before him. "Why are you here?" He asked, disgusted.

"What do you mean? I'm your best friend."

"_Were. _You were my best friend. Get it right." He said angrily and tried to walk away, but Nate grabbed his arm. "Do you want me to punch you again?" He held up his fist, showing he wasn't afraid to do it.

"I don't care how much you hate me, Chuck. You're my best friend. Always have been. No matter what you did, no matter what I did. I've never known another best friend. And I know you'll find it somewhere in your heart to forgive me. Because I was in your position once, and I forgave you."

"In my position?! You never loved Blair so much you tried to kill yourself! I fell for her after you guys had broken up, after you treated her horribly! Don't ever say you were in my position. You never cared about Blair the way I did."

Nate was silent; he stared at Chuck with his puppy dog eyes. "I'm sorry."

"You still took the only girl I've ever loved. Saying sorry doesn't make what happened go away. There's no way that I can be your best friend if you treated me like that after I almost killed myself. You don't treat your best friend that way."

He looked into Nate's eyes for a moment, but before he could say anything in reply, Chuck walked off.

__________________________________________________________________________________________________

Chuck sat on a bench on the upper level of the room. Not many people were around to bother him, he didn't feel like partying with a bunch of people who barely knew him and probably only came because it was a party. And one thrown for Chuck Bass had to be good.

He gazed in front of him absent mindedly, watching the people below him laugh and dance.

Blair crept up the stairs and slowly approached him. When she set herself lightly next to him on the bench she snapped him out of his daydreaming. Neither one of them looked at each other. Chuck just kept looking ahead and so did she.

After a quiet minute Blair said, "I wish I could pinpoint the exact moment when everything changed." She still didn't turn to look at him, "When the four of us stopped being the close group of friends we were and became the lying, cheating bunch." She went on after a pause, "I guess it would be before you and I, before Nate and I broke up, even before Serena came back. I wish I could go back."

"Why?" Chuck didn't look at her, but his eyes were now at his hands.

She finally turned to him and he tuned to her. "So I could change everything. So I could keep us the group of four friends. It would prevent all this pain we went through. Especially you. If stopping this pain from ever happening to you meant never having you, I would do it."

"I wouldn't," he had a grim expression. "You're the best thing that ever happened to me. Even with all the pain."

Blair felt like crying. He had never said such sweet and honest words to her. Nothing would come out of her mouth; she wanted to say so many things. But she just gaped at him with her open mouth and wide eyes.

He pulled out the pictures he had stashed in his pocket and handed them to her.

The top one was of Serena, Nate, Chuck, and her all at the park, playing when they were young. The second one they were in their tween years, Chuck was giving Blair a piggy back ride while Nate was giving one to Serena. She remembered Serena had gotten mad at Chuck for some reason that day so she refused to let him give her a piggy back ride, the whole reason Blair was on Chuck's back instead of Nate's. She giggled at how happy they seemed. The last one was of them when they were on summer vacation at the age of 15. They were at Nate's house in the Hampton's, Nate and Serena were playing in the pool and Chuck and her were lying out in the sun. She smiled at the photo.

"I thought I looked really gay in that picture, I had to show you." He smiled lightly at her.

She let out a big laugh, "Yeah, you really do. I like this one." She showed him the piggy back riding one.

"I was just looking through a box of pictures and found them, you can keep them."

"Just looking through pictures? Very UN-you. But I couldn't keep them, here."

"No, I highly doubt I'm ever going to take that box out again, so they would just sit there gathering dust. You should keep them." He insisted.

She didn't argue anymore and set them on the bench next to her. There was silence a few more seconds.

"I should give you your present." She shuffled for something in her purse. "Don't look!" She peeked over her shoulder and saw Chuck trying to see what it was.

"I can't believe you got me something."

"Well, I did. Close your eyes and hold out your hand."

He still had his eyes open a crack and saw her hand clenched around something small.

"Close your eyes!" She yelled at him.

Once he did, she slid her hand onto his and let something very small drop into it. "Okay you can open now."

He opened his eyes and Blair's gold heart-shaped pin was set in his hand. She watched his eyes grow a tad bigger with surprise.

He was shocked to see that she had given it to him, it meant a lot to her. And the people she gave it to meant a lot to her.

"I know. We're not a couple or anything. And I don't know if we will be, but I want you to have it. Forever. I'm not going to ask for it back like I did with Nate and Marcus. It's yours. No matter whom I'm with, or who you're with. It'll always be yours."

Chuck rolled his fingers over the pin; he wanted her to give him that damn pin for over a year. And now he had it, he had no idea what to say.

She was he was searching for the right words to say, but he couldn't find any so she pulled him into an embrace. She nestled her had next to his, he finally whispered, "Thank you." into her ear.

Blair saw some girls that looked as if they were approaching them and would soon interrupt their conversation. "I have something else for you, but I'll give it to you later."

Before he could question her, she pulled out of their hug and stood up from the bench. The group of girls then came up behind him and got his attention. She slowly slipped away while his back was turned. When he stopped listening to the girls telling him happy birthday and how awesome his party was he turned around to look for Blair, but she was nowhere in sight.

______________________________________________________________________________________________________

Chuck walked dully around the party, having people greet him and say happy birthday, as they should. Lily forced him to blow out candles on the cake, which equaled total embarrassment for him.

The clapping started again when all the flames from the candles were gone. He had a very small piece of cake; he really wasn't in the mood for it with all those people making him nervous.

He tried to look around the whole room to see if Blair was nearby, but she nowhere to be found. Dan approached him once and wished him a happy birthday; Nate also tried to talk to him again. But he dodged that conversation.

While Lily was busy mingling with a group of people, he snuck out and told the limo driver to take him home. Blair had ruined the party for him. All he could think about was that pin. He took it out of his pocket and held it in his hand; it couldn't be bigger than a penny. He needed to put it in a safe place so he wasn't to lose it. That little pin was the more important than his limo or his scarf at the moment.

There was hardly any traffic on the way home, so it was a smooth and steady paced ride. The driver opened the door of the limo then the doorman opened the door to the hotel. He put the pin in his pocket until he was safe in his room; he got in the elevator and rode up. Once inside the apartment he slid of his coat and draped it over his arm. Everything, except his shoes tapping on the floor as he walked, was silent.

Chuck immediately stopped when he had gotten close enough to his bedroom to see a flickering light coming from underneath the door. Was this another surprise from Lily or was his room on fire?

He turned the knob slowly then stepped through the doorway…he didn't need to flip on the light switch. It was lit enough from the candles all over.

Blair sat on his bed, in black and red lacy barely there lingerie. Her legs were crossed in a very lady-like way, very Blair. Her long brown curls were let loose. Extremely gorgeous.

His mouth was slightly open, in awe, as he took a few small steps forward.

She fidgeted a little, she was unaware what his face meant. Was he accepting or denying her? She kept the seducting gleam in her eye.

Once he stood still closer to the bed, but not within reaching distance she said, "Happy Birthday."

The sexy tone of her voice made his blood rush, but he was unable to speak. She got up from the bed and took a few steps towards him, "This was the other present I was talking about but," she paused, taking in the look he had on his face, "it was a bad idea. I'm really stupid, I shouldn't have done this. I'll leave." she walked around him and headed for the door. Before she could exit he spun around and grabbed onto her hand, stopping her. She was jerked back from the firm grip Chuck had.

"I don't want you to leave." He spun her around so she was by the bed again and away from the door, he didn't want her to make a run for it.

He leaned forward and kissed her lips, gently, lovingly. When he pulled away her big doe eyes fluttered open and gaped up at him. That was the kiss she had been waiting for and wanting. It wasn't the kind they usually had, like the I want you so bad kiss. But the I care about you and you're meant to be with me kiss. Perfection was what it was.

She reached up to kiss him again, but he pushed her down. "Blair," He begun but she got the wrong idea.

"Oh, I'm sorry, I just thought that…I didn't mean to push you-"

"Blair, stop. Listen to me."

She quieted down and stared at him.

"I don't want to be away from you anymore. I want you, only you. I've wanted only you for a long time." He took her hands in his, and got closer to her. There was silence between the both of them. Then Chuck took in a breath of hair and grabbed her hands tighter, "I love you." He said slowly. As if he was saying some of his first words. But it wasn't hesitation, he was sure of it.

Blair's eyes got wider and her lips parted. Her jaw didn't drop to the floor but she felt like it should.

The absence of words in Blair's mouth made him nervous and he started talking again, in a hurried tone, "I've always loved you. I just didn't know till you danced for me at Victrola, that's when I saw you. I realized you weren't really Nate's picture perfect girlfriend. I wanted you to be mine, I wanted to make you happy. And when you rejected me for Nate it broke my heart, I'd never had my heart broken before. I didn't know how it felt to be jealous like that. I did some horrible things, but I did them all for you. Because that's what I thought I had to do to win you…" He continued, talking a million miles an hour. He confessed every thought and feeling he ever had about her. She tried to read his eyes and watch how fast his mouth was moving.

To get him to stop talking and calm down, she pulled his head towards hers for a kiss. Her tongue glided against his, and she melted into him.

Everything that he needed to say to her, he had just said.

She felt like her adrenaline rushing as she kissed him harder. He pulled his arms out of his jacket and she started unbuttoning his shirt, all with out letting their lips be separated from each others. He undid his pants to. Now only wearing his boxers, he pushed Blair onto his bed and got on top of her. "Blair, I love you." He looked at her. She bit at his lip but he said it again, "I love you."

She slipped off her tight, sexy lingerie top. Her breasts were now exposed to him. Then she freed herself from the bottoms and took the liberty of taking off Chuck's boxers too.

They began doing what Chuck and Blair do best. All the while she was whimpering and he was groaning, "I love you."


	20. Chapter 20

Blair snuggled against Chuck's naked body. Feeling like she was the happiest she could ever be. Like no one in the world was this happy. She had him. Finally. He had said those three words.

Chuck was ecstatic too. He felt like everything was finally falling into place. God was finally giving him something, rather than taking it away. He had his arm set on her waist and it gently wrapped around her back. Her bare, silky smooth back.

His fingertips slightly traced over her curves. Taking in everything about her body. He hadn't seen it in a while. He had missed it.

She took him in too. But instead with her eyes. She watched his eyes, enchanted, as they swept over every inch of her being. Then they reached her face and looked straight into her eyes. His amazing brown eyes, they were all she had dreamt of for months.

Blair touched his lips lightly with hers. Slowly. Enjoying it. She didn't stay on them long enough to be lingering, just a small peck.

Chuck smiled. Grinned. The edges of his mouth were pulled up by the muscles in his face.

"I don't think I've ever seen you smile like that." She stated, smiling back. His smile made her smile.

"I don't think I've ever been this happy before." He said back.

The words that came from his mouth silenced her for a moment. He was perfect. "I love you." She hadn't said it back to him since he had said, and she thought she should.

"Well, you know I love you too." He chuckled and inched his face closer to hers on his pillows.

She giggled, "Yeah, I do know."

They laid, staring at each others eyes for a few minutes before Blair spoke again, "Do you forgive me?"

"Yes." He said simply and truthfully.

"Do you really?"

"Yes, Blair, I really do."

"Okay…" She replied quietly and nestled in him again.

"You don't believe me? This wouldn't be happening right now if I hadn't forgiven you."

"I know. I just thought it would take longer for you to forgive what I did. I was awful. I ruined your life. Everything was my fault."

He said nothing. He partially agreed with her. She had ruined his life. But she was also the one who made everything alright again. She was always the worst and best thing that ever happened to him.

But not all of it was her fault. Nate had played his part.

"I just want to know why, I guess." He told her. "Why did you get back together with him?" It was difficult for Chuck to mention his name, it churned his stomach.

"I guess…everything in my life was falling apart. I thought if I was with Nate he could out it back together again, fix it. My life could be like it used too. Before everything happened and it fell apart. I didn't think you could make it better. I didn't think you would be there for me like I needed." Tears started to well up in her eyes, "I'm sorry."

Not wanting tears to escape from her eyes, he kissed every spot on her face. He cheeks, nose, mouth. She closed her eyes and he kissed her eyelids. Then her forehead.

His touch relaxed her. Any stress that had built up in two minutes was gone. The only thing on her mind was him. She kissed him back the way he had kissed her. Cheeks, nose, mouth, eyelids, forehead.

Chuck rolled on top of her, both still naked. He got into kissing her again. And he let his body, large compared to hers, press down on her.

She wasn't getting much air, not because of him laying on her, but because her way of getting most of her air supply was blocked by his tongue shoved into her mouth. But she paid no attention to herself gasping for air. She was too preoccupied by Chuck. Kissing her, lying naked on top of her. Heavenly.

"Mmm…" She pulled away for a second, "So does this mean we're dating? Boyfriend and girlfriend?"

"Yes. Unless you don't want to date." He said knowing she surely wanted to have a real relationship with him.

"No! Of course I do!" She explained hurriedly before he looped his tongue around hers.

He pulled away and laughed at her and she squinted her eyes at him.

"Thanks for the pin." He whispered in her ear a minute later.

"You're welcome." She caressed his cheek.

They were in no way trying to elude the silence that would come to them. They loved being close to each other like this.

"You kept your promise." Chuck said suddenly remembering something.

"What promise?"

"When we were in junior high, we made a bet. And the deal was if I was STD free by my eighteenth birthday then you would kiss me. With tongue. For at least a minute, or something like that." He told her with a smile.

Blair giggled, "I remember that now…And I did a little more than kiss you." Their lips came together again.

______________________________________________________________________________________________________

Chuck and Blair stepped out of the limo and shut the door. Before they walked through the gates of school, they took hold of one another's hand. They didn't bother to even look at the other people who were staring at them. They weren't going to give them the satisfaction of causing a scene. The two of them were happy together, no one else mattered.

Some other students pulled out their phones and snapped pictures of them. They would be Gossip Girl's top story today.

They walked into the courtyard and sat down at a table. Still, no longer caring that everyone seemed to be interested in what they were doing.

"I'll probably get called a slut again, today." She snuggled into Chuck's chest, avoiding the eyes of all the girls glaring at her.

"They're just jealous." He put his hand on her leg.

"I know." Blair said, full of herself, and smiled.

He chuckled, brushed away her hair, and kissed her neck. People stared in awe. Everyone knew Chuck and Blair had a thing for each other, but they never showed affection in public. Even when Chuck came back to school and they were 'together' for a short period of time, they had hid from everyone.

"People leave me alone for the most part, so I don't think I'll have any problems." He kissed her neck once more.

"It's because they're intimidated. They know you're better than them."

"Of course I am…I'm Chuck Bass." He said, almost making fun of himself.

Blair burst out laughing.

Chuck was mesmerized by her beauty. Now that it was almost summer, the sun shown on her brown hair, making the different shades shimmer. Her cheeks were rosy red and her lips matched them.

Her laughter stopped, but he continued staring. "What?" She asked, "Is there something on my face?" She touched, trying to feel if there was anything on it.

"No. No. You're perfect."

That made her smile again and she kissed his lips as a reward for such a nice compliment.

"I can go on and on about how wonderful you are if you want to keep kissing me."

"Oh yes, do go on." She giggled and held his face waiting for another comment do she could kiss him.

"Your smile is beautiful." He told her.

"Aw." She kissed him.

"You're very intelligent. And bitchy, and that's good in my book."

Another kiss.

"You have a great ass and are amazing in bed."

She raised her eyebrows at him, but kissed him.

"I think that deserves two kisses." Chuck said, wanting more.

She laughed and kissed him, longer this time. Holding onto his neck and leaning into him.

They were unaware of it, but Nate was lurking around, watching them. He was waiting for a time when the would separate and he could talk to Chuck alone. He saw how well they went together, he had never noticed how happy Blair made Chuck. He had never seen his best friend smile so much since they were kids. Even then he wasn't the smiling type.

He grabbed a notebook out of Blair's bag that was set on the table and flipped through the pages. "What are you doing?" She asked him.

"Just seeing if you've doodled Mrs. Chuck Bass anywhere." He smirked and continued looking.

"Oh you're ridiculous!" She snatched the notebook away and stuck it back in her bag. "I'm not some infatuated thirteen-year-old."

This was very unnatural to Nate. Weird. Awkward. These were not the same Blair Waldorf and Chuck Bass he knew.

The Blair he dated was not the type to play around and have fun. She always seemed to have a stick up her ass. And Chuck, he wasn't one to have girlfriends and tease them like he was doing. He was all about conquest. Getting yet another girl to sleep with him. The only part he had to do with who they were on the inside was being inside.

Nate felt stupid for never realizing how much they loved each other. He never thought they liked one another very much when they were kids.

"_Nate, I was wondering if you wanted to do something tonight…" Blair linked her arm through her boyfriend's. He was walking along side Chuck on there wat to school. She was bored because Serena was sick and wasn't coming today. Nate turned to look at her, despite that his best friend was talking to him. "We haven't done anything alone lately…so I was wondering if you wanted to._

_He smiled, "Of cour-" He didn't get to finish his sentence._

"_Shut up Blair! I'm trying to tell your damn boyfriend something." Chuck interrupted and yelled at Blair._

"_You shut up! He doesn't want to hear about the girl you fucked last night." She retorted, snottily._

"_Fuck you!"_

"_You don't talk about anything else but having sex. Its rather boring."_

"_And all I hear you ever doing is nagging Nathaniel here, to do more stuff with you. You're annoying as hell!" _

"_You're the biggest scumbag I've ever known!"_

"_You know you want me." Chuck said, cockily._

_Rather than get mad by his remark to his girlfriend, Nate covered his mouth and tried not to laugh._

_Blair saw no humor in it. She stepped towards Chuck, brought her hands to his shoulders and pushed him as hard as she possibly could. _

_It was hard enough to make him loose his balance, he tripped backwards and fell to the ground. His shoulder landing on a large rock. _

_Chuck cried out in pain and she screamed, "I can't see how any girl could ever want you! You're disgusting!"_

"_Bitch! You fuckin' broke my arm!" He yelped in pain, clutching his shoulder area._

_Her eyes got wide as she realized she had truly injured him. Chuck wouldn't role around on the ground, humiliating himself, if it wasn't for real. She stood still, not knowing what to do. Nate bent down and tried to help him up. "Blair! Help me!" He snapped at her. He wasn't strong enough to get him up by himself. He had been rather scrawny at 14. She rushed over to his other side, the side where he was hurt._

_Chuck glared at her as she carefully put her hand on his back, "I don't know how to get him up, I don't want to hurt him."_

"_Grab his waist here."_

_She reached her arm over his stomach and grabbed the opposite side of him. Nate was holding his other arm. They pulled him off the ground and into a standing position._

"_Are you okay?" Nate asked him, concerned._

"_No I'm not okay! I can't move my arm!"_

_They didn't make it to school that day. They hailed a cab as fast as they could and rode to the hospital. Chuck groaned the whole way there. Blair was brushing his hair back, he was sweating bullets. He squeezed her hand tightly. He wasn't going to squeeze Nate's hand and she was the only person there. Nate didn't notice, though. He was busy yelling at the cab driver to go faster. _

_She felt terrible, she'd never seen Chuck like this. In so much pain. It was horrible knowing she had done it purposefully. "It's okay, we're almost there." She kept telling him. She shushed his groaning. Comforting him._

_They rushed into the hospital and demanded immediate attention. "I'm sorry we are very busy. You're friend doesn't appear to be dying at this very moment so we need to help others first."_

_Chuck still held Blair's hand. She was his only support from the pain. He was very sweaty, but she didn't care. She just wanted to get him help. "Listen here lady! Do you know who this? The son of Bart Bass. I don't think he'd be very happy to hear his son had to wait to be seen when he was in so much pain." _

"_I can bring you to a room, it just may take awhile for a doctor to become available." She grabbed a clipboard and lead them back to a room and had Chuck sit on the hospital bed. "I just need you to write down some of your information down here." She handed him the clipboard._

"_I can't. My write with my left hand, that's the one that hurt." He didn't even try to move it, knowing it would cause unbearable._

"_Here, I'll write for you." Blair took the clipboard and sat down in a chair by the bed._

_Nate left to call their parents. He didn't know what happened after that._

_The woman left the room too, and Chuck and Blair were alone._

"_Okay, your full name is…Charles Bass." She wrote it down. "What's your middle initial?" _

"_B." He grunted. She watched concerned as he clutched his left elbow, holding his arm tightly to his body._

"_Your birthday is…" _

"_May nine-" He began to answer._

"_I know what it is. I was just talking out loud. May 19__th__, 1991." She wrote it down._

_Blair asked him the questions she didn't know. Which weren't many. _

"_I guess you know me better than I thought you did." _

_She smiled, set the clipboard down, and joined him on the hospital bed. He squeezed her hand again. It somehow relieved a little of the pain._

"_I'm sorry." She whispered to him._

"_It's okay. I'm sure you didn't mean to break my arm." _

"_You never know." She joked, he smiled a tad. _

_Someone knocked on the door, they didn't bother to wait for an answer and just stepped in. "Hello, I'm Dr. Stein." He reached for Chuck's hand for a shake. He didn't take it, he wouldn't move his left arm and he didn't want to let go of Blair's hand with his right._

_The doctor read the clipboard with all the information Blair had written down. "You hurt your arm? Falling?"_

"_Yes." Blair said before Chuck could answer. "That's what it says doesn't it?" _

"_Uh, yes." He was taken aback from the way Blair had said it. Probably not many 14-year-olds talked to him like that. "Well, I think we should take you to get an x-ray. If it really hurts to bad to move it."_

"_Yes, it really hurts that bad!" Chuck said to him._

"_Okay, I'll take you down there now…would you like your girlfriend to come with you?"_

_An awkward moment enveloped Chuck and Blair, they both looked down at their hands intertwined. "I'm not his girlfriend." She said._

_Chuck wasn't sure what to say, but he finally said something. "No, it's okay. She can stay here." He yanked his hand from hers and stepped off the bed._

_Their nice moment was gone. _

_He followed the doctor out the door._

_Blair knew when he came back they would no longer be on good terms. The doctor's girlfriend comment had snapped him back into reality. She wasn't his girlfriend, she was Nate's. He shouldn't be holding her hand like that._

_When he returned to the room, Nate was back. They waited for awhile until the doctor came in with the x-rays. "See here? You're shoulder has a small crack in it. It can be very painful, even at that small size." He pointed to the spot on the x-ray._

"_So I broke my shoulder? What are you gonna do to fix it?"_

"_The only thing we can really do is give you a splint so you can keep it still and not use. And I would have to give you pain medication. We can't really put a cast on your shoulder."_

_Dr. Stein left after telling Chuck a few more things, he said the nurse would bring him his prescription for the pain meds. _

"_Wow, Blair. Way to go. You cracked my shoulder." He sarcastically told her._

"_It's what you get for being such an ass."_

_And Nate never knew about their somewhat sweet and tender moment together._

Nate decided he would talk to Chuck another time. He was too happy with Blair right now. He didn't want to interrupt.

He knew Chuck would be pissed if he did. And he would come to the conclusion that he was jealous and was trying to get between Blair and him. Which was the last thing he wanted.

So he slipped away until the happy couple was out of sight.

________________________________________________________________________________________________

"I hope you don't have any plans the night of graduation." Serena told Chuck and Blair as she sat at the same table as them.

Blair was almost hesitant to let her sit with them. She wanted to be alone with Chuck. But she knew asking her to leave now would be utterly rude. So she kept quiet.

"Why what's going on then?" Chuck asked. He had no lunch unlike his girlfriend and stepsister, they daintily ate their yogurt while he sat close to Blair.

"I'm throwing the biggest party. You guys better come."

"I thought you were done throwing parties." Blair said, as she stuck the spoon in her mouth again.

"Well this is my last time to throw a party like this. We're graduating High School! Growing up. It's quite sad actually." She started out happy then hung her head as she realized how nostalgic she would be for these days.

"Oh please Serena! You know you're going to throw many parties in college." She scoffed at her friend.

"That's what college is all about." He agreed.

Serena nodded and picked up her head, "Hey, what colleges have you guys decided on anyways?"

"I'm not going to college. Going to run my dad's company." Chuck told her then solemnly looked at Blair, knowing this was a sore subject for her. Yale was her dream. She had not wanted something more her whole life. And now it was gone. She hadn't gotten her happy ending.

"I still haven't decided." She said with a fake smile that showed no teeth. 'I still haven't decided.' was code for 'No place has accepted me yet.'

No words were said for a long while. Serena didn't know why she had asked that question. She wanted to hit herself over the head. She excused herself from the table and said goodbye, "Clear your schedules for my party! Hey Chuck, I'm throwing at Victrola, just to let you know."

Graduation was in two days. Two days left of High School. Chuck wouldn't miss it. He didn't have anything to miss. He wouldn't have to see the people he despised everyday, so that was a plus. All the people he did care to see, like Blair, he would see all the time anyways. There was nothing bad about school coming to an end.

Blair spun her spoon around in her yogurt, her brain numb.

"I'm sorry." He whispered.

"For what? You didn't do anything." She whipped her head around to look at him.

"I'm sorry your life didn't turn out as planned. You didn't end up with Nate like you wanted since you were young. You're not going to Yale like you always dreamed. You have me. And I bet you never planned on that happening in a million years." He held both of her hands in his.

"Chuck, for a whole year all I've wanted was you. And now I have you. That's the most important thing to me. I can live without Yale. I can't live without you."

There lips gravitated towards each other, and the bell rang. Lunch was over.

**Guess what! I'm planning on writing only one more chapter. Sad, I know. Please review this chapter for me! I love to hear what you think about it. Its what keeps me going. And…I'm planning on writing a sequel. Which will be very different from this one, though. But I can't tell you the details cause I don't want to ruin the ending of this one. ;)**


	21. Chapter 21

_**The beginning of the end. I hope you are ready for the last chapter! Cause here it is!**_

_**Sorry if the whole thing is bolded and underlined!!! NOT MY FAULT. So no more hateful comments about it. I don't know how to fix it, its not like that on my word document. **_

_**______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________**_

_Blair, surprisingly, was asked very few questions about Chuck. Maybe some looks here and there. But she guessed people were no longer interested in what was going on with them…or maybe too scared to ask anything. _

_Chuck was asked nothing, too. But that was because he was sure the other guys were afraid to be put in the hospital like the freak that tried to mess with him before._

_School was stressful. They were taking final exams because of the fact there were only two days left of school. The last tests of high school. Chuck, of course, didn't study. He never studied. But since he had been doing most of his work lately he knew a lot of the answers. That was rare for him. Blair, of course, did study. She had been studying that whole two week period where her and Chuck were not seeing each other. She had nothing better to do. _

_Blair tried as hard as she could to finish the test first in her class, but was beat by Nelly Yuki by only minutes. It killed her to see her turn her paper in first, knowing that she was also getting Yale. _

_She had told Chuck it didn't matter. It didn't matter as much as him, but still. It did matter to her. It had been her dream since…she couldn't even remember the time when she had first started wanting to go to Yale. It was just a given for her to go there. _

_But she thought, once upon a time, that it was a given to marry Nate. Things change, she realized. Hopes and dreams change. Chuck was her dream now. Not the prince, but rather Romeo. And she, Juliet. Not some lowly Cinderella. She was probably never satisfied in their sex life anyways, she joked in her head, remembering a few nights prior. When she had been more than satisfied. Chuck was a god in bed, another joke left unspoken. People could never understand what was so great about having sex with him unless they had experienced themselves. Although, she was hoping no one but her would get to experience for a very long while._

_Blair looked around the room at the people still taking their tests. She could swear some were sweating. She cockily slid out of the desk and handed her paper to the teacher. She walked back, swinging her hips, snootily._

_Chuck breezed through his test. Was confident about all his answers. No problem at all. He was one of the first people done. A miracle. _

_The bell rang about fifty minutes later, but the teacher stopped him before he could walk out of the room, "Wait, Chuck, I would like to speak to you." _

_He went on to say how proud he was of Chuck for doing so well in school lately. But then he told him what he scored on the test he had just taken. The teacher was unfortunately a fast grader._

_Blair was waiting outside the gates of school for him. She tapped her foot, why was he taking so long?_

_A guy approached her…creepily. "Hey, Blair. What are you doing?"_

"_Do I know you?" She asked in a snobby way._

"_I talked to you…once before. I asked you if you wanted to go on a date sometime." He hung his head, sheepishly._

_The memory hit her. And she had said no, she was taken, even though it wasn't true. "Oh yes, I remember. I'm just waiting for Chuck." _

"_Oh yeah. You guys are going out again?"_

"_Yeah…but this is like our first official time." She didn't know why she was talking to this stranger. She guessed she felt like she was doing him some sort of favor. _

"_Oh I see. Well congratulations…I guess." Then he said somewhat ender his breath, "Even though I don't know what you see in him."_

"_Well people don't know him like I do. Tell me one thing that you know about him…other than what you've just heard."_

"_He's a total jerk. I know from experience. He laughed at me when I said I was going to ask you out."_

"_That's not being a jerk. That's just you being a pansy ass." She got into the guys face; he was not much taller than her._

"_I really doubt you know his as well as you think you do." He challenged her._

_And she stared him down, her eyes squinted and arms crossed._

_Another guy approached them, this one much taller with more muscle. "Is there a problem here?" He asked Blair and the small guy shook his head. Very frightened of the new stranger, who could be twice his size. He slowly backed away then darted, not wanting to have any sort of physical encounter._

"_Was that guy being a total jackass?" He smiled a brilliant white, heartfelt smile._

_She was stunned by it for a moment, and then stuttered on, "Uh, uh yeah he was just calling my boyfriend a jerk. And he doesn't know him." she crossed her arms and pouted a bit._

"_I guess he doesn't have a right to call him anything if he doesn't know him."_

"_Nobody knows him. They just think they do." She spoke to him, but did not face him. He was rather tall, and he made her feel very small. Chuck made her feel dainty, but not like a midget._

"_Well, I'm sure you know him." He said, nicely. This guy was too nice. He was creepy nice compared to Chuck. Chuck could be sweet, but he would never be nice to random people._

"_Yes, of course I do!" She replied a little too harshly. Realizing that what the first guy said had gotten to her in a small way._

"_Whoa, whoa. Okay, calm down, girl."_

"_Girl?! Who are you anyways?" She was now getting pissed off at him._

"_The names Matt." He held out his hand._

"_I'm B-" she took his hand._

"_Blair…Waldorf. Yes, I know. I also know who your boyfriend is too. And your best friend. And your ex-boyfriend. It's kind of hard to miss anything that's going on with you. Apparently you're very interesting to people." _

_Chuck finally left the classroom and walked outside; he was reaching the gates and saw Blair shaking hands with some strange tall dude._

"_It's just cause they're jealous." She giggled, still holding his hand._

"_I can see why." He looked her up and down. Taking in her whole body. His eyes lingered on her boobs and then stared deeply into her eyes again._

_Chuck was anything, but happy about this. He quickened his pace and got to them. "Hello, can I help you with something?" He sneered at the guy, who was much taller, but he was in no way scared. _

"_I was just talking to Blair." he turned around to look at Chuck._

"_You were doing more than talking to my girlfriend, now beat it. Take a hike. Whatever." He shooed him away._

"_Is there a problem?" The guy was acting like he couldn't understand why Chuck was a little mad about this._

"_There will be if you don't leave."_

"_Fine." He admitted defeat, "Bye, Blair. Nice to meet you." He smiled his dazzling smile and she couldn't help but smile a little back. Then he left, walking down the empty street. No one was left at school except Chuck and Blair now._

"_Next time could you please just wait in the limo?" He motioned to it, parked next to the curb._

"_That was so unnecessary! No need to be rude like that. He was nice."_

"_He was checking you out! Plus he was practically caressing your hand. And you were flirting!"_

"_No I wasn't! He was just introducing himself!" She couldn't believe Chuck's behavior. "Just because you're insecure doesn't mean you need to be so protective of what you think is your property." By property she meant her._

_She realized she never should've said that. It was too harsh and insensitive to say to him right now. Why didn't she just bite her tongue? She mentally hit herself._

"_Fine." He walked towards the limo, backwards so he was still seeing her. Ticked off by her comment. "You can walk home, Bitch."_

"_Are you kidding me?" She asked in disbelief._

"_Does it look like it?" He opened the door, stepped in, and closed it behind him._

_The limo took off not turning back._

_Now she was completely pissed off. She crossed her arms and waited for the limo to turn back and come get her. But she watched it drive away, out of sight._

_Her heals clicked against the concrete as she began her walk home. _

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

_Everyone sat around the table eating dinner, forks clinking against plates, glasses lifted to lips. Many unimportant conversations were had. _

"_So how did you guys do on your final exams today?" Eric asked, caring like he usually did._

_Serena answered, "Pretty good I think. I feel confident about it."_

"_Cool. And you, Chuck?"_

_He had been avoiding eye contact until now when he looked at Eric then Serena and Lily. His eyes went back to his late in shame, "I failed it." They were all silent; they were at a loss of words. "The one fucking test I didn't pay someone else to take for me and I failed it!" He threw his fork down on the plate, scooted his chair back, and left the table. He slammed the door of his room and the rest of them felt like the whole place shook._

"_I'll talk to the headmistress about that." Lily said, then she began eating again._

_The next day was final exams again. Chuck and Blair didn't speak; they didn't even see each other. They were still both mad at one another. _

_Blair tried not to think of Chuck at all while she was taking her test, but she couldn't help but say to herself, 'How the hell could he be such an asshole?' It was distracting her the whole time. _

_She was replaying it in her head, 'You can walk home, Bitch.'_

_But she did bring it one herself. She was a bitch for telling him he was insecure. She deserved it._

_But then she would remind herself that he made her walk home! 'How could he do that if he was a decent human being?' _

_It was a cycle that she went trough the whole day. Chuck did pretty much the same thing._

_The day passed quickly and before he knew it, it was the day of graduation. _

_Chuck sat on his bed, wearing his graduation gown, holding Blair's pin. _

"_What the hell is that on your sweater?" Chuck asked Nate in disgusted tone. They were only 12 and were just beginning to go through puberty so their voices were just now changing. _

"_It's a pin. Blair sewed it on there." They sat down at their usual lunch table and waited for the girls to arrive._

"_Is it in the shape of a heart?"_

"_Yes."_

"_Gay." He said just as Serena and Blair approached behind him._

"_What's gay?" Serena asked curiously and sat next to Chuck while Blair sat next to Nate._

"_The pin on Nate's sweater." _

_Blair glared at him then threw her apple at his head. He dodged it barely. "Jesus, Blair! Chill!" He yelled._

"_You're just jealous." She said, then hung onto Nate's arm, being clinging like she was most of the time."_

"_You think everyone is jealous of you."_

_Nate and Serena rolled their eyes. "Do you guys ever stop?! Seriously! You guys sound like the couple, not me and her." Nate gestured to his girlfriend. _

_Blair scoffed in disgust, Chuck was also pissed by the comment. "Screw you, man. Maybe you should act like her boyfriend more often and stop flirting with Serena." He said and walked away from the table._

_She looked at Nate then Serena, then stood up furiously and followed Chuck. _

_They walked around their elementary school awhile silently. Until Blair said, "Thanks."_

"_For what?" He asked her very confused._

"_You finally snapped me out of it. I've been thinking that the way…Nate and Serena act around each other was just me, just my imagination."_

"_No. It isn't. I'm sorry." He told her sincerely. Truly feeling bad that Nate neglected to treat her well._

"_It's not your fault."_

"_I know."_

"_You know…" She thought about it, and then continued, "I'm starting to think you might make a better boyfriend than Nate. Maybe I should just take that pin back and give it to you."_

"_Oh my god. Please don't say something that horrifying ever again."_

_She giggled, "Sorry."_

"_Plus I would never wear it in a million years. It's like the tag on a dog caller. You might as well put Owner: Blair Waldorf. Do not touch. Or I will kick your ass."_

"_It's not like that." She hit his arm, "I told him he'll always have my heart on his sleeve. I'm not saying he belongs to me, I'm saying I belong to him."_

"_Total Bullshit."_

_Then she pushed him into a wall._

He lifted up the sleeve of his gown and pinned it on the inside. He was going to apologize to her. Their fight was ridiculous. He didn't have the right to treat her like that just for talking to another guy. He wanted to be the best damn boyfriend she ever had. 

He left his room and him and Serena headed to school. To graduate. To start the rest of their lives.

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Chuck found his seat, which were in alphabetical order. He stood at the beginning of the row of chairs that his was down. Realizing that Archibald was the last A and Bass was the first B and he would have to sit next to his best friend turned enemy number one. 

There was no use in avoiding it so he walked to his chair and sat. 

"Hey." Nate said casually.

"What's up?" He said in a sarcastic voice.

"Nothing much. How are you and Blair?"

Nate was the most clueless person he knew, "Shut up." Chuck told him.

"I don't know what else I can do. I've apologized countless times. I don't talk to Blair. I leave you guys alone. I do nothing to ruin your life. What else can I do?"

"…Nothing."

"There was a time when I was your best friend. Actually, it wasn't that long ago so I don't know how it could seemingly be erased from your memory."

"It wasn't erased from my memory; I just choose to not think about it."

"Please, Chuck."

"Why do you want me to forgive you so bad? It's not like your life is over without me, you never really cared if I was your friend before, so why now?"

"Of course I cared if you were my friend."

"Then why did you steal her? You were my best friend. Why? It just doesn't make sense. You knew I was in love with her. You knew how much I cared about her. How much I wanted her. Even if I didn't tell you, you knew. I know you did." He had never showed his heart that much to Nate. And probably never would again.

That was the only true reason he was still mad. The one thing he didn't get. The one thing that stopping him from forgiving everything.

"I was confused. I thought I loved her too. And thought you would understand. Since you guys weren't together I told myself it wasn't a bad thing to do, if I wanted to be with her. I was stupid, and I'm sorry." It was heartfelt and true. He wanted his best friend back.

They sat in silence for a few minutes. People were starting to fill up the seats around them and the crowd watching the soon-to-be-graduates was also growing larger. Chuck knew two people in the crowd who would be clapping when he was awarded his certificate would be Eric and Lily.

"I can't believe we're about to graduate." Nate said then laughed, "I remember when we went to our first day of kindergarten together."

"Yeah and the teacher despised me."

"She said you were 'weird'."

"Just cause I was a five-year-old boy and was more fashionable then she was."

"Jealousy."

Chuck smiled; it had been a long time since he'd smiled at Nate. It was practically a silent 'I forgive you.'

Nate held his hand out, blindly hoping Chuck would accept. He did. They shook hands. Forgiving each other. 

All the seats were filled now and it was time to start the graduation ceremony. The headmistress put on a speech about how proud she was of this graduation class and how she 'truly' felt they were the future. The valedictorians from both Constance and St. Jude's stood up to the podium. 

"Humphrey." Chuck said under his breath and rolled his eyes. He was surprised he hadn't heard Dan was their school's valedictorian. 

Nate shoved him with his elbow in a playful manner, telling him to be quiet. 

The female valedictorian, to Blair's dismay, was Nelly Yuki. How could she not have known this?

The speech began; Dan was very charismatic, whereas Nelly kept stumbling over words.

"We have reached the end of the road, but are faced with new ones. New paths. And we must choose which to travel. I would like to read a poem from Robert Frost, the path not taken…" Dan shuffled papers and picked the one to read.

Chuck rolled his eyes again; even he had heard this poem about a million times. He wanted the speech to be over so they could carry on with this dreadful mess.

"Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, and sorry I could not travel both. And be one traveler, long I stood, and looked down one as far as I could, to where it bent in the undergrowth. 

Then took the other, as just as fair, and having perhaps the better claim, because it was grassy and wanted wear; though as for that the passing there had worn them really about the same.

And both that morning equally lay, in leaves no step had trodden black. Oh, I kept the first for another day! Yet knowing how way leads on to way, I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh, somewhere ages and ages hence: Two roads diverged in a wood, and I- took the one less traveled by, And that has made all the difference."

Dan finished with the poem, but continued with his speech, "We will be faced with many roads ahead. And we must choose the right one for us. Not the ones everyone else may have taken. For it may change our lives. Be true to yourself, this is our life now. Be you."

Everyone clapped and cheered while Dan and Nelly got off the stage and sat in their seats. 

Chuck was surprised by the lack of originality Dan had in his speech. He could've written a more interesting one, in his opinion. 

After a few more words from the headmistress she started announcing names. Chuck realized he didn't more than 3/4s of the people in his class. But then again he really didn't give a shit about any one of them, so he didn't feel bad for not knowing their names.

Chuck and Nate's row had to walk to the end of the stage; it would soon be their turn. 

"Nathanial Archibald." Everyone clapped as he stepped up and accepted his certificate. Then he walked from the stage. Leaving Chuck to be the next one called.

"Charles Bass." There was clapping as he approached Headmistress Queller. She gave him a stern look, the only reason he was graduating because Lily had made some sort of deal with her. He wasn't sure what, he just knew he shouldn't be graduating but he was. She handed him his paper and turned the tassel to the other side of his graduation cap. 

He walked off the stage…no longer a teenage boy in high school. He was expecting to feel more like a man, or like some weight had been lifted off his shoulders. But he felt the same. The weight still seemed to be there and he still felt like that same high school Chuck Bass.

He returned to his seat next to Nate, who looked relieved that he had made it through what were supposed to be the best years of his life. They probably were going to be Nate's best years. He was the golden boy who everyone loved.

Chuck would not regret leaving high school behind. He wanted to move on, become the head of his fathers company, grow up, and have a real relationship with Blair. He thought his life might actually start falling into place after school was all over.

More and more names were read…"Daniel Humphrey." "Serena Van der Woodsen." "Blair Waldorf." They all accepted their certificates and had their tassels switched to the other side.

It was crazy thinking they had made it this far together. Started out in preschool and here they were. Graduating high school. Chuck was hardly the one to think about the 'good ole days', but there were some things he would miss…his friends would be the only good memories of growing up.

All the names had been called, but the headmistress had to make yet another speech.

"Why do they make us where black robes when it's so fucking hot?" Chuck grumbled and rolled up his sleeves a bit.

Nate caught sight of Blair's pin that was on his gown. "Congratulations." He said and nodded towards the pin.

Chuck thought his voice sounded fake with a hint of jealousy, but he ignored it. "Yeah…it was my birthday present."

"Nice…you know what this means, right? You are the property of Blair Waldorf now."

"No…it means she belongs to me…" He corrected him.

Nate didn't answer; it seemed like an awkward situation. He knew Chuck was inadvertently telling him he had his chance with her, but he screwed it up the first time and didn't deserve a second one.

Once the ceremony was over, the graduates parted and went to find their loved ones who were there to celebrate this moment with them.

"I'll talk to you later, okay, man?" Nate waved as he was backing away from him.

"Yeah, sure." He weakly smiled back. 

As Chuck walked to find his 'family', consisting of Eric and Lily and also Lily's mother, he saw kids from his school getting hugs from their mother while she was wiping tears from her eyes then the person would hug their father, who looked so proud. 

This image made him jealous; he never experienced anything like that. His mother was never there, although that wasn't her fault, and his father never cared enough. 

He knew loving parents' open arms weren't waiting for him somewhere in that crowd of people. 

He eyed Nate and his mom, his dad was still in jail. Chuck was remorseful of him, but at least his dad loved him. After all, he did go to return his family's life back to normal. He did it for his son.

Chuck's father would've never done that. If he had done something illegal, and was on the run from the FBI, he would simply leave him to fend for himself. At least that's what Chuck thought.

He spotted Serena being congratulated by Eric and Cece, Lily was patting her arm but looking around in the sea of people. He figured she was trying to find him, but he didn't feel like putting on a fake smile right now. So he tried to slip away, back into the crowd. 

His back hit someone, and he heard "Oomph!" And the person grabbed at his gown, trying not to fall over. He swiftly turned around to help them, and before he knew it he was holding Blair. His hands on her back, holding her right above the ground. "Blair? I'm sorry; I wasn't looking where I was going."

"Yeah, I noticed." She held onto his shoulders, firmly. 

He pulled her up, and now they were close to each other. Only inches away from their faces touching.

"So, I-" He wanted to say something to her, like 'Sorry for being such an asshole.'

"Blair!" Eleanor called over to her; she was about ten feet away and would not be bothered to try to get through the large cluster of people. Blair waved at her and Cyrus, acknowledging that she saw them. She held up her index finger, meaning 'one more minute'. 

"Blair, I want to talk to you."

"I know." She kissed him on the cheek, "We can talk later though, it's so busy in here. We should have some peace and quiet. You can pick me up to go to Serena's party."

"Okay." He just said. And she walked towards her family.

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Chuck and the Van der Woodsen family celebrated by going out to lunch after graduation. He was unpleased that he had been unsuccessful in escaping Lily. She was so eager for him to come out with them. But he didn't feel like he belonged there, Cece was so wrapped up in her biological grandparents to even acknowledge he was there. 

Serena was very giddy about be a high school graduate, she couldn't stop smiling. Eric was just happy from seeing his sister's inability to frown. 

Chuck was about the opposite, he only smiled when he felt like he had to. 

After all of that was over Chuck went with Lily while Serena and Eric went to Victrola since he had given her the okay to use it for her party. 

He tore off the gown and threw the cap on his dresser. He was sick of putting on some façade of a happy graduate. He felt empty. Not happy or pleased. The only reason he had graduated was because Lily had tempted Ms. Queller with a huge pile of money, most likely. 

He lay on his bed and looked at his ceiling. The plain white of it gave him a headache. He closed his eyes, thinking of anything to get his mind off of what a big failure he was. Without even knowing he was tired he drifted into a sleeping state.

Dreams began. 

He was surrounded by people, some he knew and some he did not. All were asking him questions. Everyone talking at once, he tried to focus on certain people to make out what they were saying.

"Chuck, why'd you sleep with Blair?! She was my girlfriend!" Nate shouted at him, angrily.

"What about the Kiss on the Lips party, Chuck? How could you do something like that?" Jenny questioned, confused and scared.

"Even your own father hated you." Serena told him, grudgingly.

"He blamed you for killing your mother…maybe you did." Dan added.

People he hadn't even seen before were screaming at him.

"You're just like him aren't you? You have to know everything. Control everyone." Lily appeared hurt.

He spun around, staring at all of them, so confused. Blair approached him slowly, carefully. Chuck stood still and watched her as she put her hands on his cheeks. She touched them softly. She looked as if she were about to cry, her eyes searching every bit of his. And she asked, "Who are you?"

He woke up with a jolt, like he had just been dropped from the ceiling to his bed. 

Fucking nightmares, he cursed in his head. He turned over to see what time it was. 8:23.

He'd been sleeping for nearly 4 hours. He rolled out of bed and put on a nicer, less wrinkled outfit. He still planned to talk to Blair, and if he wanted anytime to do that before the party he should leave now.

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Blair prepared for the party by putting on her make-up and curling her hair. Her dress was simple, showed some cleavage. Chuck would like it; she thought when she had picked it out with a smile.

While she was in the middle of putting on blush, Dorota called up to her, "Someone here to see you Miss Blair!"

Shit! Chuck was early! "Okay!" She yelled back and hurried with her make-up.

When there was a small knock at her door, she answered, and with a sultry voice said, "Hi, Baby. You're early." After she opened the door fully and realized who it was, she said, "Nate?" Confused and not looking happy to see him. "What are you doing here?"

"I wanted to talk." He entered her room without being invited.

"About what? I thought everything was said and done. I'm with Chuck now." She didn't bother shutting the door, he wasn't staying long. She would make sure of that.

"That's it? We can't even be friends?"

"I don't know if Chuck would like that very much." Blair really didn't Chuck wanted her hanging out with Nate. He was very much the jealous type. His reaction to simple chat with another guy, just a few days prior, was an example. 

"Does he get to decide who you hang out with?"

"You didn't want me visiting him in the hospital when we were together. That's a lot worse."

"Whatever. And anyways we made up. We're friends again."

"I don't know, Nate."

"You don't believe me?"

"Just after everything, I don't know if we could all be friends again." She explained, "You guys can hang out, and I can be with him, but all three of us…it just doesn't sound that simple."

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Chuck rode the elevator up to Blair's apartment, ready for a talk and ready to apologize. He even brought flowers. Peonies, one of her favorites.

Were flowers too much? He questioned himself, becoming nervous. Are they not enough? Would jewelry have been better?

The elevator stopped and the doors opened. He entered, flowers in hand.

Dorota came rushing to see who it was, "Oh." She seemed surprised then became nervous, "Hello, Mr. Chuck."

"Hello, Dorota. Is Blair in her room?" He approached the stairs, but she intercepted his pathway.

"Yes, but Miss Blair is speaking with someone right now."

"Who?" He asked, not knowing who would be talking to her right now. And had she said 'someone'? If it were Eleanor or Cyrus she could've just said so.

Dorota didn't answer, she stood there scared. Having no clue how to tell him she was talking to Nate. She was just a tad bit frightened of how Chuck might react.

But he didn't need her to tell him. He saw Nathaniel's jacket on a chair opposite the stairs. He walked over to it and picked it up, making sure it was his. And it was, without a doubt, Nate's jacket. It had his family crest on it; he had probably just some from a celebration dinner with his whole family.

He threw the jacket down, along with the flowers. Without thinking rationally, he stomped up the stairs.

"Mr. Chuck!" Dorota exclaimed and followed him.

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

"I'll have to talk to Chuck about it…" She wanted him to leave and was hoping to say anything to satisfy him for the time being.

"Blair, we can be friends again. Like old times." He got close to her and grabbed her arms.

She smelled alcohol on his breath. It was a natural smell for Chuck, and she even liked the smell of it on his breath. But Nate's breath never smelled like that, and it sickened her. "Have you been drinking?"

"Only a little." He grinned.

"Well you have a low tolerance." She struggled in his grasp.

Chuck was approaching her room quickly and he heard voices coming from inside, but was unable to make out what they were saying.

When he had a clear look of Blair's room and saw Nate, holding her arms, he quickened his pace to a speed walk. Dorota tried to keep up.

"What the hell are you doing?!" He screamed at him. His face was already beat red from anger.

Blair and Nate were startled by him.

"Chuck!" Blair said, in a too cheerful voice. She saw how mad he looked, and how quickly he was coming towards Nate.

"Chuck, I-" Nate started to say.

"Let go of her!" He yelled again and pushed him off.

"Lay off, man! I was talking to her!"

"And you had to have your hands on her? Don't touch her." Chuck said, sternly.

"If we were confident about her loving you, you wouldn't have to worry about me touching her." Nate replied in a smug voice.

Chuck lunged for him, "Chuck! No! He's just drunk!" Blair tried to explain his behavior but it was too late.

He laid a punch right to the jaw line. "Right when I forgave you, you go for her again?"

Nate didn't hesitate in fighting back. He thought a hit to Chuck's eye and gut would take care of the problem, but it just started a full on brawl.

"Stop it!" Blair yelled at them.

Nate's nose was now bleeding and blood was spilling from a laceration Chuck had gotten on his lip.

Chuck felt like he was out of control, Nate felt the same way. He had no clue how he could be doing this to his best friend.

Another punch to the gut. Chuck crumpled over, on his knees, holding his hand to his stomach.

"Chuck!" Blair rushed over to him to see if he was alright. She crouched down to him, so she could try to see his face, "Are you alright?" He groaned a little bit. "Chuck?"

"She doesn't love you," Nate told him plainly, then he bent down and whispered in his ear, "She just feels sorry for you."

Chuck let out what sounded like a growl and got up from his knees. He wrapped his hands around Nate's neck, squeezing as tight as he could. 

"Shut the fuck up." Chuck said in Nate's ear. "You don't know what you're talking about. She loves me. Not you. She always loved me." He was choking Nate, but he didn't let up. Something else had taken over his mind completely, the old Chuck Bass. The one who tried to force Jenny and Serena into having sex with him. The one who sent a tip to Gossip Girl, telling that Blair had slept with another guy. Lying and manipulating, just to watch people squirm. The Chuck Bass that would do anything to get what he wanted. And at that moment he wanted Nate dead.

"Chuck! Stop!" Blair screamed, she was frightened and tried to pull on his arms.

But he had no more control over his actions. He didn't stop.

Nate was gasping for air as Dorota helped Blair pull Chuck away from him. Blair held onto him tightly, keeping him from attacking again.

Chuck was out of breath as well, he had been holding it, not to his knowledge.

Nate stood there for a long moment, holding his throat and taking in oxygen.

"What the hell are you doing?! Go!" Blair yelled, what kind of idiot was he for still hanging around?

He ran from the room and Dorota followed slowly. She knew Blair would want some privacy.

When Chuck and Blair were alone there was silence between them until Blair burst into tears. He tried to comfort her by wrapping his arms around her, "its okay." he told her. But she hit him off of her, and kept smacking him.

"What is wrong with you?!" She screamed so loud it could most likely be heard on the streets. "Why would you do that?!"

"He was touching you! What was I supposed to do?" He didn't understand what she meant by 'why would you do that?'. 

"What kind of person tries to strangle their best friend?!"

He hadn't even thought of how she would feel about that. It had probably scared her to death. "Blair, I-" He reached out for her, but she backed away from him. "I don't know what came over me. Blair, please…" He reached for her again, but no reciprocation.

There was a pause between them. "Get out." She told him without eye contact.

"What?" He asked, disbelieving what she'd said.

"Get out! I never want to see you again!" Her words stung him, like a hot iron was placed on his hand, or someone had just drove a pitch fork into his stomach. Or maybe that was just his half broken ribs he had acquired from Nate.

"Blair! Are you really taking his side!?"

"I'm not taking his side! I just can't be with someone like you." Strangling someone? She could never look at him the same way.

"Someone like me? Blair you love me."

He could see the hurt in her eyes. She was horrified by what he had tried to do. She was scared of him. And it pained him to see that.

She didn't answer him; she wouldn't even look at him.

"Blair, I'm sorry. You know me. I wouldn't hurt you."

"But you just did, Chuck." The tears fell down her face slowly, like a small trickle of a stream. Small, but constant. "Get out." Her voice was quiet and hesitant, but she meant it.

"Blair-" he tried to get to her once more.

"No! Chuck, it's over! I can't be with you! You're a jealous son of a bitch! It would only end badly."

He starred at her for what seemed like minutes, but was only seconds. No words were in his mouth, he couldn't say anything. His heart had just broken. He thought it was fixed completely and everything would be okay now. But it was shattered, yet again.

"I will _never_ be with you." She said, with a venomous tongue.

There was no way to explain how Chuck felt. No way to describe the pain he felt. 

This pain was all too familiar.

He gulped, and closed his wide open mouth. He thought he could feel tears welling up, but he wasn't sure because she didn't seem to be phased by it at all.

Blair held her head high to show she wasn't weak. She wasn't going to cave to his Chuck Bass ways.

He opened his mouth to say something, but nothing was there. He turned away from her slowly and towards the door. Then he went as fast as he could. Out of her room, down the stairs, to the elevator, outside, and to his limo.

Blair sat down on her bed and let her tears fall until there was no more left.

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Chuck arrived at Serena's party, already have drunken a bottle of scotch in the limo. He climbed from the limo ready to forget what had happened at Blair's. he wanted it to be in the way corner of his mind where all the dust and cobwebs were. Never to be thought of again. 

But this would never happen. So many times he would try to forget about Blair, but the only time when he wasn't thinking of her is when he had drank so much that he blacked out.

Victrola was already filled with people. Everyone was there. 

He found his way inside and to his couch with the best view. He shooed the teens that were already there. Then set himself down and called one of the bartenders over. The bartenders were used to listening to his every beck and call.

"Yes, Mr. Bass?"

"I want every bottle of scotch you have and…the other stuff." He said in a hushed, mysterious voice. He was not accomplishing being secretive. 

"Right away, Sir." The bartender hurried off to get him what he asked for.

Sir. Chuck hung on the word. Why did so many people, who were even older than him, call him that? He was in no way his father. He didn't have that kind of authority. Maybe it was because he intimidated people. He could see why. He was a sick son of a bitch, just like Blair had said.

Serena found him, she was much happier than he was. She seemed to be having a fabulous time. "Hey Chuck, where's Blair? I thought you were picking her up."

"She decided she didn't want to come." He said with a straight face, but she could see right through it.

"What happened?"

"It's none of your damn business."

"Fine. But Blair will just tell me tomorrow."

"No she won't."

"Yes she will. I'm her best friend. She's gonna tell me."

"No she won't." He said again, and gave her a glare. He knew she wouldn't talk about it. She wouldn't want tell people about her boyfriend trying to strangle his best friend. He wasn't even sure Nathaniel would say something.

"Whatever, Chuck." She rolled her eyes, then smiled at some people walking by her.

"Some party." He half-complemented her while he stared off.

The bartender arrived with all the scotch he could carry and set them on the table in front of him. "Here you go, Mr. Bass." He leaned over, towards him and slipped something into Chuck's hand.

"Thank you." He dismissed him. He grasped the pills in his hand and hid them from Serena.

"Oh my god. Ridiculous."

"What, Sis?"

"You're pathetic. One fight with Blair and you plan to get wasted out of your mind? Nice drug trade, too." She said with disgust in her voice. "It's time to grow up, Chuck. Face the world like a man. Not everything's going to be how you want it to be. You can't just forget about her."

"Fuck off. Stop acting like you know me. You think cause you've been my friend since grade school that you know who I am? I bet you can't even tell me my middle name…wanna take a crack at it?" He poured himself some scotch into the empty glass.

She was silent, she had no clue. He grinned, devilishly. "See? You never bothered to know me. I was just that other guy you were friends with because Nate and Blair liked me. You never gave a shit about me."

"You're like my brother, Chuck. I care."

"Since when? Since you saw your best friend was in love with me? Since Lily adopted me? I haven't noticed you caring at all, so please, tell me." He twirled the scotch in his hand and took a big gulp.

"What happened with Blair?" She couldn't see where this behavior was coming from, so she figured it had to have something to do with her best friend. There were very few people that could get Chuck so riled up as to order the bar's whole collection of scotch.

He didn't answer, completely ignored her. He instead just nursed his scotch in hand.

"Fine, but don't say I never cared." She left him alone, if she wasn't going to find out from him what had happened, she would call Blair.

Chuck took another swig of the alcohol then popped one of the small white pills in his mouth and swallowed. He leaned against the couch and waited for it to take affect. He grew impatient and took another. He had plenty more, so he wasn't worried about running out. 

He watched the slutty girls swing their hips around on stage. Of course that only reminded him of one thing. Blair. They way she had danced for him was not even in the same league as these girls. Memories of the night he had fallen for her flooded his mind.

Tired of the sick and disgusting memories, he took another pill and opened another bottle of scotch. Then pulled a pack of cigarettes from his pocket and lit one in his mouth. He exhaled and watched a large puff of smoke drift away.

He didn't even notice when two girls came and sat on either side of him. He was becoming too numb to notice anything going on around him. One girl stroked his cheek with one finger. He jerked his head in her direction, "Would u mind getting off me?"

"My friend and I just noticed you looked a little lonely without the Ice Queen by your side." She strolled her finger down his neck, her perfectly manicured fingernail scraping at his skin.

"Well how 'bout you get on that stage. Have fun, dance the night away." He told her in a sarcastic tone of voice. "Or if you're looking for someone to comfort why don't you find Nate Archibald. I'm sure he's lonely as hell." He grabbed her hand and threw it off his shoulder, "I don't care what you do, just make sure you stay the hell away from me." 

The disappointed girls stood from the couch and walked off, swinging their hips. Conceited whores. He shook his head to knock some sense in. Any other night he would've had sex with those girls. Both of them, at the same time. But Blair was there once again, eating away at him. He felt nothing for any other girl. If Blair would've touched his neck like that, he would've gotten shivers down his spine.

He lit another cigarette. This party was utterly stupid. What was he doing here anyways? He sat awhile longer though, thinking of past times. Why weren't those fucking drugs working?! He should've been so out of his mind by now he shouldn't even remember the name Blair or the face that went with it.

The face that was imbedded in his brain. Her deep brown eyes, and wavy hair. Her sweet lips that curved upwards at the end. 

He took another pill, these things were obviously defective or something. He stood up and nearly fell over. He laughed at himself and got steady. Grabbed two bottles of scotch from the table in front of him and began walking. Walking through the crowd of people was difficult, but he eventually got outside. 

The air was sticky, which didn't help since he was already beginning to sweat from how hot it was inside.

The sleek leather inside the limo was comfortable. He laid on it and smirked to himself. Thinking of a time, when a certain brunette with milky white thighs had accompanied him to the limo when leaving Victrola.

He would always have a piece of Blair. Inside that limo was memory she would never forget. He may be able to one day forget her, move on, never think of her again, or so he hoped. But every time she thought about her first time, the night she lost her virginity, she would think of him. And he would always have that. Whether that night had ruined the rest of their lives or not, it didn't matter. Because no matter how hard she would try to erase every fiber of his being from her mind. He would be there forever. 

It brought some piece to him, Nate could never take that from him. Her virginity was his. And his only. Nate may have been a first for everything else. First kiss, first boyfriend, first love. But Chuck knew which first was the most memorable. He had made sure it was memorable. He wanted it to be the best sex she would ever have. 

The limo screeched to a halt in front of the Palace. And he was knocked out of his trance of that night in the limo. He stumbled from the limo, not bothering to wait for the slow driver to open his door.

He tripped over the curb and landed on the side walk. He made sure the two lovely bottle of scotches had gotten out unscathed, then tried to make his way to the door. A few people around the hotel had stopped to watch him trip over his own feet as he walked into the hotel. It was amusing to everyone else. 

The people in the lobby and at the front desk watched as he fumbled his way to elevator, finally reaching a point where he could stand still. It took him up to the suite. It was dark and empty. Why was it everywhere he went he was alone?

"Maybe I should get a dog." The words slurred from his mouth and he laughed like it was the funniest thing ever. "Please, a dog wouldn't even like me." He chuckled again. Finding his twisted humor hilarious.

He set the bottles down on the kitchen counter. Loosening his tie and tossing his shoes off somewhere to be found later. He also flung his jacket away, letting it land on the floor. He rolled up his sleeves and poured the scotch into a sparkly clean glass.

"I think you are the one who knows me the best, Scotch. We've had many times together." His laughing didn't stop him from gulping down the scotch. 

He grabbed the bottle and slid to the floor. Not wasting time with glasses any longer, he drank straight from the bottle. The liquid burned down his throat. He remembered the first time he had ever tasted the drink…

"_What are you drinking, Nathaniel?"_

"_Beer." Nate guzzled it down and belched. Good thing Blair wasn't there or she would've slapped him for that one._

"_Beer is just for people who cant take a real drink."_

"_Oh really? And what are you going to drink? Champagne?" _

_That was what he was going to drink, being at the rip age of eleven that was the only thing he had ever drank. But it would be too embarrassing now. He looked through Nate's father's collection of alcohol. Found one that looked good enough and picked it up. It looked like something his father drank often. "No. I'm drinking this."_

"_And what's that?"_

"_It's err…umm…scotch." He read the label on it. He poured a large portion of it into a glass and took a drink. It touched his tongue and burned all the way down his throat. Feeling it in his stomach like he had just drank Windex. He gagged and coughed. "Oh my god." He held his throat. "I think I'm dying Nate. I think someone is trying to poison your father, but they got me instead!" He choked and moved his way over to the couch and sprawled out next to Nate._

"_You're an idiot." Nate said, and kept drinking his beer._

"_Am not…I really like it." He lied, "It's great, way better than beer." He slowly took another drink, afraid of the burning but he wanted to show Nate he was more experienced than him._

"_Whatever." He laughed at him._

He would end up showing Nate, since only three short months after that he would have sex for the first time. Before Nate…before any other person he knew. Maybe it wasn't something he shouldn't be proud of. Everyone else thought he was pig. But who cared what other people think, right? Well actually he did care.

He sat for a long time. Thinking of Blair. Sipping his scotch.

"I will _never_ be with you." Her words rang in his head over and over.

Why did this darkness follow him wherever he went? He could never escape it. Could never be happy. Because misery seemed to be his middle name. He was destined for it. He had practically already let it take over his whole life. 

He removed Blair's pin from his pants pocket. Holding it lightly in his hand. "What was the point?" He asked himself. There was no point in her having given him that pin now.

He loathed how she could get his hopes all high and expecting good things to come of their relationship. When in reality they were doomed. He should've known that. 

It was like fighting fire with fire. They were too similar, their personalities didn't balance each other out. There was just too much evil for one couple to withstand.

His life was so screwed up. What was the point?

What was the point?…He found himself in a position he already been in before.

But this time he tried to rationalize with himself. His life wasn't too bad right? It would get better…right? 

But he came to the conclusion…no. It would not get better. He hadn't sunken so low, he couldn't recover this time.

He took another swig of his almost empty bottle.

There was only one way out of this nightmare.

He dropped the bottle beside him then rummaged through the drawers. He found what he was looking for…a knife. Large, and pointed. It would get the job done.

He sat down again. Thinking. What would people think of him? Call him pathetic, most likely. But no one understood what it was like to be him. What it was like to be haunted by your own mind so much it drove you crazy. There was no escape from it…except that knife. It was the one and only solution.

He held it tightly in his hand. So tight his knuckles were turning white and the veins in his hands were very defined.

Then before he could change his mind, possibly save himself from all this, he dug the blade into his skin. He expected there to be pain, but he didn't feel anything. He felt numb. He couldn't feel anything.

He cut the other wrist.

What a worthless piece of shit he was, thinking as the blood dripped from the wounds. Doing this again? Could he not take anything like a man? Really? No wonder Blair didn't want to be with him. But it soon wouldn't matter because he would be gone.

Even in these moments all he could think of was Blair. Her magnificent beauty, her tender touch, the way she made him feel like he had a reason to live.

His vision began to blur and he laid against the cold tile. He felt light headed and dizzy. Everything seemed to be spinning.

"_Hi!" The small blonde girl chirped._

"_Hi." He muttered back._

"_Can me and my friend play with you guys?"_

"_Sure…" His best friend answered for him, knowing that he didn't like to share and wanted to be nice to the girls._

_They plopped down next to them._

_Chuck gulped as the tiny brunette sat very close._

"_Hi, I'm Blair. What's your name?" She smiled a cute four-year-old smile._

"_I'm Chuck Bass." He said with really no facial expression._

"_You're cute." She said perkily, and gave him a quick peck on the cheek._

He could feel the wet blood around his hands, small pools were already forming.

His vision was so blurred, nothing seemed real anymore. His heart slowed…

His breathing slowed…

And then all there was, was darkness.

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I finally finished it! I know, I know. Horrible ending. Don't criticize too harshly. I did work really hard. And there's going to be a sequel so obviously it's not the end of the whole story! But please, please! Do review! It's the last chapter, and I would love to hear what you have to say! Just please, edit some of your angry comments towards me. But I'm still practically begging you to write a review! 

The first chapter of the sequel should be posted very soon! By the time you're reading this it may already be posted. You can go on my profile and click on it, or you can search for it or whatever. But if it's not posted yet, keep an eye out for it. It's called What's Left.

Here's a little preview…

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Lily's hand shook as she reached out for his body. Covered in blood, he laid there. Still as a rock. 

She took a gasp of air in, as she had been holding her breath as soon as she saw him. 

Her knees were touching the blood pool around his lifeless body.

She felt sick to her stomach, and was having trouble taking normal breathes. They were short, wheezing breaths of air.

"Ma'am? Ma'am are you still there?" She heard from the phone that she had dropped on the floor as soon she had called 911 and told them about him and to come right away.

She didn't answer and she got up the courage to touch his body. She finally laid her hand on his chest. Then moved up to his face. It was cold and pale. All the colors of his cheeks were long gone.

"Charles?" She choked out. She thought maybe he would still be able to hear her. She was too naïve.

His expressionless face was still and had the look of death.

She began to sob and reached out to hold him. She cradled him in her arms, and tears rolled down her face into his hair.

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"Please, please. Take a step back miss. You too ma'am." The paramedic struggled with Serena and Lily as the tried to stay close to him. They were wheeling him down the hall on a stretcher. The destination was the ER…or the operation room. They weren't entirely certain where they were taking him. "Please, you can't go any further!"

A few nurse held onto Serena and her mother to stop them from following him anymore.

Serena burst into tears, Lily hadn't stopped crying. "Where are they taking him?!" The younger blonde shrieked.

One nursed held Serena in her arms, shushing her. "They're going to do all the can do to help your friend."

"He's not my friend, he's my brother!" She screamed at the nurse which caused heads to turn. She shoved the burse away from her.

"Okay. I'm sorry. They're going to try their best to help your brother." she rubbed her arm, soothingly. "Will you and your mother follow me?"

"No, I want to wait here for him." Lily said.

"It might be awhile, you'll probably want to sit down."

"She said we'll wait here for him!" Serena snapped again.

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"No! No! Nooo!" Blair bawled and yelled at the top of her lungs. She held him in her arms. She hugged him tightly and intertwined her fingers in his hair.

Lily and Serena sat around Chuck on the hospital bed in sorrow. Eric was leaned against the wall, a look of anger plastered on his face.

Serena had a blank stare, as she drained out her best friend's painful shrills.

Somehow tears still found a way to fall from Lily's eyes, when you think she would be all out of them by now.

Eric was growing tired of Blair and her voice. He turned around and punched the wall. "My god, Blair! Shut the hell up!" he left the room in a quick, angry pace.

Her eyes were already red and puffy, her nose was running and her voice was cracked. "What happened?" She barely got out in a small voice.

Lily just sat there, still as a fucking statue. But Blair's question snapped Serena out of her trance. "You tell me." 

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Don't forget to review!!!


	22. Chapter 22

I saw that some people had still added this story to their story alerts, but I just wanted to tell you that I'm not writing this story anymore and the sequel has been posted! So you can check it out on my profile, so you don't have to search through all the other stories, if you're lazy like me. And please review it. Thanks.

-Carly

P.S. How awesome was the Gossip Girl finale?! ;)


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